Chelsisms

Ch-ch-ch-ch CHANGES

2011-08-16T23:20:00.001-05:00

It's not like anyone really cares all that much about whether or not I am blogging just like they wouldn't really care if I'm showering everyday, remembering to lock my front door when I leave, noticing dust fermenting on my tv and then cleaning it off, or other areas of adulthood that I've mastered over the past few years. So, since I've been kind of off the radar because I've been um, living my life, I decided that I'm going to dedicate some time to writing my thoughts and feelings without caring who reads it, who doesn't, and whether or not I am using proper English grammar and sentence structure in doing so (ignoring the fact that I have a BA in Journalism). With that said, 2011 has been beyond ridiculous. I consider this year to be one in which I've grown more in 8 months then I have ever before.

Flashback to December 2008 where the cornerstone event of my life occurred. At 23, I was living on my own, had a full time job, experienced the same growing pains every chick in her 20's does, and was finally feeling independent and confident after just moving back from London. Then, I lost my brother. You want to talk about being a confused and bewildered twentysomething? Well, that was amplified and then some. I'm not saying that the world owes me something or anyone should feel sorry for me. I've lived a pretty blessed and happy life. But, my perspective changed tenfold. What happened to my brother was and still is a tragedy, one that I will never get over, but one that I've now reached an acceptance for. It's taken a very long time to confidently say that. I don't think about him every second of every day, and I have to attribute that to taking each day slowly and not rushing through it over the past 2.5 years.

This sounds really corny, but when someone close to you dies so suddenly (or at all) dreams of that person become so valuable. Alex visits me in my dreams and I feel lucky that my non-stop, spastic, imaginative brain allows me to see his handsome face. Sometimes he's there in nightmares, just standing there protecting me (that's my conclusion). Sometimes he's there when the dream is a happy one, and I'm thankful I get to experience that with him - even though it's all "make believe."

I needed to change things about myself in order to feel like things would be better one day. So, I slowed down. Hard thing to do when you are naturally hyper and have Gary Laliberte as your father. It's in the bloodline. He's the most energetic person I have ever known.....ever. So, I cried when I needed to, laughed when something was funny, ate my feelings and gained 40 pounds and then lost it all when things started to get better. Better meaning healing. It wasn't until I moved out to LA that I started to feel full of life again. At this time in my life, I'm more confident and happy then I have ever been before, and the events in my life have shown that to me.

I think it's interesting how we change and don't realize we're changing until we don't know how to deal with things because we aren't doing the things we used to do. Case in point, I fell in love this year for the very first time in my whole life. I've had love-like scenarios before, where I think I loved the person but never fully fell because I was so scared. The reason I know that is because I was like a 16-year-old on a hormone-driven, emotion-entrenched airport of feelings. And I actually allowed myself to feel them and let this person in. It was kind of me testing myself to see if I could NOT run away for once. So I stuck around and learned how vulnerable and sensitive I am. I also learned how critical I am of myself. And, that's okay, because I am human. In the end it didn't work out, and it hurts, and I miss him. But I believe everything is an experience to grow and learn from. I learned that I shouldn't settle for anything less than I deserve. And I won't ever again. To feel like I was selling myself out for infrequent moments of bliss and mixed messages every other second was very draining, to say the least. It doesn't matter how good the sex is, or how much you jive with someone, the red flags are there and only you can read them. In the end, everyone is damaged and it all comes down to timing, intelligence and luck. But, to make my point, what I would have done before is ended the situation at the first inclination of emotion. To have my best friend, Jessica say to me, "I want to record this conversation because it's never happened," when I called her to tell her about this person said it all. I've been friends with her since I was 19, that's like 7 years. Whoa.

There's waaaaay more that's happened...but that was probably the biggest thing.

So, I will leave everyone with a quote my mother has been saying for years...

"If you always did what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."

Totally true and TOTALLY life-changing, if you're up for the "challenge to change," as I call it. Until next time....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLIE AND GIANNA ARZER!!! Your Auntie Chels LOVES YOU!!!!

Truth about new government...from the horse's mouth

2010-10-02T20:45:00.001-05:00

Many of my "millions" of blogging admirers out there in cyber space are aware that I am very opinionated (mostly, I dare say regarding things that don't really mean anything at all). But when it comes to politics I tend to let on slightly as to my position, but in the end find it no one's business which policies I agree or disagree with. I see so many people post their comments on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter...and more power to them. I guess I have always felt like my political beliefs were of a deeply personal relationship that I don't have to share with anyone. Like a secret love affair, without the irrisistable lust. But, when it came to people bashing our President (whom, yes, I did vote for - proud of it then and today) I couldn't help but get frustrated. Rome wasn't built in a day. I don't remember exactly who coined that statement, I think it was Julius Caesar, but nevertheless, what President Obama has done is monumental, drove from a fearless and restless fight to the finish, and has lessened the global hatred toward our country after eight years of conservative leadership. Sure, there are some things that I don't fully agree with, but for the most part "a change was needed, and a change was made." Don't know who said that either.

Either way, I am currently reading A Journey: My Political Life by Tony Blair. If you don't know who that is, I sincerely feel sorry for you and request that you immediately Google him. I'll cut some slack to those who were born in the 90's. I'll give you a hint - what President Obama is to America, Tony Blair was to England (in more ways than one - the Labour party and Obama's Democratic party mirror one another quite intricately) except for much longer and post-Conservative ruling for several decades. And if you want to know more you should watch "The Special Relationship" with Dennis Quaid (as President Clinton) and Michael Sheen (as Tony Blair). And up until recently, Blair has maintained quite an honorable and respected reputation politically and as a person. If you want to know more about "up until recently" google that too. In his book, which was just released here in the States, he says the following (from his chapter, High Expectations where he discusses in depth the night of and events surrounding his swearing in as Prime Minister of Great Britain in 1997):

"When Barack Obama fought and won his extraordinary campaign for the presidency back in 2008, I could tell exactly what he would have been thinking. At one level, the excitement and energy created by such hope vested in the candidate has the effect of buoying you up, driving you on, giving all that you touch something akin to magic. The country is on a high and you are up there with them.

At another, deeper level, however, you quickly realize that though you are the repository of that hope and have in part been the author of it, it now has a life of its own, a spirit of its own and that spirit is soaring far beyond your control. You want to capture it, tame it and harness it, because its very independence is, you know, leading the public to an impossible sense of expectation.

Expectations of this nature cannot be met. That's what you want to tell people. Often you do tell them. But the spirit can't be too constrained. And when finally it departs, leaving your followers with reality - a reality you have never denied and which you have even sought to bring to their attention - the danger is of disillusion, more painful because of what preceded it."

Such profound words from a source who has lived through exactly the description above. We all were so amped up (well, liberals at least) when President Obama was elected. I'll never forget that night, sitting on my couch with my mom and a friend, tears streaming down our faces at the historical event that just took place. The first black president, the first President since Clinton to rally for change and inspire people all over our country. We were stoked. Change has come, change has come. But after the dust settled from that night, the politics took place.

The actual decisions, fights and lobbying, shoulder rubbing and speech-making, and so on and so forth started to occur, and we all waited for something to happen. Republican, Democrat, Independents, whatever you call your party, we were all given a laudry list of resolutions and almost 2 years later we're all looking around saying "where is the change?" Whether it is the Bush tax cuts issue, the economy "shit-uation", the unemployment increases, immigration - whatever is, people aren't getting the results they thought they would hense his recent 52% dissaproval rating. But as I said above, "Rome wasn't built in a day." I think the American people were expecting a day or less. So I'm now realizing why Obama has been getting so much flack lately...the expectations were high, the promise was higher but what everyone seems to forget is that the groundwork is molded now, but the results take years.

That is all...

New Disease: Law Enforcement Egotism

2010-09-26T14:35:00.000-05:00

I live in a state that has very strict legalities when it comes to driving. I understand that the point of having police officers is to enforce the law, but when it goes from upholding safety on the road to unvalidated accusations against careful drivers hasn't it gone too gar? Texting/talking and driving is hugely distracting, no doubt. But there is no law that says you cannot have your phone accessible to you in your own vehicle, should you happen to receive/need to make a call during your trip. I went to Costco a few weeks ago and purchased one of those Bluetooth speakers so I don't have to wear that annoying thing in my ear. Most people are actively taking measures to use their mobile phones while driving but in a safe manor. Including me...and I almost got a ticket for it!

I was just driving home from my friend, Wendy's house. About 3 blocks from my apartment this cop pulls up next to me. As he pulls up next to me I was ironically plugging my phone into the charger. So thinking I'm using it he yells out the window "hey, you need to stop texting or I'll pull your ass over!" He proceeded to follow me down the street screaming out the window at me. I couldn't believe this guy. Obviously during some course of my journey I'm going to be touching my phone - either to turn the sound off when ringing, charging it, seeing who's calling or moving it - whatever the case may be! Why does it automatically have to be thought of as texting because I'm simply touching my cell phone. I'm touching my diet coke too! I see people driving around all day with their phones glued to their ears and never getting as much as a slap on the wrist. But because I'm young and driving with my windows down and music up, I'm automatically violating the law?! That's fucking stupid.

So as I'm pulling into the alley, he follows me and I just stopped to try and defend myself. He proceeds to yell at me and I said to him, "how can you just accuse someone of texting and driving without actually seeing it happen. I was plugging my phone into the charger and I can prove it to you because you will see no texts sent or received within the last 20 minutes that I was operating my vehicle." He goes, "How do I know you weren't trying to send out a text message?" I said, "You can't just assume that! It's unlawful of you because you don't have just cause or proof." I was desperately biting my tongue, I wanted to ream this guy a new one. So being me I had to get a little last push in so he'd remember me, so I said "don't you think the drug dealers and rapists down the street deserve a bit more of your valuable time than a random girl touching her cell phone?" He said, "i hope I don't encounter you again - next time I won't be so generous."

HAHA! Fucking Po Po's. This is LA - they don't pay you to waste your time instilling the fear in people. Go pull over someone driving high or drunk! Don't waste your time on the intelligent, you aren't fooling anyone!

can't see straight

2010-09-21T21:20:00.000-05:00

I am soooooo tired right now it is crazy. I think my four day anxiety attack is over but I'm not too sure because every time I try to breathe, I can't produce a full breath.

That's all.

Music, Oh Music, Where Art Thou?

2010-09-13T22:40:00.001-05:00

Okay, so I made the huge mistake of watching the MTV Video Music Awards last night. This was something I used to thoroughly enjoy, but now it feels like one huge hoax. It's a given that everything in media is intended for publicity and sales, but it all feels so in-genuine and forced. The entire time I felt like I was watching a really terrible beauty pageant for toddlers. Everyone chomping at the bit for camera time, the MC (Chelsea Handler) pulling any borderline shocking comment out of her ass and laughing about it in the hopes that other people will laugh along with her (instead of at her, like me), little girls having crying fits over Justin Beiber who let's face it, looks like a pre-pubescent Hillary Swank, wannabe Jersey Girls throwing out their "Bumpits" because Snooki retired the poof. What a waste of 3 hours of my life!!! It was sad, really. People act like it is the most historic and important evening in the world. Oh, and I realized that the only thing I have in common with Taylor Swift is our singing voices - pitchy and whiney. I think Taylor would have a great career as a songwriter, but America clearly cannot differentiate a good voice with a shit one. The one good thing (there is one, I promise) I will say about the VMA's this year is it was genius to have Eminem open the show. He has so much fire and passion in his performances, I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He's an incredible lyricist and I found the messages in many songs on his new album very real and honest. It was reported that this year's VMA's were the highest rated VMA's since 2002, which I find incredibly ironic considering how cheesy and predictable it was this year. The whole thing left me with a bad taste in my mouth.

All of this VMA's talk brings me to the real point...today's music is pretty disappointing. Anyone can sound great with an auto tune harmonizing the vocals on a track. Anyone can write a song - all you need is an ability to rhyme. In time. It ain't a crime. To feel so sublime. Ya get me? There are people out there making millions of dollars writing terrible songs about love, sex, big booty bitches, college, being drunk and stoned...it's pathetic. Give me something more! Tell me how you really feel about your giant facial mole or the trials and tribulations of never being picked for a kickball team at gym class or losing red rover. I mean that stuff sticks with you when you are 8, 9, 10 years old - you carry those things your whole life whether you admit it or not. Okay now I'm going off on a tangent, but the on the surface bullshit songs are getting old. And it's sad, really, because there are so many talented artists out there who go decades long in the game and never get the recognition they deserve. If I could have my own VMA-style awards show, the following artists would be there for sure:

Adele - "To Make You Feel My Love"
Ray Lamontange - "Trouble"
Arcade Fire - "Keep The Car Running"
Vampire Weekend - "A Punk"
Kings of Leon - "Radioactive"
Gorillaz - "On Melancholy Hill"
The National - "Mistaken For Strangers"
The Black Keys - "Tighten Up"
Band of Horses - "No Ones Gonna Love You"
Sharon Jones & the Dap-Kings - "I Learned the Hard Way"
MGMT - "Kids"
Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros - "Home"
Of Montreal - "Suffer For Fashion"
David Gray - "Ain't No Love"

Truths For Mature Humans

2010-09-09T14:18:00.003-05:00

I got a little kick out of this one today thanks to Gemma for sending it on over - I can always count on a British person to brighten my day with their no hold barred account of life ;)

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Expect the Unexpected

2010-04-06T17:35:00.000-05:00

In my short 25 years I've learned one very valuable lesson that has saved me hours upon hours of stress and anxiety - especially over the last couple of years. That lesson is this:

You cannot just expect things from people. When you do, even slightly, you give that person the opportunity to let you down.

