...

You and me, how it used to me
holding hands as we crossed the street
nothing to say, no need for that
your presence was enough for me

skipping through the fields at night
dancing around in the moonlight
feeling part of something bigger than this

i cant explain the crutch
words are not enough
i cant dream it again
my soul is on the mend
step by step i stride
feeling lost inside
you left before i had a chance to say goodbye

Pointless But Interesting...

What brand were the last pair of jeans you wore?
I'm really not a fan of jeans, believe it or not. I never have been. I only wear them if I absolutely have to - i.e. to a concert, sporting event, or with a cute top when I'm out on a Friday night or somethin'. That's why I buy dresses and leggings and black pants and black capris. I do own a pair of jeans...actually a few, they are from Gap. But recently my mom pointed out that they are not flattering haha. Soooo I'm back to comfort pants only.

Where did you spend time yesterday?​​​​
Work. For about 9 hours. I wish I didn't have to work...but then again, don't we all :)

Will tomorrow be a busy day for you?
Most likely, but luckily I'm spending my evening with my best girls playing games and eating and laughing and being together!

What song is currently.. playing?
Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band...who I am seeing live on Saturday night! Yayyy!!

Do you use all ten finge​rs to type?
Nope. I don't use my pinkies. Just discovered that the other day actually!

Name something rando​m in your room that you probably shouldn't find in there?
My mom's wedding dress. Which is now yellow from lack of care over the years, but none the less it gives me a hearty laugh when I look over at it and think that I will probably be wearing a portion of that dress one day. And I also laugh because my parents were actually married to each other.

​Who was the last frien​d that liste​ned to you vent?
Tina, my love!
I just got off the phone with her. It wasn't really venting, it was sadness because I miss my brother, but she was being the amazing Teenie that I know AND LOVE :)

Is love real?
YES. Very real, to me :) I've loved and lost and loved again and lost again and will probably continue that cycle, because Im all about the love!

What did you do today?
Worked all day where I was a major dissappointment :(
Hung out with my mom for a bit after work
Went to have a little sesh with my therapist, God love her!
Drove home
Talked to Tina
Talked to Becky
Now I'm blogging

Do you hαve any pictu​res in your room if so what of?
Tons! I have collages that my little sisters have made for me. I have a collage of Alex that Nikki made for me. Pictures of my brother and I. And I have paintings here and there.

Hones​tly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yes. But that's not possible.

Hones​tly, where would you rather be right now?
Across the pond in a little country called England :)

Hones​tly, does being with your friends make you happy?
Absolutely! It's nice to have true friends in my life who are willing to go through the good, the bad, the ugly, the amazing, and just the whole journey. And it's also nice to have people to be myself around who appreciate all of the little elements of who I am!

Do you hαve a TV in your room?
Yes...but I don't really watch it that much, more into reading and sleeping these days.

Would you rather have long or short hair?
I looooooooove my long hair.

Do you think girls that shop at holli​ster are snobb​y bitch​es?
Not really...people have different styles and that's cool.

Are you wearin make-​​​up?
Nope. No need at this hour.

In the past 12 hours who have you talked to the most?
My mom...she's my rock!

What are you think​ing about right now?
I'm thinking about how much I love Becky and how proud of her I am :)

Who did you last text?
Jessica Lazzaretto Arzer!

Who did you last talk to on the phone?​​
Becks

How do you feel right now?
Tired, nervous to go to work tomorrow because I'm a horrible excuse for an employee apparantly, but also excited because tomorrow night is game night at Jess'! Waaa hoooo!!

Last December, where were you in life?
The worst place I have ever been or ever will be. Wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Do you miss your past?
I miss being 12 and not knowing the hard stuff about life. I have become a new person in 7 months so I absolutely miss feeling whole, feeling lucky to have all of my family happy and healthy. I don't yet know what it is like to truly live a substantial amount of time without my brother, who in essence is the other half of me. And if I could back and save him, I would in a heartbeat.

Last thing you drank?​​
Coffee....it's my life

Are you stressed?
Fo sho. I manage it well and try not to let it make me all bent out of shape but it's unavoidable for all of us I think.
​​
Want to say anyth​ing?
I'm saying a whole lot right now. I am really excited to move to LA! I'm super stoked for the upcoming months of fun and vacations and friends and family! And...life is short and out of our control so take it day by day. Don't sweat the small stuff. Appreciate those you love.

Was yesterday better than today​?
Everyday is different. I don't remember, but I can't imagine it being much different.

When is the last time you saw your mom?
Like 4 hours ago

Do you have someone of the oppos​ite sex you can tell everything​ to?
Tough question to answer. I recently severed a friendship with my best guy friend. He was not there for me AT ALL during the loss of my brother. Hasn't checked up on me at all since the funeral/condolence call. I miss being able to talk to him about everything. I miss going to concerts. I miss kicking back to have a few beers. I miss Sunday night Entourage sessions. I miss the teasing. I miss the connection we had. But in the end, the truest tests of friendship occur through hardship and life changes. He failed the test miserably. So I move along...

Who pissee​d you off yeste​rday?
No one, really.

What do you curre​ntly hear right now?
My fan buzzing around and the immaculate music of Third Eye Blind :)

Do you get distr​acted​ easil​y?
Nope. I'm a pretty focused person when I want to be.

What is the last thing you did befor​e you went to bed last night​?
Peed

If you could push one perso​n off of a mountain who would it be?
Everybody loves somebody, so even though there are a few people I pray for, Iwould never do that to their families :)

When was the last time you had fun?
Last weekend when I was out in Chi City with my cousin!

Who was the first person that you talked to today?
Mi madre

Have you ever gotten in a fight with someone,​ and never made up?
Ha...ummm yea, some people aren't worth a moment of my time.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
Yes! Nikki, Natalie, and Kristy...love my besties!

Who was the last person you cooked for?
That's hillarious.

Do you miss the way thing​s used to be?
Like what? Like the way Mariah Carey was before Glitter? I only know 1985 until now, so I'd probably bring back Saved By The Bell and Michael Jackson circa "Wanna Be Startin Somethin'"
\Where is the next place you will travel to?
Alpine on Saturday!

What is something you curre​ntly want?
Happiness...and a nice man in my life would be nice :) For reals. I'm deprived lol

Would you pass a drug test?
Hell yea...don't even make me explain why!

She's Got Me Like Nobody...

I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas please...

Oh the lyrics of Lady Gaga, so poignant and yet so ironic at the same time. I actually find Lady Gaga to be extremely fascinating. She does a really incredible job of grabbing people's attention. She's kind of my girl crush. Her and Zooey Deschanel. I like them both for different reasons. Lady Gaga has that mysterious, shocking originality. The downside is that it's very clear she is trying to be/look different to the point that it's hard for anyone to relate to her. I still find it tough after almost a year since "The Fame" hooked us all. That's why I have Zooey Deschanel to kind of center it for me.

I'm crazy about them both but Zooey kind of balances it out. She's not trying too hard, it's clear she sings her own tune but does it in a way where it is not borderline scary. I like that. Anyways, I had a point.

I was listening to "Pokerface" today on my way home from work and it was the first time I really thought about the lyrical content of the song. Which is totally not like me because I'm all about hidden meanings and irony and symbolism so normally I would have had this song figured out right out the gate but it's not one of those songs you would think would have this deep meaning. Because it doesn't. It's basically taking the double standards of society and giving it the finger. Which I love, don't get me wrong, but I just don't relate to anything she is singing about. I'm not the "play with men's minds and take the money and run" kinda chick. It's funny to watch her give interviews. She sits down and talks to these reporters about nonsense. It almost seems scripted to me. She is my age and talks about having random and meaningless sex with people all over the world and that she sees everything as an art. As an artist in my own ways, I KNOW that everything is not art related. If Hitler and Sadaam and war is an art then I'm done. She plays off the whole "feminity" thing but kind of sucks at it because she admits she sleeps around. It just doesn't make sense to me. I think we all know now that you don't gain respect or admiration by being a whore. I wouldn't be surprised if Gloria Steinem dropped her t.v. out of a window after witnessing half the crap that is considered "interesting." I know I'm right...look at Britney Spears.