Okay, so I know that because it's coming from me it doesn't sound very shocking because I'm the queen of "face saving" and "putting walls up." I know, I know...I'm working on it :) I learned it from my mother - thanks mom! But without the thick skin, the things I've done, people I've met and endeavors that I will take on would/will never exist. The reason I bring this up is because we would all love for things to just work out, people to be genuine and the world to right itself when it feels off kilter.

For example, when my close friends confide in me, which has been happening a lot lately, I listen, never judge and just really try to put myself in their shoes. Additionally, I try to relay the information that has been bestowed upon me. I don't necessarily consider myself wise, but I've been through a few shit storms. Unfortunately, it takes a lot more than giving someone advice for that person to really grasp what you are saying. Stay tuned for next week's blog about people who always love to bitch about their problems but never do anything about them! Oh yea, that's gonna be a good one.

Anyways, it's going to take a very heartfelt experience, often resulting in a broken heart or loss of friendship or something that will greatly affect you to the point where you allow yourself the option to be free of expectations. Believe me, it's a very sad realization. How unfortunate it is that we cannot rely on our own hope or good will of people? But the truth is that most people are selfish. And why shouldn't they be? It's like a viscious circle. Once you are hurt by someone, what do you do? You self preserve and use your defense mechanisms to get through it. That usually results in you shutting down a bit and slowly you learn to put yourself first. I don't mean that you never think about others, but at least in my life, I have just come to the point where my own self appreciation comes ahead of the feelings of others. And I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing. You are with yourself for the rest of your life...learn to love the day to day :)

I have heard from several older and thus wiser friends that your 20's are pretty damn hard. Your comfort zones are virtually non-existent. You go out into the world blindly and on your own (well some of us), hoping for the best. Get it....hoping! We are all hoping for simplicity or love or success (whatever that may mean to you). And sometimes we fall flat on our asses. But eventually we have to pick ourselves up again and walk on.

So maybe it's about learning to live with ourselves in a world full of unanswered questions. I find that very liberating. I know many people who don't feel comfortable with the unknown. And that's okay too. We are all different. But, we have to start realizing that everything isn't going to just "work out." Some things we will have to give up on, but not everything! So I guess what I'm trying to say is love yourself by learning about yourself first. Take everything in. Do something crazy. Date someone you normally wouldn't. Observe and maybe one day we'll be able to expect more :) That's what I hope at least.

the end.

GRASPing Tightly Everyday!

2010-04-05T16:56:00.000-05:00

My mother and I were fortunate enough to have had lunch this past Saturday with a very amazing lady, Denise Cullen. Denise's son Jeff suffered a long battle with substance abuse addiction and very tragically died in August of 2009. Her experience with Jeff's addiction and her own career as a medical and clinical social worker have both greatly contributed to her current endeavor as the new director of national foundation, GRASP (Grief Recovering After a Substance Passing). During our afternoon with Denise we were able to share stories and through our time together I truly felt like I had made a new friend!

There are currently 12 GRASP groups throughout the nation. Only 12! That's not many at all especially when you consider the amount of addicted people there are in this country. So I'm going to do my part and start an LA chapter. I'm hoping that I'll have some support from the locals - there are 9 million of them!

Just wanted to share :) I'm really excited.

Dancing Senior Citizens

2010-02-11T18:02:00.000-06:00

Senior Citizens Take On "Billie Jean"

2010-02-11T18:01:00.000-06:00

Senior Citizens Take On "Billie Jean"

THIS IS WHAT MOVING LOOKS LIKE...MAYHEM

2009-12-28T16:22:00.015-06:00

I'm moving...if you didn't know that then welcome to my life. I know, I know...Tiger Woods' sluts and familial destruction has been fiercely more important than my move, and that's where you have been for the past 3 weeks. I get it, he's Tiger, I'm only me. Welcome back. So basically my room looks like a crime scene. It literally looks like my entire room/the basement was ransacked and destroyed. 11 days til the big drive cross country AKA the first step of this mountain climb of a situation. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be more excited but it does contain an enormous amount of inner battling. Here's a typical conversation I have with myself on a daily basis:

Me: So "Anna Karenina?" Keep or toss?
Me: Let's keep it. It's supposed to be a classic.
Me: But, you've had it for 10 years and never read it. Why can't you just go to the library and take it out?
Me: I just want it.
Me: Okay, you win. Keep it.
Tough battle, "hardly" fought...easily won. Those three boxes in the photo below are only filled with books. Ha.

Or, this gem of a convo regarding clothes...

Me: You haven't warn this sweater ever.
Me: That's okay I'll wear it one day. It's really cute.
Me: When did you get it?
Me: Like 3 years ago at Macy's.
Me: Oh. But your going to be in Los Angeles where it's warm. You won't even wear wool sweaters in Chicago when it's below zero because of your hot bloodedness.
Me: Okay, but it's still cute.
Me: Okay, you win. Pack it up.

See, I have some mind boggling decisions to make. Okay, in reality, maybe I am being a little bit of a hoarder, but truly, my clothes mean a lot to me, my books mean a lot tot me - both make me who I am. Even if I don't utilize them. And don't plan to ;) I'm the queen of excuses and debating.

Um, yea....those are my wardrobes (after I cleaned everything out to give away). Tells ya a lot. Good thing my closet in the new apartment is a walk-in and big enough to accommodate everything you see here. I keep forgetting about my dresser, which is large and contains many more pieces of my apparel. Ooh, and my purses, coats and shoes. Riiiiiiiiiiight. Hmmm.

A few boxes. Not bad, not bad

I don't know how to explain this. 11 days. 11 days. 11 days. 11 days.

That's me after taking these photos. ------->

Controversial Chelsea is at it again

2009-12-23T21:57:00.004-06:00

Just like anything we humans believe, the root of the particular ideal started as a story told by someone to someone else which was told to that someone by another somebody else and so on and back and back until the story's creation. Even the tale of Jesus Christ was written down and described by multiple people to develop into the life of Christ that thousands of people around the world wordship and know to be the foundation of their lives today. "Jesus died for your sins" - so you keep on sinning. "Mary was a virgin" - so you have to be until marriage. "Jesus understands your pain" - okay he walked during a time we no longer exist in and which not one person from 2009 could function normally living in on a day to day basis (now we have deeper problems like poverty, pollution, addiction, the list goes on - and WWJD? He hadn't even scratched the surface during his time). On that same token, some theorists argue that the idea of religion is based upon fables meant to keep order in societies. Same with the idea of heaven and hell. If you do sin, you will burn in the fiery pits of hell. If you do good and don't lie, cheat, steal, adulterate, disrespect, and so on and so forth, you will go to heaven and live blissfully on a cloud for eternity.

As children we formulate what is right and wrong, true and false, here and there based upon the tellings of our parents, teachers and elders - but mainly our parents. From the get go we are lead to believe in one thing over another. Is that right? As humans, aren't we given the option of free will? The Bible says so. The Torah says so. The Koran says so. So then why are parents all over the world instilling ideas that are mere possibilities into the fresh minds of their children? Do we want our children to discover life and think for themselves or to be followers willing to believe anything they hear in order to be accepted into a group?

As an independent person, tride and true, I am reluctant to say that when I have children, they will be Jewish or Catholic even though I was raised in a Jewish household with touches of Catholicism. I'm in my mid 20's andI don't follow either religion. I haven't been to synagogue in like 3 years. The last time I was in Church was to honor my brother's life because a particular Mass was dedicated to him. That was last year. I'm not going to Church on Christmas. I didn't go on Thanksgiving. I'm not getting married in one. I don't know what I believe, but I was lucky enough to have two parents who didn't jam religion down my throat. There are many cultures that embody religion from birth til death and in which questioning faith is a sin and may result in damnation or even death. Who am I to judge those particular cultures? Unfortunately, we live in a world which thrives upon judgements which is ironic because isn't the only real judge God, as they say.

I'm being very skeptical and controversial because that's what happens to me during this time of year, every year. At Christmastime I always ponder its purpose. I always ask myself, "why am I celebrating a holiday that I don't believe in?" I may not believe in a parents right to mold a belief system. But I do know the answer to my own ponderings... I would rather spend a day giving from my heart, spending quality time, laughing, rejoicing, eating, drinking, talking, playing and BELIEVING in the one thing I know exists....my family.

Movie Review: 500 Days of Summer

2009-12-22T20:39:00.002-06:00

I totally have a crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt after checking this one out. He's a cutie, but in a more manly way than his teeny film era self i.e. 10 Things I Hate About You. Not to say he wasn't bodacious-ish then - just hadn't grown into his full hot self yet. But about the movie (haha)...I wasn't overwhelmingly into it but I'll keep it positive because I have a good feeling about it overall.

The story line worked for me for a few reasons. First of all, it was interesting to look at a dating stereotype flipped around. We have Summer, played by the fabulous Zooey Deschanel, as the heroine - and I literally mean that she was Tom's (played by J.G.L - I'm abbreviating, I don't want to type it out every time) heroin, as in the drug. She isn't into the relationship thing and Tom definitely is. He's the typical romantic guy, fighting for love and getting suckered into falling for the one girl he could never have. Summer was pretty out-and-out about her intentions for her relationship with Tom. She was upfront with him about her issues with titles and hangups about love, but she carried on intimacy, spent quality time with him and let down her walls with him. So she did lead him on and let the love grow one-sided (and she knew it too).

The acting was great from J.G.L. I wasn't entirely impressed with Zooey in this one but I still think she's incredibly talented and you can't help but appreciate the female lead choice. She's cute as a button. Ideally, the director could have sorted this one out chronologically, but he chose back tracks and flash forwards in a perfectly random order throughout...you guessed it...500 days. I think it made this simple romantic jaunt more intriguing to view. It kept me guessing. During the scene where she is "letting down her walls," I was for sure she was going to hang up her hangups the next day. But then there were simpler scenes like the "Ringo Starr" record moment. She basically rolls her eyes at him which made me think she thought he was a bit ridiculous. The marriage thing I never saw coming. I was surprised mainly because I felt bad for poor Tommy. I would feel sad for myself as well. Knowing that the person I loved couldn't be with me because he didn't want to be in a relationship with me but would with someone else that he met when he was romantically involved wtih me - yea, time to call my therapist.

The ending was nice and hopeful as Tom moved from Summer into "Autumn." I liked it. Overall, I'll give it 3.5 out of 5 Kraft Mac & Cheese boxes. I use the rating scale as such because Kraft Mac & Cheese is my favorite food and I may or may not be having a craving for it right now. I'll let you tell me which one it is ;) Also, the star is getting a bit boring. I'm over it.

These Coming Weeks

2009-12-20T09:28:00.004-06:00

Apartment lease signed...check.
Mattress picked out/deposit put down...check.
Room packed up...okay, well that's still a work in progress.
From there it just gets a little hazy. With the holidays around the corner I've got to admit, I am feeling a bit somber at the thought of spending a lot of quality time with friends and family and then just days later having to leave them. This experience is much different than the other moves I've made because I always went away with the notion that I would be coming back. Whether that time lasted 3 weeks of 6 months, it wouldn't last much more than that. But now, I am actually packing up everything that belongs to me and trekking it across the nation to Los Angeles. Obviously I wouldn't pack up and leave everything I know and love if I wasn't sure that I could handle it and love it, even if I had to learn to. Believe me, I know what it means to learn to love a place you are living. For example, although London was amazing and the experience was unforgettable, it did take me about 2 months to settle in and finally feel comfortable and actually enjoy the aspects of the city. Everyone probably thought that I loved every minute of it, but it was difficult. It was hard to be on my own in a completely different culture let alone continent, knowing absolutely no one, all the while having to get my own job and house. I learned a lot - mostly about myself. For example, I learned that I rush into things. I get scared and I panic that I won't find what is best for me, and instead I just choose the first thing I come across because it is available. Maybe it's just my excitable nature, which is fine. But it almost makes me feel contradictory because I am a full believer in never settling and always going for what you want even if you don't get it, at least you tried.

So anyways, I am stoked! Christina and I are really excited to move into our new home...it's adorable, by the way. My mom's first choice! I'm so glad she came with us - she's a very smart person, especially when it comes to signing contracts and asking all of the necessary questions. So here's how I know that I'm doing the right thing by moving....I thought about every aspect of what this would entail not just a year ago but almost 2 years ago. While living in London I actually did think about where I would want to live when I got back. Knowing me, I would be vigorously searching for a new relocation destination. This is just who I am...a vagabond, someone who needs to feel the changes and go with the flow to feel normal. Even if I just had a feeling about something, and then actually go for it. Yes, even if thast means moving thousands of miles away, at least my free spirit would be honored and I could be me. But back to the topic at hand. I know I am making the right decision for the following reasons (in addition to having thought about this for 2 years). I know because I actually sat down and said, "this is where I want to go, I'll figure it out when I get there." Now, you are probably thinking, what no plan?! Well, every time I've made a plan I've wanted to back out. So if I learn from my mistakes and go somewhere allowing things to just happen to me, I can't set myself up for failure. So other than taking the time out to find an apartment, driving around the city just to see what I will be living in, and picking out a mattress, the rest is being left to the moving Gods.

When I get there, having no children, husband or other commitments back here to keep me, I can do whatever the fuck I want. Feels good! I don't have to worry about the Visa expiring or the job sucking or the bad roommate situation back in Chicago. By the way, another reason I am who I am today is because of my life-long anti-filtering campaign - boo fucking hoo. The moral of the story is, whether you think I'm completely out of control for constantly moving around or that I'm running away or that I'm wasting money...you don't walk in my shoes and you don't have any room to judge. One life, people. Live it.

P.S. While I'm looking out over the shores of the Pacific ocean you will be 4 feet deep in snow.

I adore the simpliticy of these lyrics

2009-12-19T00:34:00.001-06:00

Twenty-two summers
And I hope You'll have a hundred more
Colors of this roof
Will always follow

I hope we meet in the end
With wrinkles like the divas
And we'll dance again and again
In the end
In the end
oh oh oh

Days and months and years
In cities people love and fear
Make out wherever she's out drinking
Always be ?

I hope we meet in the end
With wrinkles like the divas
And we'll dance again and again
In the end
In the end
oh oh oh

I hope we meet in the end
With wrinkles like the divas
And we'll dance again and again
In the end
In the end
oh oh oh

I hope we meet in the end
With wrinkles like the divas
And we'll dance again and again
In the end
In the end
oh oh oh

In The End by Ida Maria

Tiger: A Porno Waiting to Happen

2009-12-10T19:36:00.005-06:00

If you haven't heard today's news then you must be a pipe-dwelling mouse with no access to news mediums and a very small brain (but don't worry, you have that tail). It appears as though Tiger is into hoes. Not very shocking. We've got models, club owners, wannabe starlets, and now "escorts." I love that word "escort." At one point in time that word meant companion or Friday night date and now it involves a bit more than playing a little game of "Just the Tip." Apparently, Tiger is into it. Now what really interests me is that, Michelle Braun, the owner of this escort service, claims that her business closed last year after running into personal legal troubles. Hmmm I wonder why! You own an escort service, chicky. Unbelievable.

Twits of Tinsel Town - First Edition

2009-12-09T11:12:00.016-06:00

Oh media, how you amaze me! We all have those celebs we love to hate, but there comes a point when you really question the objective of their existence in the spotlight. I often ask myself, why have these morons been chosen out of 300+ million people to represent our country's standards of entertainment worth? It is disheartening that people with pointless and annoying positions make millions of dollars doing absolutely nothing! And shame on you, America, for buying into it!! I'm not a perfect person, but come on Hollywood...why??? The following people not only annoy the shite out of me, but make no qualms about their shameless existence either.

Paris Hilton
Need I say more?

Mary Murphy
Look at this picture! Does this not make your skin crawl? Now, I pray you have never actually listened to Mary Murphy speak before. But if you have, this picture says it all - annoying, loud and obnoxious. I've never actually seen Mary Murphy dance before, but she is a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, so I guess that makes her important, but literally everything she says involves a high pitched almost Southern mama cooking up bacon and grits in the kitchen type of roar. Mary, we can hear you. Tone it down a notch. I mean, I guess she could have worse attributes. I just can't help but feel like I'm being assaulted while watching a fun show! Not cool, Murphy. If you want to hear what I'm talking about, just click on Scary Mary.

Ann Coulter
This woman is proof that you can pretty much insult any culture, person, belief or any human right in general, and not only get famous for it, but have civilians site you as a credible and watch-worthy source. Sure, she's skinny and blond and seems wholesome. But the minute she opens her mouth you want to go out to the first PetSmart and buy her a muzzle. I don't hate her because she is the rebel of the Conservative persuasion. I just find her accusations of liberal and innovative ideals to be really harsh and poorly backed-up. I mean, this was the woman who said, "We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say," while arguing that it would be better if we were all Christians. First of all, Ann, Jews run much of your industry, and we're still putting you on the air - be grateful, not hateful. Bitch. Click on Ann to experience her idiotic verbal assault on humanity.

More to come manana!!

Dear Tiger

2009-12-04T15:41:00.005-06:00

I have to do this:

Dear Tiger,
Thank you so very much for helping 7 billion people stupify themselves this week. While the marketplace is still a failure, the war in Afghanistan in full effect allowing for thousands of brave soldiers to lose their lives and while millions of poverty-stricken people all over the world are turning tricks just to feed their kids - you disrupt the flow of the world with the most idiotically planned infidelity scheme this year. The fact that you thought your illicit affairs would fly under the radar for years to come makes me realize that you are more dumb than John Edwards, Elliot Spitzer and Jude Law put together. You are the most famous athlete in the world, with a combined worth of over $500 mllion. What makes you think your scandal wouldn't get out? You have a beautiful and devoted wife, adorable children, an incomperable career and more money than God....and still that's not enough. It's just sad that you have officially fucked up your children for the rest of their lives, not to mention that your marriage will never be the same. Oh, and that voicemail message that slut #3 publicized, you really sounded like you felt bad - NOT. Cause you didn't, douchebag. Get over yourself. You should be thanking Jesus, Mary and Joseph that your endorsements are still in tact. Clearly, as an athlete you are a force to be reckoned with, but as a person, you blow ass. Thanks for ruining my favorite news programs for me. Merry effing Christmas.

Love,
Chelsea

Wow. That felt good.

Moving Realizations

2009-12-03T11:59:00.004-06:00

One of my favorite pastimes is driving through the Illinois countryside on a fall day. The sun doesn’t have to be shining; it doesn’t even have to be mildly warm. As long as I have my tunes blaring and a wide open space to clear my mind, the day will be my idea of perfection. I’ll truly miss that feeling in LA. Not to say that LA doesn’t have its share of breathtaking scenery. I’m sure I will find enjoyment in taking long drives all over California, but I am a born and bred mid-Western girl with a deep appreciation for the country. I’m a blend of values and innocence from the land of vast corn fields and pastures and sassy smarts from city life. One day I could be perfectly fine with a book and a view to enjoy it by, and then a day later have the need for bustling, traffic filled streets, thousands of faces to pass and an evening of dancing and drinks to celebrate life in.

**Just some thoughts as the days grow closer to the biggest move of my life!

Who Am I?

2009-08-26T22:32:00.004-05:00

I don't remember where I was or who I was with, my age, or my state of mind, but I will never forget once hearing a mother of three say to me, "I don't remember my life before I had children."

To me, a single, working, intelligent, 24-year-old American woman, that statement is completely foreign...except for one part:

"I don't remember my life before..."

That part is crystal clear.

Here I sit, August 26th, 2009, exactly 9 months and 9 days since the seminal event of my life occured. Those words have never been more familiar. I look at pictures of myself from a few years ago and I don't even recognize myself. I look at my "friends" - who are they? I don't remember them. It looks like we were having a lot of fun. Where we?

When I look in the mirror, I see someone who is tired and a bit worn out, but on the upside, pretty sure of herself. I don't wear makeup anymore unless I'm going out on a Friday or Saturday night, because I just don't give a shit if my blemishes show or if my eye lashes are noticeable enough. I'm not dressed to impress. I wear leggings all the time now, not jeans, because I never liked jeans, how they looked on me, or how denim felt against my skin. My stomach hasn't been right for a while now, but I keep eating cheese and carbs because I love it.

If you were to ask me a question, any question, I would know how to answer it. Not because I have practiced answering it in my mind, but because I just know. I know who I am. It feels good to say that, but it feels pretty shitty to say why. I'm not saying I know everything about life. I definitely know a lot, at least about who I am and who I want to be. Self assurance isn't natural, it comes from experiences, memories, hardships, old friends, new friends, love, loss, and everything in between. It's easy to fake self-assurance. I used to do it all the time. It was my shield. But really, at night, I'd cry because I hated myself. Now that I love myself, I never cry for self-pity, only sadness of other forces that cannot be reckoned with.

I was just talking to one of my best friends about loss. Not losing someone as in death, but losing a relationship. I lost a few friends this year. People that I thought would be there for me through anything. And if you were to ask them, I'm sure they'd tell you that they were there. Physically, yes, they showed up, but mentally and emotionally and patiently...no. I will always believe that Alex was sending me a sign when my friendships ended. Because now, I wake up and I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone anymore. When I talk to my friends (the ones who stick around), it's not as if I'm talking to my friend, it's as if I am talking to my family. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. That's a really good feeling. I have this one friend, who will remain nameless, who farts in front of me constantly. And these farts aren't gentle, these are the Serenghetti of farts, the Mount Kilimanjaro of human waste expulsion. So she farts around me and I hate it, but every time she does it I am so glad she feels that she is able to do that around me. It's a good feeling to know someone feels completely themself around you because then you can reciprocate and not even think about it!

I'm tired now. It's been a long day. But I keep keepin' on as I always do.

...

2009-07-25T16:39:00.002-05:00

You and me, how it used to me
holding hands as we crossed the street
nothing to say, no need for that
your presence was enough for me

skipping through the fields at night
dancing around in the moonlight
feeling part of something bigger than this

i cant explain the crutch
words are not enough
i cant dream it again
my soul is on the mend
step by step i stride
feeling lost inside
you left before i had a chance to say goodbye

Pointless But Interesting...

2009-07-16T23:31:00.005-05:00

What brand were the last pair of jeans you wore?
I'm really not a fan of jeans, believe it or not. I never have been. I only wear them if I absolutely have to - i.e. to a concert, sporting event, or with a cute top when I'm out on a Friday night or somethin'. That's why I buy dresses and leggings and black pants and black capris. I do own a pair of jeans...actually a few, they are from Gap. But recently my mom pointed out that they are not flattering haha. Soooo I'm back to comfort pants only.

Where did you spend time yesterday?
Work. For about 9 hours. I wish I didn't have to work...but then again, don't we all :)

Will tomorrow be a busy day for you?
Most likely, but luckily I'm spending my evening with my best girls playing games and eating and laughing and being together!

What song is currently.. playing?
Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band...who I am seeing live on Saturday night! Yayyy!!

Do you use all ten fingers to type?
Nope. I don't use my pinkies. Just discovered that the other day actually!

Name something random in your room that you probably shouldn't find in there?
My mom's wedding dress. Which is now yellow from lack of care over the years, but none the less it gives me a hearty laugh when I look over at it and think that I will probably be wearing a portion of that dress one day. And I also laugh because my parents were actually married to each other.

Who was the last friend that listened to you vent?
Tina, my love!
I just got off the phone with her. It wasn't really venting, it was sadness because I miss my brother, but she was being the amazing Teenie that I know AND LOVE :)

Is love real?
YES. Very real, to me :) I've loved and lost and loved again and lost again and will probably continue that cycle, because Im all about the love!

What did you do today?
Worked all day where I was a major dissappointment :(
Hung out with my mom for a bit after work
Went to have a little sesh with my therapist, God love her!
Drove home
Talked to Tina
Talked to Becky
Now I'm blogging

Do you hαve any pictures in your room if so what of?
Tons! I have collages that my little sisters have made for me. I have a collage of Alex that Nikki made for me. Pictures of my brother and I. And I have paintings here and there.

Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yes. But that's not possible.

Honestly, where would you rather be right now?
Across the pond in a little country called England :)

Honestly, does being with your friends make you happy?
Absolutely! It's nice to have true friends in my life who are willing to go through the good, the bad, the ugly, the amazing, and just the whole journey. And it's also nice to have people to be myself around who appreciate all of the little elements of who I am!

Do you hαve a TV in your room?
Yes...but I don't really watch it that much, more into reading and sleeping these days.

Would you rather have long or short hair?
I looooooooove my long hair.

Do you think girls that shop at hollister are snobby bitches?
Not really...people have different styles and that's cool.

Are you wearin make-up?
Nope. No need at this hour.

In the past 12 hours who have you talked to the most?
My mom...she's my rock!

What are you thinking about right now?
I'm thinking about how much I love Becky and how proud of her I am :)

Who did you last text?
Jessica Lazzaretto Arzer!