Anyways, I keep losing my point of this whole posting. Oh yea, so I'm like the queen of the "Pokerface." I think we all have the ability to put on our Pokerface when the time is right. Clearly I'm not going to give mine away, but if you're lucky enough you will get to experience it ;) So all I will say is that love games are stupid and a waste of time and it's sometimes just easier to be honest...for everyone. I feel like that we live in a society where we all have to have a "don't let them know" type of attitude. I don't like that. I like being real. It's more fun. Oh, I started making a list of things I like and dislike. Yes, seriously...

Likes:

- Watching awkward encounters play out

- Observing body language

- Cream cheese

- Waiting until the end of the day to check Facebook (soooo sad, I know!) - so I can have a hearty laugh at my friend's commentary :)

- Mos Def, Common (saw him in concert with my mom and brother last year and still refer to it as one of the hottest things I've ever seen) and Idris Elba (man, oh man is he hot)- I'm kinda into them. Oh and Gerard Butler (I had to throw a white guy in there - 300, all I have to say). Okay so now you know I'm sex deprived.

- McDonald's coffee

- Falling asleep with the fan on...even though my basement is freezing already. and even in the dead of winter.

Dislikes:

- People who have no listening ability

- Sexual deviants (obviously)

- the mini-golf guys who play in the hallway at my office (they actually ask me to stop walking in the middle of the hallway so they can finish their hole. as if the hallway isn't big enough for us all to move around in!)

- People who think their issues trump other people's issues

- Drivers who don't use their signals but instead would rather cut you off. I don't get it. So rude!

- America haters

- Paris Hilton...yep, I still can't find anything I like about her

So that's it...all in all, I don't really know where I was going with any of this...

til tomorrow xoxo

Chels :)

Choices

So I finally decided to sit down and get the creative juices flowing again. It's not a walk in the park, people. It's super hard. Finding the inspiration and motivation to write is like finding a needle in a haystack right now. I partially blame my job. From 8:30 am until 6:00 pm Monday through Friday, my creativity is sucked from my loins. I guess that is just the result of working in marketing. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but it's not fun to come home physically exhausted from having a 9 hour brain workout. Why am I such a complainer? Okay, I'm stopping now. I promise :)

So I read this book everyday called "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. My amazing cousin, Michelle AKA Steiney, bought it for my mom right after Alex died, but I stole it because I didn't really want to read a whole grief book. So instead I read a daily message and it gives me something relatable to think about throughout the day. I usually read one on my way to work. It works out great because there is one for each day of the year. It relaxes me and brings me back to reality, forcing me to deal with the process I am still going through.

I really loved today's entry which started off with this quote:

"Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver." - Sophocles

The excerpt was about decision making and how even the simplest of choices can seem impossible to make. My usual system of "choice making" is altered because of the grief completely effecting my life.

I have begun to realize that feeling grounded is such a blessing. It's hard to be so wishy washy, but that's the constant state of flux that exists during a time of grief. Tonight I had dinner with two of my closest friends who happen to be twin sisters, Jessica and Becky. They are both very different but have a very close bond. They have been there for me so much over the past 7 months. Last year Jessica had twin daughters, Kylie and Gianna - those cuties in the picture! You want to talk about a life-changing experience? She has changed her life with so much grace and integrity in no time at all. It's so awesome to watch her with her daughters because it was not too long ago that we were galavanting around Chicago getting hammered silly and making really bad decisions. So it's interesting to recognize the choice that she has made and the person that she has become in just a short year. The respect I have for her is insurmountable. To see her with her daughters is so endearing. They are beautiful little girls and every time I am with them I feel more and more connected to being a mom and having a family of my own one day. I bring this up because whether the change has been death or life, it's still challenging and life-changing.