Who did you last talk to on the phone?
Becks

How do you feel right now?
Tired, nervous to go to work tomorrow because I'm a horrible excuse for an employee apparantly, but also excited because tomorrow night is game night at Jess'! Waaa hoooo!!

Last December, where were you in life?
The worst place I have ever been or ever will be. Wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Do you miss your past?
I miss being 12 and not knowing the hard stuff about life. I have become a new person in 7 months so I absolutely miss feeling whole, feeling lucky to have all of my family happy and healthy. I don't yet know what it is like to truly live a substantial amount of time without my brother, who in essence is the other half of me. And if I could back and save him, I would in a heartbeat.

Last thing you drank?
Coffee....it's my life

Are you stressed?
Fo sho. I manage it well and try not to let it make me all bent out of shape but it's unavoidable for all of us I think.

Want to say anything?
I'm saying a whole lot right now. I am really excited to move to LA! I'm super stoked for the upcoming months of fun and vacations and friends and family! And...life is short and out of our control so take it day by day. Don't sweat the small stuff. Appreciate those you love.

Was yesterday better than today?
Everyday is different. I don't remember, but I can't imagine it being much different.

When is the last time you saw your mom?
Like 4 hours ago

Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?
Tough question to answer. I recently severed a friendship with my best guy friend. He was not there for me AT ALL during the loss of my brother. Hasn't checked up on me at all since the funeral/condolence call. I miss being able to talk to him about everything. I miss going to concerts. I miss kicking back to have a few beers. I miss Sunday night Entourage sessions. I miss the teasing. I miss the connection we had. But in the end, the truest tests of friendship occur through hardship and life changes. He failed the test miserably. So I move along...

Who pisseed you off yesterday?
No one, really.

What do you currently hear right now?
My fan buzzing around and the immaculate music of Third Eye Blind :)

Do you get distracted easily?
Nope. I'm a pretty focused person when I want to be.

What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?
Peed

If you could push one person off of a mountain who would it be?
Everybody loves somebody, so even though there are a few people I pray for, Iwould never do that to their families :)

When was the last time you had fun?
Last weekend when I was out in Chi City with my cousin!

Who was the first person that you talked to today?
Mi madre

Have you ever gotten in a fight with someone, and never made up?
Ha...ummm yea, some people aren't worth a moment of my time.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
Yes! Nikki, Natalie, and Kristy...love my besties!

Who was the last person you cooked for?
That's hillarious.

Do you miss the way things used to be?
Like what? Like the way Mariah Carey was before Glitter? I only know 1985 until now, so I'd probably bring back Saved By The Bell and Michael Jackson circa "Wanna Be Startin Somethin'"
\Where is the next place you will travel to?
Alpine on Saturday!

What is something you currently want?
Happiness...and a nice man in my life would be nice :) For reals. I'm deprived lol

Would you pass a drug test?
Hell yea...don't even make me explain why!

She's Got Me Like Nobody...

2009-07-14T20:32:00.010-05:00

I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas please...

Oh the lyrics of Lady Gaga, so poignant and yet so ironic at the same time. I actually find Lady Gaga to be extremely fascinating. She does a really incredible job of grabbing people's attention. She's kind of my girl crush. Her and Zooey Deschanel. I like them both for different reasons. Lady Gaga has that mysterious, shocking originality. The downside is that it's very clear she is trying to be/look different to the point that it's hard for anyone to relate to her. I still find it tough after almost a year since "The Fame" hooked us all. That's why I have Zooey Deschanel to kind of center it for me.

I'm crazy about them both but Zooey kind of balances it out. She's not trying too hard, it's clear she sings her own tune but does it in a way where it is not borderline scary. I like that. Anyways, I had a point.

I was listening to "Pokerface" today on my way home from work and it was the first time I really thought about the lyrical content of the song. Which is totally not like me because I'm all about hidden meanings and irony and symbolism so normally I would have had this song figured out right out the gate but it's not one of those songs you would think would have this deep meaning. Because it doesn't. It's basically taking the double standards of society and giving it the finger. Which I love, don't get me wrong, but I just don't relate to anything she is singing about. I'm not the "play with men's minds and take the money and run" kinda chick. It's funny to watch her give interviews. She sits down and talks to these reporters about nonsense. It almost seems scripted to me. She is my age and talks about having random and meaningless sex with people all over the world and that she sees everything as an art. As an artist in my own ways, I KNOW that everything is not art related. If Hitler and Sadaam and war is an art then I'm done. She plays off the whole "feminity" thing but kind of sucks at it because she admits she sleeps around. It just doesn't make sense to me. I think we all know now that you don't gain respect or admiration by being a whore. I wouldn't be surprised if Gloria Steinem dropped her t.v. out of a window after witnessing half the crap that is considered "interesting." I know I'm right...look at Britney Spears.

Anyways, I keep losing my point of this whole posting. Oh yea, so I'm like the queen of the "Pokerface." I think we all have the ability to put on our Pokerface when the time is right. Clearly I'm not going to give mine away, but if you're lucky enough you will get to experience it ;) So all I will say is that love games are stupid and a waste of time and it's sometimes just easier to be honest...for everyone. I feel like that we live in a society where we all have to have a "don't let them know" type of attitude. I don't like that. I like being real. It's more fun. Oh, I started making a list of things I like and dislike. Yes, seriously...

Likes:

- Watching awkward encounters play out

- Observing body language

- Cream cheese

- Waiting until the end of the day to check Facebook (soooo sad, I know!) - so I can have a hearty laugh at my friend's commentary :)

- Mos Def, Common (saw him in concert with my mom and brother last year and still refer to it as one of the hottest things I've ever seen) and Idris Elba (man, oh man is he hot)- I'm kinda into them. Oh and Gerard Butler (I had to throw a white guy in there - 300, all I have to say). Okay so now you know I'm sex deprived.

- McDonald's coffee

- Falling asleep with the fan on...even though my basement is freezing already. and even in the dead of winter.

Dislikes:

- People who have no listening ability

- Sexual deviants (obviously)

- the mini-golf guys who play in the hallway at my office (they actually ask me to stop walking in the middle of the hallway so they can finish their hole. as if the hallway isn't big enough for us all to move around in!)

- People who think their issues trump other people's issues

- Drivers who don't use their signals but instead would rather cut you off. I don't get it. So rude!

- America haters

- Paris Hilton...yep, I still can't find anything I like about her

So that's it...all in all, I don't really know where I was going with any of this...

til tomorrow xoxo

Chels :)

Choices

2009-07-12T22:15:00.020-05:00

So I finally decided to sit down and get the creative juices flowing again. It's not a walk in the park, people. It's super hard. Finding the inspiration and motivation to write is like finding a needle in a haystack right now. I partially blame my job. From 8:30 am until 6:00 pm Monday through Friday, my creativity is sucked from my loins. I guess that is just the result of working in marketing. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but it's not fun to come home physically exhausted from having a 9 hour brain workout. Why am I such a complainer? Okay, I'm stopping now. I promise :)

So I read this book everyday called "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. My amazing cousin, Michelle AKA Steiney, bought it for my mom right after Alex died, but I stole it because I didn't really want to read a whole grief book. So instead I read a daily message and it gives me something relatable to think about throughout the day. I usually read one on my way to work. It works out great because there is one for each day of the year. It relaxes me and brings me back to reality, forcing me to deal with the process I am still going through.

I really loved today's entry which started off with this quote:

"Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver." - Sophocles

The excerpt was about decision making and how even the simplest of choices can seem impossible to make. My usual system of "choice making" is altered because of the grief completely effecting my life.

I have begun to realize that feeling grounded is such a blessing. It's hard to be so wishy washy, but that's the constant state of flux that exists during a time of grief. Tonight I had dinner with two of my closest friends who happen to be twin sisters, Jessica and Becky. They are both very different but have a very close bond. They have been there for me so much over the past 7 months. Last year Jessica had twin daughters, Kylie and Gianna - those cuties in the picture! You want to talk about a life-changing experience? She has changed her life with so much grace and integrity in no time at all. It's so awesome to watch her with her daughters because it was not too long ago that we were galavanting around Chicago getting hammered silly and making really bad decisions. So it's interesting to recognize the choice that she has made and the person that she has become in just a short year. The respect I have for her is insurmountable. To see her with her daughters is so endearing. They are beautiful little girls and every time I am with them I feel more and more connected to being a mom and having a family of my own one day. I bring this up because whether the change has been death or life, it's still challenging and life-changing.

Now Becky has a different situation. God, I love my Big Bad Becks! Becky is the sweetest person you will ever know and I respect her so much. She has lived in Libertyville her entire life, loves her family and friends, and would be perfectly fine in her state and place for her entire life. Tonight at dinner we were talking about Los Angeles. If you are not yet aware, I am moving there in February. Cannot wait! I mentioned this to Becky because I know that she has always wanted to travel and live in another city, but the thought of it is pretty scary to her because she would be out of her element and it would be difficult to leave her friends and family. So I have mentioned the idea of moving to LA with me a few times and her face lights up with excitement and interest every time! But tonight I saw a different face then I am used to. I finally saw a small twinkle signifying that a decision is being made. And that decision is to move to LA! I am constantly reminding myself that I am a little bananas. I do things like pick up and fly somewhere or move to a completely different country haha. Most of my friends don't need to do that. So I completely understand Becky's hesitations. But I think I've sold her! Maybe. Only time will tell. I just love her so much and would love for her to have an experience unlike anything she has ever had. But again, this is another DECISION that is hard to make. To pick up and leave everything you know and love, it's hard to do. Well clearly not for me, but for some people it is. I've always been a free spirit. The unknown is a frightening situation for most people. I personally find it mesmerizing. But then again I'm a weirdo!

Anyways, the moral of the story is that no matter what kind of choice needs to be made, there will always be cause for concern but the way I look at it is, if you try it atleast you will never regret not trying it. Life is too short to wonder. Because my brother made a poor choice that fateful evening on the 15th of December, it cost him his life. I am not going to hold myself back from living life to the fullest. It's what he would have wanted and I am always going to honor that. I feel like I am living life for two people now, Alex and myself, so that at least when I see him again, because I have a feeling I will, I can show him that his memory never left my heart.

Question of the Day

2009-06-07T18:18:00.015-05:00

If Michael Jackson is so obsessed with being "private" then why is it that he retorts to dressing like an alien cowboy at a country club as a "disguise?" We know its you Michael! But do you know it's you? It wouldn't be anyone else because no human being with their screws tightened would wear something like that anywhere. Even on Halloween. Am I alone here?

My Top Movie Quotes

2009-05-16T18:01:00.004-05:00

"Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior."
-Empire Records
**This quote rocks because it's just true. Plain and simple.

"Winning without dignity or grace is not winning."
-Stepmom
**In my day (all 24 years of it), people have pulled some viscious stunts trying to get ahead. I don't roll like that. I'd rather "win" and be miserable than "win" with deceit and cruelty. I know a lot of people who prefer to come out on top no matter how it happens than lose. I just never saw the point.

"You can't always trust the people you want to"
-10 Things I Hate About You
**How true is that!

"Every man dies, but not every man really lives."
-Braveheart
**This quote is the reason why I do crazy things. I don't mean "padded room" crazy, I mean taking risks. I believe it's true. We only get one shot so I think we should make it worth it.

"Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke"
-Broken Arrow
**Alright, that's a true statement! People need to lighten up and/or remove the stick from their ass.

"Nothing has turned out as we expected. It never does. Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is."
-Gone With The Wind
**No explanation needed

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris Buehler's Day Off
**Classic! I love this movie. I could watch it over and over again.

Matthew: I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it? Aldous Snow: I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.
-Forgetting Sarah Marshall
**So hillarious!

"Here's looking at you, kid."
-Casablanca
**Humphrey Bogart (Rick), while not profoundly attractive to me in any way, won me over just by saying that.

“So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” Well it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. ‘cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much."
-Clueless
**It's not hard to see why the movie was titled what it was.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke."
-As Good As It Gets

2009-05-16T17:55:00.000-05:00

To keep me entertained there always needs to be an element of surprise involved. If I am going to take time out of my day to sit in front of an electric box, I need to be stimulated. And this year, I’m like a comfortable chair that just had a vibrating mechanism installed in it. I can’t get enough of this schmootz. So bare with me as I reveal the top 10 shows that are revvin’ my engine this year! And number 10 is….

Millionaire Matchmaker

As a Jew living in a world full of Goy’s (the Yiddish term for followers of Christ) I find myself constantly trying to relate to naturally, my own kind. So who better than Patti Stanger to bring out the Jew in me. I think this show is absolutely hillarious. It’s a great concept. It’s like Fiddler on the Roof meets Wall Street. It’s ridiculous. These men crack me up! We’ve got emotionally retarded, socially inept babies who are good at one thing – making money and taking names. So instead of finding an aspect of life to step out of “business mode,” they relate everything they do to the old standard question, “what can I get out of this situation?” Instead of living for the simple things in life all these men know how to do is twist love into some sort of business deal. Newsflash – women don’t want to be treated like a transaction, there are no contracts involved, no gimmicks, all we want is to be cherished and adored and give it back in return. If you ask me, Patti has one of the hardest jobs in all of history. Making money by setting middle aged millionaires up with hot, young women has to be to tough, especially in La La Land. She spends so much time dueling with these guys about their issues, when it is unfortunately a waste of time. I have a fifty year old father who is so set in his ways that God could come down from heaven, sit in front of him and say ”I am the Messiah and it’s time to go to Temple” and he would call bullshit. So based on observing the only single, fifty year old, successful business owner that I love, I can imagine Patti’s frustration. But hey, she has a show on Bravo based off of her career as a 3rd generation matchmaker, so she’s doing something right. And in the end, and this is part that I love, she puts her hands together and asks her client, “does the penis go up or down?” If it all goes back to that tride and true ideal of men thinking with their little head instead of the big one. So what have I learned from Patti? I learned nothing. A year older, none the wiser, more frustrated. But I love it. Good tv, good personalities, good concepts….GREAT show.

What's The Story Morning Glory?

2009-05-16T17:53:00.001-05:00

Everyone wants to write a book except no one knows what they want to write about. Finding the story is the biggest challenge for any writer. Sure, the concept sounds really great in your head but translating the message onto paper is a completely different task. The reason I bring this up is because as a human being who seeks writing as a cathartic method of expression, I find it extremely difficult to strum up any interesting plot lines or ideas in the wake of the events that have recently unfolded in my life. Writer’s block is a state of mind not a condition. Right now I’m having a difficult time breaking away from that barrier. No one wants to read a depressing book unless you are well, depressed yourself and are having a “misery loves company” type of motive. I am naturally pretty in touch with my emotions. I don’t express them well and I can never describe the feeling quite accurately out loud, but when I write it out, there it is. Being a depressed citizen of the world and battling it for years I will say that it sometimes takes a really long time to realize the realm of sadness you are in. I learned that grieving is not necessarily depression. It is a situational depression that can only truly be overcome through time and self reflection. Those who are clinically depressed meaning that they have spun into a depression without a tragedy or life altering event occurring, tend to be very in touch with their emotions but may not express them well to others. Enter… Me. Wow it’s really weird to classify myself as “clinically depressed.” It sounds like I need to be put in a padded room or drugged for ages. The weird part of it all is that I try my hardest to look at the positives. I don’t sit around wallowing; I’m not that kind of a person. I’m more of a do-er than a watcher. So I can imagine that there are millions of people out there just like me who can’t even grasp their depression. The reality is that so many of us are used to living life this way that we don’t even realize how much better it could be if we simply come to terms with our state of mind.

My therapist, we’ll call her “Susan,” has been waiting for like three years to finally hear me say that I want help for depression. Hundreds of dollars pissed away at talking about my feelings to finally come to the conclusion that I am depressed and need help. That’s amazing. Obviously if it wasn’t for Susan I would be a very lost puppy. But because I have taken baby steps, okay not even baby steps, more like turtle steps, I now completely understand what has lead me to my conclusions. I’m not a head case. I don’t need to sit in a room and have people monitor my behaviors through a window. I am just very thankful that at 23 I have discovered the one thing about myself that I have worked my whole life to cover up…that I’m not happy.

Someone once told me that I have no filter and couldn’t believe that no one else has told me that before. In my eyes, there is a huge difference between not having filter and being shameless in saying that which makes them human…it’s called being honest with oneself. And unfortunately we spend so much time analyzing other people’s problems when we really need to be working on our own. The world is full of walking contradictions. I’m one of them, I’m just not afraid to express it anymore.

Great! I found my first idea for a story…”a character who thinks they have everyone else figured out but who is not really in touch with who they are.” Well, at least I know I wouldn’t be talking about myself!

My name is Chelsea and I’m depressed.

But you know what is making me feel way better lately…Phoenix, this band from France who are amazing. Click here to check out their song “1901″ which will not leave my head – and I love it!

Verbal Diarrhea

2009-02-28T10:09:00.003-06:00

In these times of which we are trying to make the best of a pretty horrid economic situation, it has become rather difficult to put aside the fear and anxiety. Economic crisis' really knows how to break the human spirit. Some are getting laid off left and right, some are no longer able to afford the life they have comfortably led anymore and now have to take a job driving for FedEx or making coffee at Starbucks, and some can't find any sort of a job because many companies have undergone a hiring freeze. It's all really depressing. So when someone like me, someone who has never had financial woes, snatches up a really fun job in which I can learn, be creative, and somehow make a decent living for myself, I can't get very publically excited about it. And as an emotionally obvious person, I'm actually fine with that.

Leaving finances aside - because people always love to bring that up during the pity party, I've been dealty a pretty awful hand of cards lately. But the one thing that is really giving me motivation and, dare I say, "joy," is this new job. This is such a sad thing to say but I don't get what I need from people anymore. And I'm pretty sure, and have even been told in subtle ways, that I'm not helping the cause either. Other than my family, the rest kind of falls by the wayside for me right now. When tragic things happen, the life we knew and the way we envision the world changes. A man tells me everything I have ever wanted to hear him say and I feel absolutely nothing. The Newsweek magazines keep coming in the mail but I just toss them aside and no longer find politics or world affairs - something I've always been interested in - interesting. I'm no longer excited and thrilled to hang out with my friends anymore. I don't get pumped to go out on weekends, I have to force myself. And then when I do go out I just desperately want to be at home in my bed. I know that people are constantly walking on eggshells around me. I'm walking on eggshells around me. I don't know if one mood is going to linger on for an hour much less a day. But that's where I am right now. I have this feeling that I will probably lose some friends over the next year or so. I just don't think anyone has the desire or need to hear my sarcasm and commentary about anything right now because it's bitter and chastising. And if that makes me an inconsiderate bitch, then fine.

I consider myself a blunt person. I am. If you ask me my opinion or need to know something, I will tell you. That does not change in regards to friends or family. Over time I have "bloomed" into this very frank human being. I look at the world as a pretty funny place. The ridiculous things people do and say, the ironic twist of events in something initially intended to be a simple situation, a cliche ends unexpectedly - I think it's all very humorous.

So when my friends come at me for saying stupid shit and being opinionated, I can't really bring myself to argue but I also can't really bring myself to CARE. I don't want to change who I am. If you don't want to have a friend like me, then don't. But don't make the eggshells we are already walking on a more awkward situation. The sad thing is, and I'm still trying to figure out if this is actually sad or not, but if I lose friends this year I don't know how sad I will be. I lost the most important person to me FOREVER. I cannot get that back. My brother and I were complete opposites, but somehow we understood and respected each other for all of our humanistic qualities. I don't have that with anyone else.

I'm not trying to isolate myself, but I am trying to find some sort of dignity from within me to still be me and grieve at the same time. It's fucking hard. No one understands how difficult it is to genuniely give a shit. I understand that the world will turn whether or not I am ready for it too, but my world is at a standstill. So if you want to stay and deal then that makes me happy, and if you don't then stop pretending like you do.

This Is A Test...

2009-02-01T10:32:00.006-06:00

There's this girl I know. I'll call her Lizzy. As a woman Lizzy understands the rarity of true love. She knows we do not live in a time where romance is of a first and foremost priority. She believes that most of us are simply lucky to experience love in it's fullest extent. She has this belief because she has never been in love. It is a foreign thing for her to feel the highest of highs because she is so unashamedly obsessed with someone or to feel magnetically drawn to a man and have him unable to take his hands off of her or leave her side.

She knows what it's like to have lust. She knows what it's like to feel infatuation. She knows what it's like to draw up this idea of perfect love in her mind. And she has always gotten so close but something has always pushed her away. Okay, I guess I should rephrase and say that something has always made her run for the hills. And the truth is that she is terrified. What if she gives all of herself to someone and is left in the dust? She's always been the girl who can make a man want her. But she's never been the girl who can make a man want to be with her. And I know the reason for this. The minute it gets uncomfortable or feels vulnerable, she freaks out. The reason I wonder about Lizzy's situation is because I always seem to miss the "love boat." I can relate to her. I know that we only get one shot at this life, but it seems that the simplest things that make life worthwhile, are always the hardest to capture and hold on to. I've been all over the world, have met tons of men, some were more significant to my emotions than others, but I've never loved any of them. And I always have wondered why because it seems like such a simple feeling to have.

And as the story goes, when it rains it fucking pours. My brother dies, I lose my best guy friend (well actually he abandoned me during the worst time in my life), and I continue to be dumbfounded by the actions of another man who initially sent the snowball rolling down the preverbial mountain. All in one day. And I look at myself in the mirror and I can't put my finger on it. I really can't. Now more than ever would it just be nice to have a connection with someone from the male species and all of the ones who have made attempts live in other countries or states. THEN, a man who I had been seeing and has been pursuing me ends up being married with a kid and one on the way. It's like God just woke up one day and said, "Okay Chelsea, I made you strong. So Peter, Paul, Jesus and I are taking bets to see how many shitty things we can put you through in attempt to see how long it takes to break you. I'll go first."

It's too much. I'm broken. You win, God!

When Alex died parts of me died with him. The trust, the affection, the acceptance, the support, the protection. Those were all special characteristics of Alex and my relationship. I only trusted to him to listen and not judge. I always hugged him the tightest. He loved that I'm a little crazy, opinionated, patronizing towards him, and that I find humor in the serious and I loved that he could care less about how people felt about who he was. I would tell him how I felt and he would tell me it's gonna be fine. And when I rarely sought him out and let him fight battles for me he would take on the role and not look back. And now that he's gone, nothing shocks me anymore. It's like oh, another guy wants to cheat on his wife with me, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to tell him no. None of it makes sense right now.

If everything is suppossed to be a test, why don't they make it multiple choice? Why don't they give us all of the options including the right answer? Why not just a little hint? I know that there are people out there who have it 20,000 times worse than me and make the most of their life regardless of their situation. Maybe it's just what we're used to. Some poor child in Ethiopia is used to eating two servings of rice per day and feels full after one. Some gypsy in Romania grew up begging and coniving so he doesn't view it negatively, his motivation is survival. And then there's me, who just wants love and is apparantly having to walk through fire to get it. All I can hope for is that it's not for nothing.

Sense of the Sorrow

2009-01-19T11:17:00.004-06:00

Some would say what happened to us was the greatest human loss.

Some would say we won't ever come back from this.

Some would say it's too soon to keep going.

Most people can't really say anything.

Most people keep death in the back of their minds, not in their everyday thoughts and fears.

We hear stories of other people in far away places experiencing tragedies and we feel sorry for "them."

We don't expect to become "them."

We don't have children to watch them die.

Parents worry, they toil, they push, they observe and they love their children.

But with each child there comes a time when love is not enough to save them from themselves.

As a child myself of two very loving parents, I still look to them for help and solace.

I still ask them what they think of my decisions. I'm going to make the decision anyway, but without the comfort in my mother's voice or the strength in my father's gesture it really doesn't matter what I decide because having them a part of it matters.

So how does one come back from tragedy?
What do we do to make sense of life after death?

The more I think about, and with the days that go by I've come to the conclusion that we wait.
There's nothing more to do. The pain doesn't end, the confusion doesn't settle, the anger doesn't subside. But if we wait, maybe one day, long after the dust settles, we will be at peace with this tragedy and more importantly, at peace with ourselves.

Life after death...