Now Becky has a different situation. God, I love my Big Bad Becks! Becky is the sweetest person you will ever know and I respect her so much. She has lived in Libertyville her entire life, loves her family and friends, and would be perfectly fine in her state and place for her entire life. Tonight at dinner we were talking about Los Angeles. If you are not yet aware, I am moving there in February. Cannot wait! I mentioned this to Becky because I know that she has always wanted to travel and live in another city, but the thought of it is pretty scary to her because she would be out of her element and it would be difficult to leave her friends and family. So I have mentioned the idea of moving to LA with me a few times and her face lights up with excitement and interest every time! But tonight I saw a different face then I am used to. I finally saw a small twinkle signifying that a decision is being made. And that decision is to move to LA! I am constantly reminding myself that I am a little bananas. I do things like pick up and fly somewhere or move to a completely different country haha. Most of my friends don't need to do that. So I completely understand Becky's hesitations. But I think I've sold her! Maybe. Only time will tell. I just love her so much and would love for her to have an experience unlike anything she has ever had. But again, this is another DECISION that is hard to make. To pick up and leave everything you know and love, it's hard to do. Well clearly not for me, but for some people it is. I've always been a free spirit. The unknown is a frightening situation for most people. I personally find it mesmerizing. But then again I'm a weirdo!

Anyways, the moral of the story is that no matter what kind of choice needs to be made, there will always be cause for concern but the way I look at it is, if you try it atleast you will never regret not trying it. Life is too short to wonder. Because my brother made a poor choice that fateful evening on the 15th of December, it cost him his life. I am not going to hold myself back from living life to the fullest. It's what he would have wanted and I am always going to honor that. I feel like I am living life for two people now, Alex and myself, so that at least when I see him again, because I have a feeling I will, I can show him that his memory never left my heart.

Question of the Day

If Michael Jackson is so obsessed with being "private" then why is it that he retorts to dressing like an alien cowboy at a country club as a "disguise?" We know its you Michael! But do you know it's you? It wouldn't be anyone else because no human being with their screws tightened would wear something like that anywhere. Even on Halloween. Am I alone here?

My Top Movie Quotes

"Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior."
-Empire Records
**This quote rocks because it's just true. Plain and simple.

"Winning without dignity or grace is not winning."
-Stepmom
**In my day (all 24 years of it), people have pulled some viscious stunts trying to get ahead. I don't roll like that. I'd rather "win" and be miserable than "win" with deceit and cruelty. I know a lot of people who prefer to come out on top no matter how it happens than lose. I just never saw the point.

"You can't always trust the people you want to"
-10 Things I Hate About You
**How true is that!

"Every man dies, but not every man really lives."
-Braveheart
**This quote is the reason why I do crazy things. I don't mean "padded room" crazy, I mean taking risks. I believe it's true. We only get one shot so I think we should make it worth it.

"Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke"
-Broken Arrow
**Alright, that's a true statement! People need to lighten up and/or remove the stick from their ass.

"Nothing has turned out as we expected. It never does. Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is."
-Gone With The Wind
**No explanation needed

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris Buehler's Day Off
**Classic! I love this movie. I could watch it over and over again.

Matthew: I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it? Aldous Snow: I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.
-Forgetting Sarah Marshall
**So hillarious!

"Here's looking at you, kid."
-Casablanca
**Humphrey Bogart (Rick), while not profoundly attractive to me in any way, won me over just by saying that.

“So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” Well it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. ‘cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much."
-Clueless
**It's not hard to see why the movie was titled what it was.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke."
-As Good As It Gets

To keep me entertained there always needs to be an element of surprise involved. If I am going to take time out of my day to sit in front of an electric box, I need to be stimulated. And this year, I’m like a comfortable chair that just had a vibrating mechanism installed in it. I can’t get enough of this schmootz. So bare with me as I reveal the top 10 shows that are revvin’ my engine this year! And number 10 is….