2008-12-23T17:33:00.004-06:00

There are certain moments in life that define who we are and dictate who we will become. These moments usually happen while we are making life plans and these moments bring our daily existence to a screeching halt. All in one second my life changed so profoundly that I could barely grasp it. On Sunday, December 15th I was flying home from L.A. I was on the last flight of two from Minneapolis to Chicago. There were about 15 people on the flight dressed in business suits waiting for the last passenger - me - to board the plane. My flight from LA got in late because of a delay so I had to sprint across the airport to a completely different terminal where I barely made my last flight. I was so pissed off because I couldn't get a hold of my brother, Alex, who was suppossed to be picking me up. I was trying to call him all day and both my parents said that they were having a hard time getting a hold of him as well. I got on the plane and noticed that the last 20 rows were empty but I still sat in my assigned seat. The only person I noticed upon entering the plane was this twentysomething, crazy-haired, five o'clock shadowed guy. The flight attendant came back and asked, "Do you want to move up to the front with the other passengers? I responded with, "No, I want to even out the weight." She laughed and then I laughed, but I think she knew I was enjoying the solitude. The flight was only 45 minutes long so I took my IPOD out of my bag, shut the light and stared out of the window at the bright lights. I wondered if the lights were visible from space. They seemed so remarkable only 7,000 feet above the earth. The flight went by quickly and before I knew it we had landed at Chicago O'Hare Airport. As I was exiting the plane, the crazy-haired guy whom I noticed before said hi to me. We started talking about the weather in L.A. and how devastating it is to come back to the freezing Chicago bliizzard. There were two things we had in common. The first one was that we both lived in London. He currently lives there and I lived there for 5 months this year. He is attending clown school. I found that hillarious and really interesting. He even had a red circle nose neclace that he wore around his neck. As we were walking to the baggage claim I discovered the second thing we had in common. He stuck out his hand in effort to shake mine and said "I'm Alex." I don't remember why but I felt like I'd known him my whole life. So I said "That's my brothers name! I never meet anyone named Alex. I'm Chelsea." He mentioned that he needed to find a pay phone to call his mother for a ride. I offered my cell phone because, well why not? As suspected, my bag didn't show up when I did so I put in a report with the nwa baggage agent who told me that I would be receiving my bag when it arrived in Chicago. Alex came in and gave me my phone back and I told him to have a nice holiday. He said the same to me. I finally got in touch with my dad who insisted on coming in to get me. I found that a little odd since he could simply pull up to the curb outside. But I didn't think twice. As he was walking in he looked as if he had been crying. When we got outside he said "mom and Joyce are in the car." Immediately I knew that something was wrong. It was 12:30 at night. He started to cry and I remember looking through the car wind-shield where I saw Joyce crying. That's when I knew. My brother was dead. Obviously it was more mortifying when actually happening. I don't remember doing anything other than screaming and crying. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. When I asked them how, they told me honestly and as best as they could. My mother found him and he was already at the coroner's office. Since that moment my life has not made any sense. The places I go and have gone to regularly, the people I know, the songs on the radio and the feeling of freedom has been replaced with indescribable sorrow, anger, fear, depression, lack of understanding, disorientation, perplexion, and grief. My brother was 20 years old and he was killed by a drug overdose - something so preventable, so emasculating. I still think he's gonna walk in the door, even after being alone in a room with his with his beautiful face that appeared as if he were sleeping and his cold, muscular body completely relaxed. Even after watching his casket slowly lowered into the ground. Even after visiting his grave 3 times this week. Even after tears and hugs and sleepless nights. Even after the prayers and the condolence calls and the rememberance and the investigating - I still think he's coming back because I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not a religious person, but I have to feel like he's in heaven. There would be no where else for him. I can't believe that you die and that's it because he had such soul. It was not until the third day after his death that I remembered meeting a guy named Alex 15 minutes before I found out my brother died. Life happens mysteriously, without warning or reason. But I know that there is life after death. Even if life seems unbearable and confusing as it does now, I do know that it goes on. It's only been 9 days since that moment, and I am still alive but I am a different person completely because I can't be the same person without him. He was the other half of me. I don't feel whole anymore. I just feel tired and uncertain of life ahead. Life does not make sense as it did before. But there is life after death.

Our Thanksgiving - awkward but worth it

2008-11-29T11:15:00.003-06:00

Each November 27th, American families gather together to celebrate the age old tradition of giving thanks. We live in selfish times, not necessarily brought upon by greed or ambition, but as a result of the economic downturn which has caused us hard-working Americans to put our care-free spirits on hold (for hopefully just a little while) to focus on providing for ourselves and our families. Truth be told, we have put our God-given rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness on the backburner. And it kind of sucks. But on Thanksgiving, a heartfelt reverence always seems to capture us as we drive or fly from all over the world to be with our loved ones.

We have much to be thankful for despite what the media portrays. Sometimes our economic and political woes make us forget our good fate. To be a citizen from the land of the free and the home of the brave, where people from all over the world have settled for over 3oo years in pursuit of a better, fulfilling and free life is a human right that 300 million people are granted with. Every American family celebrates Thanksgiving differently than the next one. Some Americans whose ancestors came from Italy turn their feast into cucina Roma serving eggplant parmagiana or a simple spaghetti dinner. Some Indian-Americans fill their houses with the sweet smell of curry while Scottish Americans substitute turkey for haggis or Greek-Americans replace mashed potatoes and gravy with moussaka. Despite our current global conditions, we maintain admiration for our heritage through sharing Thanksgiving together as the pilgrims and the Native American Indians once did.

This year, my mother found a terrific program through a local Church enabling us to share Thanksgiving with new Americans who are not yet familiar with our traditions. It has become our small family’s ritual to volunteer during the holidays. Since our party totals a whopping three people, additions to our feast are rare but make for interesting conversation. This year, an adoring family of four new Americans joined our holiday. Natives of Bhutan, which lies between China and India, they moved to Nepal where they spent the past 15 years. The father worked in a corn factory, the mother was the homemaker and the children attended school and enjoyed sports like soccer and volleyball. On paper they weren’t too far off from what I would consider an enjoyable life. However, when they walked into our home, they were immediately in awe of our simple Suburban townhome which most Americans would consider far from glamorous. It was difficult to tell whether they were scared, humbled or indifferent.

Since I am the traveled and open-minded Laliberte, I was obviously intrigued by them. I wanted to hear their stories. I wanted to learn something new. Unfortunately the language barrier made it quite difficult to communicate. Their quiet nature and generous demeanors prevented us from having the conversations we would normally enjoy having, so we refrained from taboo topics and focused on the awkward silence in our dining room. As the evening progressed, the elephant in the room slowly crept it’s was into view. For me to feel awkward around people is extremely rare.

I had to keep reminding myself that we are doing what us Jews call a mitzvah, a good deed. Despite the awkward silences and different eating habits, the whole point of the day was to volunteer our time and money so that a new American family could see what a Thanksgiving was really like. If they had been at another family’s house I’m sure it would have been a completely different experience. After our evening of unrealized interrogation on this poor family, they finally asked us a question. The son looked at my mother and asked “where is the father?” My mother didn’t know how to explain to him that she is no longer married to our father and that although we see him and love him, he lives at another house (let alone that my brother and I have a half-sister and are very close with her mother’s family). How was she to explain the dynamics of our American home? So she simply said, “He doesn’t live here.” The family snickered to one another, put away their smiles and seemed almost puzzled. It was in that moment I was reminded that America is a place where the norms are the differences. It’s a place where the ability to live life does not have to be as a result of religion or duty. It’s a place where anything is possible and any option is a human choice and right.

This experience is one I will never forget. I hope our refugee family discovered that like their family, we have a small clan but we are a kind family who loves one another. No matter where you live, what you do, or where you have been, the ability to love and give thanks is universal.
Happy Thanksgiving!

And the Fat Lady Sang the Most Glorious Song

2008-11-13T15:11:00.002-06:00

Post-Election Thoughts…

1) Propaganda Lives
During the coverage of election night I found myself switching from channel to channel. I couldn’t help myself. The contradictions between major stations were adamant and fully represented to the point of hilarity. Whether you regularly tune in to a specific station or flipped on the tube to simply seek any form of election coverage, the media contradictions and differences were clear and concise, but not objective as is the essence of journalism.

Media is and always will be a form of propaganda. Swaying the public is key; keeping the nation focused on pertinent issues should be the goal. However, when it comes to personal identification with a candidate’s policies and ideals the root of the decision-making process comes solely from reflection, empiricism and morality. We live in a conformist society. From atheists to anarchists, non-conformists are also swayed in their beliefs via media outlets, research and personal vendettas. No matter what the belief, we are a mentally and socially controlled country. This election only fueled that notion.

2) Boneheaded comments are bound to be made. So save yourself the humiliation and angst from friends and family by just shutting the hell up.

The morning after the election I (along with the others who were so generously added) received a very expected text message from a friend of mine. The text message read:

“Welcome to a ‘fairer and more just America,’ (aka the Soviet Union), where working hard will get you what is FAIR and not what you EARNED. So much for freedom.”

Upon reading this text, an outburst of laughter erupted from me throat. I was floored that someone would actually send out a mass text message with an excerpt of such stupidity and un-Americanism although it did include a bit of irony. Democrat or Republican, Christian or Agnostic, black, white, green, yellow, purple or pink, the last thing America needs is negativity.

We’ve voted, and we all know the outcome. Barack Obama or John McCain aside, the leader of the free world has a tall order to uphold. Some would say for the order to be the tallest we’ve ever encountered. Making stupid remarks that have not a speck of cohesion – i.e. that our freedoms will be taken away and that we will become a Communist country – are child-like and unwanted. No matter which candidate you voted for, the outcome is what it is. Barack Obama is our president-elect and will be the President of this country come January 20, 2009. Face the facts. Get over it. Get on board or leave!

3) There are some who will surprise you.

I have a very close friend who is uber-conservative. Her views are not a product of ignorance or hatred. Her views stem from heredity, experience and environment. There are many comments I have seen her make in the past regarding issues of race and culture that I find repugnant. I do respect her immensely because she is an incredible person all-around. We normally do steer clear of the political topics in conversation but during this election I felt that commenting was necessary. In my eyes, talking about it is far more important than avoiding the argument. To have beliefs requires you to at least understand viewpoints that oppose your own.

In this election, open-mindedness was absolutely crucial. This election is a matter of our families, our futures, our money, our health, our unity and our sanity – it’s not a time to sit back and allow decisions to be made for us.

Anyway, my election week ended on a positive note. This very close friend of mine and I went out for coffee and at the end of our conversation I asked her if she was upset about the election results. Her response was expected – “Well, I don’t really have a choice at this point.” And she’s right. I realized that I had a copy of The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama in my car. No, I did not plan that. I was actually about to read it again in the spirit of the outcome. So I excused myself from the table, grabbed the book from my car, came back and said “well if you don’t have a choice, would you like to educated yourself on what type of policies are about to be considered?” I didn’t tell her the context of the book. This book wasn’t really a mission statement or a glorified representation of policy. This book is exactly what its title suggests, a message of hope from a hopeful person.

If the election turned out the way you hoped as I did – yaaa hooo!!! We did it! Change prevails! Challenge yourself to take a look at the current administration’s mistakes. But, also realize that we are still here because of some of their decisions. Does the sun still shine? Can you still put gas in your vehicle? Can you still speak you mind and express yourself? Yes. Yes. Yes. In my world these things are possible, but there are thousands of less fortunate people who cannot say the same thing. That’s why I voted the way I did. We can all come together as a country and allow hard-working, HOPEFUL people to regain the successes dreamed of or lost.

If the election didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would I urge you to open your mind to new ideas. These ideas come from a positive place. These ideas come from a man who comes from simple beginnings and seeks the same things that all of us seek – happiness, love and naturally, freedom. Bipartisanship will be crucial and we need to work together to actually make Barack Obama's presidency a success. So let's look past the differences and look towards the future so that our children won't have to pick up the pieces that we're picking up for these morons in Washington. Amen.

Therapize Your Life

2008-10-23T12:35:00.003-05:00

Some of the babble that escapes my mouth starts with "my therapist says." I noticed it last night when I was talking to Erin. I started off a couple sentences with "well my therapist says that..." and then she laughed at me. I dont' think it's that funny but I can understand the humor in it. It's like a movie or t.v. show where they talk about their therapy experience and it doesn't seem realistic to bring up in normal conversation - but I do it anyway. So here's the backstory on therapy in my life.

I started seeing therapists when I was 9 years old. Most of my close friends know that. I have not a speck of shame in it and I think most of my friends should be very thankful for mental medical geniuses for getting to me before I was a lost cause. That sounds horrible but it's true. I don't even want to think about the person I would be today if it wasn't for childhood counseling. People who don't know me so well think that sounds absolutely ridiculous. And for good reason - why would a 9 year old go to therapy? It's a pretty relavent question. It's like a teenager getting a boob job. Her body is not yet fully developed so she could potentially grow a full cup size until she has reached her growth peak - let alone the fact that getting a boob job at 16 is absolutely insane in my mind and any parent who would purchase fake tits for their teenage daughter should not be a parent (unless the procedure was breast reduction surgery or for a medical condition).

The point is that a 9 year old's brain is still growing and developing. So I can understand why most people would find the situation absurd. But let me tell you, if it wasn't for my mother putting me in therapy when I was child I could potentially be beyond reparable. I have chemical imbalance on both sides of my family and for different reason. The chances of me having a disorder or serious problems is probably higher for me than for others. I have gone through many things in my 23 years that are a result of instances that have occurred when I was a child combined with my chemical makeup. In order to understand the origins of habits or character traits one needs to understand who they are and why they do the things they do.

There has never been a year in my life (since I was 9) where I haven't gone to therapy at least once. It is expensive (insurance definitely doesn't cover it ) and I understand why people don't have a therapist that they refer to on a regular basis - but for me, without having therapy I would be a completly different person, I wouldn't be so self-aware, and I wouldn't have the close relationships that I have. So I'm absolutely not embarrassed to say that I'm in therapy. I'm fucked up, but now I know why and I know what I need to do to have balance in my life.

There are things I know I can work on. I guess, we all can. For example, I know that sometimes I have trouble relaxing. I should probably be on anxiety medication, but there is something about being uptight sometimes that gives me sanity. I don't know how to exist in this world without simple unique characteristics that I live with everyday that to some people may seem maniacal. It makes me who I am. Another example of a problem I have is being a control freak. It's a fact that I have to at least have some control of every sitaution. I won't go into it, but this attribute has shaped many relationship I've had with men or lack their of. But I know that and until I find someone who is willing to be patient with me in order to be who I am while giving him the patience for him to be who he is to make our relationship work, I will just be a dater and a friend.

When I am rich and am able to afford to spend more things on other people, I am going to give my friends the gift of therapy. My children will all be in therapy too one day. Because I might get divorced a couple of times. I hope not, but ya know, life will do that to you - throw you under the bus. But at least I'll know how I can help myself to get through it and overcome it.
Thank you therapists across the world for doing what you do!!!

Old habits die hard...

2008-10-08T18:27:00.006-05:00

As a twentysomething living in the 21st century I don't think that I am alone in feeling that understanding our economy is quite the challenge. Today I sat through a meeting at work about how the economy is effecting the local and global marketplace. An abundance of terms were thrown at us that were not explained well (in my eyes). Okay, obviously the market is in the shitter right now. But there has got to be a way to explain exactly what is going on to people who didn't get their Bachelor's Degree in Finance or spent a huge chunk of their careers at the Chicago Board of Trade or on Wall Street.
From my understanding, lack of information is one of the major problems contributing to the bailout. Information is power, and apparantly what the public doesn't know can get them into deep financial dispair. I don't plan on purchasing a home withing the next two years (I may need to wait at least 10 years at this rate) but I now know that in order to do so I need to be heavily advised on terms like "credit freeze" and "short sale," etc.
I also think that it's important to understand the terms of the bailout passed last week and what we should expect, as the future leaders of this country, to do in order to change our spending habits so that this NEVER happens again. I do not want my children reaping what we have sewn. I want my children to be able to save the money they earn, understand how credit history effects getting a loan for college, how to balance a check book, and how to invest wisely. Even I still want to be able to get a loan for grad school! This will never happen unless we try to open our eyes as Generation Y. There are some people in this country that need to be educated as though they were a 5 year old, on how the economy and the global marketplace works. Taking econ in high school is one thing. Knowing the basics is important. But it seems like each year requires re-education about the current marketplace.
The world has become greedier and more ambitious with money or money-making. Generation Y is developing habits set by our current example-setters (our parents, our leaders, etc.). We are told from a young age to follow our dreams. At some point in time, our dreams became unfathomable monstrosities of evil. The things that matter the most to us are things that we don't need. America is an incredible country and an entreprenurial powerhouse. It was founded upon that basis. In 10 years time I hope to maintain that statement. But I fear that the one thing to keep us down is this continuous cycle of bad habits.

Mary Poppins Gets Around

2008-10-05T19:26:00.001-05:00

Gettin' under my skin...and into my organs

2008-10-03T19:38:00.005-05:00

It's been 11 whole days since I've added to my blog and let me tell ya, it's been quite a full 11 days. Other than only having 1 day off of work in a total of 13 days, I've been spending A LOT of time with my friends. I spent 5 months away from my girls, so spending time with them is crucial! I miss girl talk, confessions, bitch fests or just throwin' back a couple of beers and watching the Bears or the Cubbies. Speaking of the Cubbies, I'm not gonna lie I'm very dissappointed, but not too surprised at their performance thus far in the first round of the playoffs. I say "thus far" because I am trying to remain positive in lieu of Saturday's game. I'm a little nervous, but the Cubbies have pulled out of some tough spots before. They need to win three in a row. Chicago is a pretty tough town to impress and during these economically depressing times we all need something to give us some hope!

I'll tell ya who's not giving me much hope these days - Governer Sarah Palin. I mean, let's be honest, the woman can't have a normal conversation without saying something either politically incorrect or factually bananas. Speaking of saying stupid shit, I found a very interesting web page entitled Top 10 Dumbest Sarah Palin Quotes. As someone who is truly interested in and concerned with politics I find it extremely frightening that our next president may end up being a self proclaimed "hockey mom" or my personal favorite a "Joe six pack American." Who says that? So out of thes top 10 ridiculously orroneous quotes, I was repulsed by one imparticular. Ironically, it wasn't the most boneheaded thing she said, but it did baffle me. I consider myself religiously confused and as someone who uses the terms "Oh, my God" and "Jesus Christ" on a regular basis (in addition to sinning often and in other ways) you can tell that I'm not planning on having an easy breezy Judgement Day. This is what she said:

"Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan."

-Sarah Pailn, on the Iraq war, speaking to students at the Wasilla Assembly of God, June 2008

Okay so basically Governor Palin is saying that this whole war is God's will? Ummm, I don't know if I'm understanding this correctly or not. I'm not sure, but if there is a God (and I hope there is because heaven sounds nice), isn't he suppossed to bring upon peace, love and understanding? I'm pretty sure that the Pope would have a hard time convincing himself that the war in Iraq is God's will. I'm also pretty sure that the rest of the world - or, all of the people that I met when I was traveling - find the war repulsive and a waste of money and human lives. Oh, by the way, most of the people who expressed these opinions to me were people that worshipped at least one God. I thank God every time I pray that there are people in this world (yes, world - we often forget that there are many military forces from all regions of the world fighting) willing to die for the war on terrorism. I think that John McCain is an incredible politician, certainly a master of foreign affairs and a war hero that we all should respect and admire. However, when is enough gonna be enough? I thought that the war was initially to find the terrorists and nuclear weapons. Terrorism is an unsurmountable threat as we are all aware but here we are 8 years later, thousands of lives later with the biggest financial crisis since the great depression on our shoulders, and we are still spending millions upon millions of dollars towards this war and apparantly this is all God's will? Wake up lady, God is not floating around in that desert telling David Petraeus "keep it up, we're winning ."

I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks this, but Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric on CBS was horrifying to watch. How I felt watching that interview is how I would feel about watching an 80 year old woman strip - embarrassing, akward and then it just gets to the point where it's sad. All poor Katie Couric was attempting to do was to find out exactly where Governor Palin stands on pressing issues that America faces. I'm confident that as the Vice President of this country, there are quite a few crucial components you need to fully understand and expand on. She did not convince me in the slightest that she had a clue at all about foreign policy, climate change, avoiding future Wall Street meltdowns, or even simply understanding her own running mate's reforms on banking and economics.

I loooooooooooooove this quote...

"We all live in a climate, Katie, and it changes. If you read the Bible there are some serious climate changes going on during that busy six days. In Alaska we feel the effects of climate change everyday. It's getting warmer for polar bears, so they won't need such thick coats. I guess we all have to adapt."

I think she forgot that our climate crisis, like the war, was not God-created, but man created. Imagine that. And also, I think it was on the fifth and sixth days that actual living, breathing species were created. AFTER, the heavens and the earth. AFTER, the water separation. AFTER the dry ground. AFTER the sun, moon and stars. So I think the polar bears were all set at that point. I could go on but I almost threw up in my mouth again.

Even if you are a Palinite and adore her for her good looks, charm and annoying as hell accent I would hope that you could just admit that the interview with Katie Couric (or her entire defense of her right to become the next Vice President) was not her shining moment. I'll even get the ball rolling to say that she did great during the debate against Joe Biden. Now you try....

London Calling...

2008-09-23T22:35:00.011-05:00

My life has been more ''go with the flow'' lately than I'm used to. Moving home has been interesting. Living in London was an amazing experience. It's hard to explain what it was like because there were so many elements to it that made it everything it was and ultimately made me want to come home. London lifestyle is completely different than anywhere I have ever been. These are the top three things that I miss about London:

1) FASHION

Vivienne Westwood, Alexander McQueen, Stella McCartney. Three high fashion designers that I cannot afford. All English. I would dress up just to go to these boutiques and check out the stores. It's amazing to me that people today can actually afford a t-shirt for $300. I miss walking down Regent Street or High Street Kensington and seeing the crazy get-ups people would be wearing. My favorite London stores were Primark - where everything is ridiculously cheap, TopShop and my all time favorite - ALL SAINTS!! I loved walking through All Saints. The store is incredibly over-priced but is so fashion forward it's unbelievable. I also miss Europe H&M. It makes American H&M look like Abercrombie. The dress I'm wearing in the pic to the left is from H&M and I wear it all the time. It's so comfortable! And the accesories I got from Primark. I also love UK French Connection. They know how to dress women. I miss seeing gorgeous women wearing leggings or dark denim with knee high suede or riding boots. I miss high waist mini skirts and crazy vintage pattern dresses. I miss seeing men in fitted, tailored business suits. I miss the crazy hats and nail polish colors and unkept hair. I miss shopping at Portobello Market. I have come out of living in London with a definite sense of personal style which includes shopping and dressing for my body type. My motto is ''if it feels good then that's halfway to it looking good on.'' The other half meaning it actually looks good. Please don't apply that motto to all life situations. You might be terribly dissappointed.

2) THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD

Never in my life have I had the opportunity to meet people from literally everywhere in the world. It was great because I didn't meet any Americans! I mean that in the most positive way. Most Americans I met were clueless tourists who spent more time bitching than actually sight-seeing or enjoying themselves. Such a shame!

aussies.

Melanie and Sam are two of the coolest people I've ever met.

They are from Cambera (the capital city) and Brisbane in Australia. I can assure you that they do love Vegemite as much as the rumors suggest (as you can see from the pic of Mel and Lisa). Although America and Australia have similar cultures, I can assure you that Australians certainly value different things. Like water. Australia has a water drought which has resulted in a national dependency on bottled water. I've never seen in Australian not finish their water. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have water at my disposal and has definitely made me more resource-conscious. Also, there is this chain of bars in London called The Walkabout. It is an Australasisan bar that Australians, Kiwis and South Africans flock towards to in my opinion find comfort in their alocholism. I have never felt more violated or dirty in London except when I am at a Walkabout. Oh and I'm convinced that 98% of Australian men who surf are ridiculously gorgeous.

the french.

My flatmate Heloise is so French she doesn't even know it. She smokes, drinks, eats loads of carbs, dresses impecably and still looks like a gorgeous swan - as you can see from this picture. By the way, the rumors are totally true. The French are devout romantics. The speak le pasion. They love to love and they are very horny. They are also very smart but don't really like other cultures invading their turf. I've been to Paris and had an awesome experience with French people although I have heard to the contrary. I guess it just depends on the person. They are very protective of their history and culture which makes them more refined to me. And all of them are freaking gorgeous. That's all I have to say about the French.

the natives.

Although the natives (people from London) are few and far between, I found them to be either lovely and fun or completely ignorant and rude. Londoners are always on the go. Business is everything in London, so most of the people I knew were lawyers, investors, traders, ITs, marketers or producers. I only became close to a few people from London. They were all really great, fun and sweet people. London boys are all about having a good time. Get a few drinks going and they are good to go as you can see from this lovely picture of Jules and Sam.

They are a bit hard to read when in comes to the dating scene. I only really almost fell for one London boy, and he was quite the charmer, but he left for the Caribbean and I couldn't really bare to go back to London boys after that because the impression was so severe. So I jumped over to Latin men which is why I will not write about them. All I will say is that sensuality is in their blood and that they are very persistent (almost stalker-like). Anyways, back to the natives. The midlanders were awesome! By the end of my time in England I could tell a Birmingham accent from a Hull accent or a Newcastle accent from a Manchester accent. People from the country were just so sweet. They live so simply and cherish the simplicity of their lives.

There are thousands of people from all walks of life roaming around London. The French and the Aussies and the natives were the cultures I spent most of my time getting to know.

3) NIGHTLIFE

London has a unique energy to it. Here's the deal. It's not like America where bars are open until 2 or 3 am. The bars in London close at 11:30 on weekends and 10:30 on week nights. So you can imagine how frustrating it was for me when I was forced to go to clubs. I don't really like clubs. I tried to blend in, I tried to see the fun in it, but it just gave me a headache and a bad attitude from getting hit on by deviants. I don't really like house music or doing drugs or really crazy lighting. The normal thing to do is go to a house party or throw your own (as we often did at the Clapham house) and then head out to what I like to call dancebars. My favorite bar for this activity was People's Republic in Clapham Common (other than Zoo Bar in Leicester Square which I know is cheesy but really fun) where the bar would be open until 3 am like all of the clubs but it would play normal music and it felt like you were actually in a bar and not a rave. Yes, I kind of worked it all out for my advantage. Also, if you go out with a group that includes guys, they will buy drinks and will not even let you try to help out. They will track you all night to make sure each drink you get is not purchased by a woman or yourself. Oh how I miss the chivalry of English men. American boys can learn a thing or too. The other great thing about partying in the city where public transport is all that is available - people rarely drive or even have access to a car - is taking THE NIGHT BUS!!! The night bus saved me from spending 40 GPBs (that's $80) on cabs from one end of the city to the other. After you figure out the geography of the city and know which buses go where, it's so easy to get around after hours. You meet the most interesting people too. Yes, half of them are intoxicated but hey, so am I.

There are so many other things about London, but those were my top 3. I'm missed London a lot today. I had to share :)

A little bit of humor never killed anyone...