Millionaire Matchmaker

As a Jew living in a world full of Goy’s (the Yiddish term for followers of Christ) I find myself constantly trying to relate to naturally, my own kind. So who better than Patti Stanger to bring out the Jew in me. I think this show is absolutely hillarious. It’s a great concept. It’s like Fiddler on the Roof meets Wall Street. It’s ridiculous. These men crack me up! We’ve got emotionally retarded, socially inept babies who are good at one thing – making money and taking names. So instead of finding an aspect of life to step out of “business mode,” they relate everything they do to the old standard question, “what can I get out of this situation?” Instead of living for the simple things in life all these men know how to do is twist love into some sort of business deal. Newsflash – women don’t want to be treated like a transaction, there are no contracts involved, no gimmicks, all we want is to be cherished and adored and give it back in return. If you ask me, Patti has one of the hardest jobs in all of history. Making money by setting middle aged millionaires up with hot, young women has to be to tough, especially in La La Land. She spends so much time dueling with these guys about their issues, when it is unfortunately a waste of time. I have a fifty year old father who is so set in his ways that God could come down from heaven, sit in front of him and say ”I am the Messiah and it’s time to go to Temple” and he would call bullshit. So based on observing the only single, fifty year old, successful business owner that I love, I can imagine Patti’s frustration. But hey, she has a show on Bravo based off of her career as a 3rd generation matchmaker, so she’s doing something right. And in the end, and this is part that I love, she puts her hands together and asks her client, “does the penis go up or down?” If it all goes back to that tride and true ideal of men thinking with their little head instead of the big one. So what have I learned from Patti? I learned nothing. A year older, none the wiser, more frustrated. But I love it. Good tv, good personalities, good concepts….GREAT show.

What's The Story Morning Glory?

Everyone wants to write a book except no one knows what they want to write about. Finding the story is the biggest challenge for any writer. Sure, the concept sounds really great in your head but translating the message onto paper is a completely different task. The reason I bring this up is because as a human being who seeks writing as a cathartic method of expression, I find it extremely difficult to strum up any interesting plot lines or ideas in the wake of the events that have recently unfolded in my life. Writer’s block is a state of mind not a condition. Right now I’m having a difficult time breaking away from that barrier. No one wants to read a depressing book unless you are well, depressed yourself and are having a “misery loves company” type of motive. I am naturally pretty in touch with my emotions. I don’t express them well and I can never describe the feeling quite accurately out loud, but when I write it out, there it is. Being a depressed citizen of the world and battling it for years I will say that it sometimes takes a really long time to realize the realm of sadness you are in. I learned that grieving is not necessarily depression. It is a situational depression that can only truly be overcome through time and self reflection. Those who are clinically depressed meaning that they have spun into a depression without a tragedy or life altering event occurring, tend to be very in touch with their emotions but may not express them well to others. Enter… Me. Wow it’s really weird to classify myself as “clinically depressed.” It sounds like I need to be put in a padded room or drugged for ages. The weird part of it all is that I try my hardest to look at the positives. I don’t sit around wallowing; I’m not that kind of a person. I’m more of a do-er than a watcher. So I can imagine that there are millions of people out there just like me who can’t even grasp their depression. The reality is that so many of us are used to living life this way that we don’t even realize how much better it could be if we simply come to terms with our state of mind.

My therapist, we’ll call her “Susan,” has been waiting for like three years to finally hear me say that I want help for depression. Hundreds of dollars pissed away at talking about my feelings to finally come to the conclusion that I am depressed and need help. That’s amazing. Obviously if it wasn’t for Susan I would be a very lost puppy. But because I have taken baby steps, okay not even baby steps, more like turtle steps, I now completely understand what has lead me to my conclusions. I’m not a head case. I don’t need to sit in a room and have people monitor my behaviors through a window. I am just very thankful that at 23 I have discovered the one thing about myself that I have worked my whole life to cover up…that I’m not happy.