2008-09-19T16:49:00.001-05:00

Let's get physical....or not.

2008-09-19T15:52:00.003-05:00

Most people who know me are very aware that if any part of my day involves physical activity I will try to avoid it at all costs. Now, I completely respect and admire people who enjoy working out. I was inspired by one of my dearest friends, Lindsay (who like me expresses her experiences via blog), to comment on this phenomenon that has taken over the world called ''working out.'' Now first, let's break down the term.

According to dictionary.com, to work means ''exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil.'' Now, the first word that jumps out at me in this definiton is TOIL. In my brain, toil refers directly to pain and personal anguish. So right off the bat the verb to work is automatically associated with excessive negativity. Also, when we as humans look at the word work or associate ourselves with the word, there is an overwhelmingly negative feeling about it. Let's face it, no one likes to work. Most people wish that going to work was like a spa day everyday. Most people would rather be passionate about their work. Even the people who make 6 figures a year don't necessarily love their job, but when they are making enough money to fly to St. Lucia for a weekend getaway (disclaimer: this is unrealistic, especially with our current economic situation) then I don't think working overtime really requires an ''i hate my job, i hate my life'' bitch fest with your therapist. So unless me working out is going to get me a private jet to Bali with P. Diddy and then I get to makeout (the PG version of what I would really do) with Adam Levine from Maroon 5 (he's my dream man), it sounds like a ''NO GO'' to me.

Now the word out can mean a variety of things. According to dictionary.com, the term out when used as an adverb means ''away from, or not in, the normal or usual place, position.'' In my life, the usual/normal places I exist include my bed, my car, my desk at work, the same spot I take up at Caribou Coffee (they have free wi-fi, how could i not spend most of my downtime there?), sometimes at Melissa's house, the movie theater, my sisters' house or a nearby local establishment/bar. I don't think a gym or even a basement with a personal gym falls in the category of ''places I normally exist in.'' So automatically, it's out of my comfort zone. To elab (that's an abbrievation for elaborate and I use this term a lot), here's what happens when I go to the gym:

1) I walk in and am immediately bombarded by a sea of tabloid hot people (think multiple Paris Hilton and Matthew McConaughey wannabe's). I'm not really too fond of narcicists, ya know the people at the gym who just check themselves out in the mirror the whole time. Now, I'm not saying that I don't think I'm good looking. I'm pretty self-aware and self-confident but I'm just not tabloid hot.
2) You step onto the machine of your choosing (mine is the bike so that I can sit down) and it is covered in sweat. Now there is a clear difference between sweat and a machine that has 'just been cleaned.'' Sweat is stickier. I know this because I am very hot-blooded and I sweat with the A.C. on full blast in an ice storm.
3) I HATE having akward run-ins with people I either went to high school with, don't like or dated. If I see parents of some of my friends, or my mom's friends that's cool. But when I walk in and immediately see someone I went on a bad date with I'm outta there. Also, I LOATH having fake conversations. ''You look really good'' and ''what have you been up to?'' and ''it's been sooooo long since I've seen you'' are too many words for me to spit out happily. Spare me the waste of energy.

To all of those people who ADORE the gym and love working out, congratualtions! Be proud and be hot and be healthy and feel good about yourself - I love it! That's terrific. Maybe one day I will work out too (i.e. when I have 3 children and no longer have a metabolism). So for now, I'm gonna stick to my 1 lap walks around Lake Arlington and (which is 1.5 miles, by the way, a big feat for me) and occassional visits to clubs on friday nights with my girlfriends - this requires me to stand around and/or dance if I so choose.

If anyone has any suggestions on types of working out I would like, please inform me. I just got back from Europe where I walked everywhere and actually enjoyed it. Now that I'm in a place where that isn't possible I'm getting back to my old loves - television, movies and laying, yes, laying, in general. Not the sex laying, just laying down and not moving. Also, eating. How could i forget about that?

Workoutaholics - I SALUTE YOU! Lipoarexics - got a room for a new member?

maybe some things aren't meant to be understood.

2008-09-17T20:13:00.008-05:00

So since I have been home from Europe, I have been living with my mom. I knew that coming back to Jode's house meant that I wouldn't have to pay rent, I would have a personal grocery shopper and a place to store my things. Well, as I suspected, those three perks have slowly decreased in the ''reasons why I love living at home'' category. No matter what I do, if I live in my mother's house I will have to deal with living in my mother's house. I don't know how people live with their parents all of their lives! I just lived on my own for 5 months and it was amazing! I had my own bathroom and could come and go whenever. I payed my own bills (by myself), shopped for myself, organized my time around the London transportation schedule (yes, by myself) and although it was not glamorous by any means it made me feel good to have those responsibilities and a place of my own. It made me feel good to say that I can do all of this by myself. So now that I'm back, I just want to get out of Jody's house. I also want to leave because I'll never fully have control over my own life. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But I don't really understand them.

For two people who are so different, they are so similarly stubborn about different things. I am a very stubborn person, too. My mother and I are the quintessential Taureans. We stand our ground once we're sure of our position on a specific issue. Sure, we’ll listen to you and take your advice, but in the end it’s our way or the highway. Control freak – that’s the term. I can’t really explain my dad because he’s a Gemini to a T. I feel like they don't take me seriously because they have always been there for me financially and can't really see me fending for myself 100%. I feel like to them I’m still 5-year-old Chelsea.

When I go to my dad’s house I won’t even walk into my room because it is a Twilight Zone experience, scary music and all. I’ll paint you a quick picture. It looks like Barbie and Skipper had a slumber party, got high on purple and pink markers and then vomited all over my room. My bright pink Girl Talk phone is still utilized and my old stuffed animals, Wizard of Oz collector’s edition plate and huge pink flower lamp are still the main sources of decoration and lighting. I went to my dad’s house this past weekend to check on the sump pump after the Hurricane Ike made its way across Northern Illinois. I sat down in his desk chair to make a phone call and I saw a picture frame of me, Alex and Haley from a Christmas card a few years back. I was probably 20, Alex was in high school and Haley was pre-double digits (so to her that was ages ago). It was such a cute picture but the trouble was that you couldn’t really see it when it’s being blocked by a photo of Alex and I when we were 3 and 7. That photo was stuck into the crevice of the frame. I had to laugh a bit because as usual I was finding symbolism and irony in everyday situations. This frame was the only picture on the desk and it was one of the very few pictures of me, Alex and Haley all together. But it was being blocked by memories from long ago with people in it who no longer exist. I am not who I was when I was 7. I’m not even who I was when I was 17. I didn’t know my parents before they were my parents so I can’t go back to the memories of their childhoods to treat them like children. But I think there comes a point when it’s okay to let go of the good memories. Nothing lasts forever. We are human beings, constantly changing and growing. It’s okay to hold on to the fondest of memories, but it’s not reality. I’m not saying that my dad is disappointing me for wanting to still see little Chelsea running around with a huge gap in her teeth and crimped blonde hair. But, she grew up and became a pistol.

Now my mother is not off the hook entirely. Sometimes I feel like she has planted cameras in areas of my life to constantly watch me – at work, in my car, in my bedroom. The woman is good. She always knows what’s going on. Maybe she just wants to feel like I need her to help me. But, I’ve never really been the needy type. Once in a while I will have a moment where I just want my mom to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be fine. I can imagine it being quite difficult to have me as a daughter. I don’t make things easy. I know I can be a bitch or be lazy, careless, unapproachable or condascending and rude to her. I hope that when I move out our relationship will get better. Is this a normal fear? I think it is. My mom has been my biggest supporter since I was 10 and to even think about her not being here makes me physically unable to breathe. But I am who I am now. She is who she is now. Maybe at 23, I can't be as close to my mother as I would like to be. I hope one day we can be close, but right now I just need to live my life and lead my life.

coming to terms with reality...

2008-09-15T10:45:00.007-05:00

Disclaimer: If you are offended, I'm maybe sorry.

I love watching movies that are so relatable to my life to the point that it saddens me. The reality of the movie tends to make me realize why and where I am fucking up. Yesterday I watched Reality Bites with my 15 year old sister, Danielle. I mean, I didn’t even figure out what it really meant so I have a hard time imagining her piecing the puzzle of life together. I am 23 years old, I am currently unemployed and I recently returned from Europe. I am also confused about my future career and honestly, I just want to chill. I mean, in the end, the movie ends great. Lelaina and Troy end up together, Vickie doesn’t have HIV, Sammy comes of the closet, and those are things that the average twenty something relates to. But we’re all searching for a different meaning – not a Hollywood ending. We work so hard as young adults. For years we’re encouraged by our parents, teachers, coaches and mentors with words of wisdom such as ‘’you have to get an education’’ or ‘’you have to get a job.’’ Let me tell you something about what I learned from ''my education.'' College is one of those experiences everyone needs to have. Not just for learning purposes. You learn so much about friendship and the opposite sex and responsibilities. The main tools that I have taken from my personal intercollegiate experience include the following:
1) When you bong a beer you need to relax your throat.
2) Don’t talk shit about people because it will come right back around and bite you in the ass.
3) If it feels wrong, it probably is.
4) You are not going to get an orgasm from having sex with a guy one time (and if you do congrata-fucking-lations for being the lovely 1.5% of the female population with that gift).
5) Shame is a commodity.
6) Blacking out will only get your bare ass on the internet. Or may result in a similar embarrassing episode involving nudity, sex or drugs.

I majored in public relations and in all honesty I took the easy road. I just wanted to party and meet dudes and hang out with my friends and not give two shits about this endless highway of confusion called ‘’the real world.’’ I wanted to wake up each morning and know that my day was gonna be easy breezy. Sure, once I left Party University after two years and headed back home to continue my degree at Roosevelt, I finally focused on my education. The good news was that I no longer had to take tests AKA the devil. That brings me to my RANT OF THE DAY...

How can tests unconditionally define your intelligence level?

I don’t really like being asked questions about things I’ve learned from a text book or a teacher. I especially don’t like being asked questions involving multiple choices. It just confuses everything and in my opinion, that is why so many students flunk out. Let’s confuse the students, brilliant plan! Then the alumni pitches a shit fit because GPA's go down. In ‘’the real world’’ and let’s take an investment firm for example, a sample dilemma will not include 4 potential answers. Usually it involves one answer….MAKE THE CLIENT MONEY VIA INVESTING IN LUCRATIVE AREAS OF THE MARKETPLACE. It’s so simple, but that’s the education system fucking with your head. If their gonna give multiple choice or Scantron exams they should first ask the question, allow the student to think about their initial response based on analysis of thus learned information and common sense and then bust out the optional answers one at a time. Or we should just abolish tests and stick to lab work or essays or even case studies. This all relates to my life because I guess I am just a little stressed because I have to take the Graduate Record Examination (G.R.E.) so that I can get into grad school. I checked one out online and it looked extremely scary. So I have to take a Kaplan course (MAYBE), study from a book (NO!), or just wing it (TRUE CHELSEA STYLE).

I still have yet to determine what exactly I want to go to grad school for. Honestly - and I know this sounds very arrogant –I just want to make it to my PHD so I can be Dr. Chelsea. That would be pretty sweet. But for real, I love English and history so much. I get excited to read about historical artists and politicians and heroes. Right now I am going through a major mid 16th century pre-Elizabethan phase. Now, I know that most people do not know what the hell that is. So I'll try to explain it as best I can. There was this guy called King Henry VIII - RING A BELL, ANYONE? - and his reign, string of wives, deceit, all-around arrogance and childishness led us to what would be known as one of the most disgustingly wasteful experiences in UK history. I mean, this man forced Katherine of Aragon into exile (a nunnery) for absolutely NOTHING, fathered multiple illigimate children while he was married, beheaded Anne Boleyn accusing her of incest and adultery and claiming to love God and honor the commandments but completely and hypocritically trashing the Catholic church. Ergo, and yes I said ergo, thus creating the Church of England and all he really ever became was a pushy, fat, unattractive, smelly cretin who bitched and moaned through his entire blessed life. It’s despicable. The onmly thing he should truly be proud of was fathering maybe the greatest and definitely the most well known Queens of all time, Elizabeth. After reading numerous accounts by historians and watching adaptations of his life –The Other Boleyn Girl (which sucked ass and insulted Philipa Gregory’s incredibly well-developed and decadent novel) and Showtime’s The Tudors (which also completely sucked but portrayed King Henry VIII to a T) – I am convinced that this man was countlessly excused of murdering thousands of people and setting women back ten-fold in our rise to become equals. It’s embarrassing, really. But without King Henry VIII we would not have examples of ''what not to do when running a country.'' Clearly, President Bush did not get that memo or do his summer reading before his first term in office with the book ''why not to run a country with the sole purpose of chasing your father's failures.'' Okay, well if there was a book with this title hopefully Bush will realize that he has joined the ranks of political idiots like King Henry VIII, Hitler, Mussolini, Robert Mugabe, etc. and write the damn book.