Someone once told me that I have no filter and couldn’t believe that no one else has told me that before. In my eyes, there is a huge difference between not having filter and being shameless in saying that which makes them human…it’s called being honest with oneself. And unfortunately we spend so much time analyzing other people’s problems when we really need to be working on our own. The world is full of walking contradictions. I’m one of them, I’m just not afraid to express it anymore.

Great! I found my first idea for a story…”a character who thinks they have everyone else figured out but who is not really in touch with who they are.” Well, at least I know I wouldn’t be talking about myself!

My name is Chelsea and I’m depressed.

But you know what is making me feel way better lately…Phoenix, this band from France who are amazing. Click here to check out their song “1901″ which will not leave my head – and I love it!

Verbal Diarrhea

In these times of which we are trying to make the best of a pretty horrid economic situation, it has become rather difficult to put aside the fear and anxiety. Economic crisis' really knows how to break the human spirit. Some are getting laid off left and right, some are no longer able to afford the life they have comfortably led anymore and now have to take a job driving for FedEx or making coffee at Starbucks, and some can't find any sort of a job because many companies have undergone a hiring freeze. It's all really depressing. So when someone like me, someone who has never had financial woes, snatches up a really fun job in which I can learn, be creative, and somehow make a decent living for myself, I can't get very publically excited about it. And as an emotionally obvious person, I'm actually fine with that.

Leaving finances aside - because people always love to bring that up during the pity party, I've been dealty a pretty awful hand of cards lately. But the one thing that is really giving me motivation and, dare I say, "joy," is this new job. This is such a sad thing to say but I don't get what I need from people anymore. And I'm pretty sure, and have even been told in subtle ways, that I'm not helping the cause either. Other than my family, the rest kind of falls by the wayside for me right now. When tragic things happen, the life we knew and the way we envision the world changes. A man tells me everything I have ever wanted to hear him say and I feel absolutely nothing. The Newsweek magazines keep coming in the mail but I just toss them aside and no longer find politics or world affairs - something I've always been interested in - interesting. I'm no longer excited and thrilled to hang out with my friends anymore. I don't get pumped to go out on weekends, I have to force myself. And then when I do go out I just desperately want to be at home in my bed. I know that people are constantly walking on eggshells around me. I'm walking on eggshells around me. I don't know if one mood is going to linger on for an hour much less a day. But that's where I am right now. I have this feeling that I will probably lose some friends over the next year or so. I just don't think anyone has the desire or need to hear my sarcasm and commentary about anything right now because it's bitter and chastising. And if that makes me an inconsiderate bitch, then fine.

I consider myself a blunt person. I am. If you ask me my opinion or need to know something, I will tell you. That does not change in regards to friends or family. Over time I have "bloomed" into this very frank human being. I look at the world as a pretty funny place. The ridiculous things people do and say, the ironic twist of events in something initially intended to be a simple situation, a cliche ends unexpectedly - I think it's all very humorous.

So when my friends come at me for saying stupid shit and being opinionated, I can't really bring myself to argue but I also can't really bring myself to CARE. I don't want to change who I am. If you don't want to have a friend like me, then don't. But don't make the eggshells we are already walking on a more awkward situation. The sad thing is, and I'm still trying to figure out if this is actually sad or not, but if I lose friends this year I don't know how sad I will be. I lost the most important person to me FOREVER. I cannot get that back. My brother and I were complete opposites, but somehow we understood and respected each other for all of our humanistic qualities. I don't have that with anyone else.

I'm not trying to isolate myself, but I am trying to find some sort of dignity from within me to still be me and grieve at the same time. It's fucking hard. No one understands how difficult it is to genuniely give a shit. I understand that the world will turn whether or not I am ready for it too, but my world is at a standstill. So if you want to stay and deal then that makes me happy, and if you don't then stop pretending like you do.

This Is A Test...

There's this girl I know. I'll call her Lizzy. As a woman Lizzy understands the rarity of true love. She knows we do not live in a time where romance is of a first and foremost priority. She believes that most of us are simply lucky to experience love in it's fullest extent. She has this belief because she has never been in love. It is a foreign thing for her to feel the highest of highs because she is so unashamedly obsessed with someone or to feel magnetically drawn to a man and have him unable to take his hands off of her or leave her side.

She knows what it's like to have lust. She knows what it's like to feel infatuation. She knows what it's like to draw up this idea of perfect love in her mind. And she has always gotten so close but something has always pushed her away. Okay, I guess I should rephrase and say that something has always made her run for the hills. And the truth is that she is terrified. What if she gives all of herself to someone and is left in the dust? She's always been the girl who can make a man want her. But she's never been the girl who can make a man want to be with her. And I know the reason for this. The minute it gets uncomfortable or feels vulnerable, she freaks out. The reason I wonder about Lizzy's situation is because I always seem to miss the "love boat." I can relate to her. I know that we only get one shot at this life, but it seems that the simplest things that make life worthwhile, are always the hardest to capture and hold on to. I've been all over the world, have met tons of men, some were more significant to my emotions than others, but I've never loved any of them. And I always have wondered why because it seems like such a simple feeling to have.

And as the story goes, when it rains it fucking pours. My brother dies, I lose my best guy friend (well actually he abandoned me during the worst time in my life), and I continue to be dumbfounded by the actions of another man who initially sent the snowball rolling down the preverbial mountain. All in one day. And I look at myself in the mirror and I can't put my finger on it. I really can't. Now more than ever would it just be nice to have a connection with someone from the male species and all of the ones who have made attempts live in other countries or states. THEN, a man who I had been seeing and has been pursuing me ends up being married with a kid and one on the way. It's like God just woke up one day and said, "Okay Chelsea, I made you strong. So Peter, Paul, Jesus and I are taking bets to see how many shitty things we can put you through in attempt to see how long it takes to break you. I'll go first."

It's too much. I'm broken. You win, God!

When Alex died parts of me died with him. The trust, the affection, the acceptance, the support, the protection. Those were all special characteristics of Alex and my relationship. I only trusted to him to listen and not judge. I always hugged him the tightest. He loved that I'm a little crazy, opinionated, patronizing towards him, and that I find humor in the serious and I loved that he could care less about how people felt about who he was. I would tell him how I felt and he would tell me it's gonna be fine. And when I rarely sought him out and let him fight battles for me he would take on the role and not look back. And now that he's gone, nothing shocks me anymore. It's like oh, another guy wants to cheat on his wife with me, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to tell him no. None of it makes sense right now.

If everything is suppossed to be a test, why don't they make it multiple choice? Why don't they give us all of the options including the right answer? Why not just a little hint? I know that there are people out there who have it 20,000 times worse than me and make the most of their life regardless of their situation. Maybe it's just what we're used to. Some poor child in Ethiopia is used to eating two servings of rice per day and feels full after one. Some gypsy in Romania grew up begging and coniving so he doesn't view it negatively, his motivation is survival. And then there's me, who just wants love and is apparantly having to walk through fire to get it. All I can hope for is that it's not for nothing.

Sense of the Sorrow

Some would say what happened to us was the greatest human loss.

Some would say we won't ever come back from this.

Some would say it's too soon to keep going.

Most people can't really say anything.

Most people keep death in the back of their minds, not in their everyday thoughts and fears.

We hear stories of other people in far away places experiencing tragedies and we feel sorry for "them."

We don't expect to become "them."

We don't have children to watch them die.

Parents worry, they toil, they push, they observe and they love their children.

But with each child there comes a time when love is not enough to save them from themselves.

As a child myself of two very loving parents, I still look to them for help and solace.

I still ask them what they think of my decisions. I'm going to make the decision anyway, but without the comfort in my mother's voice or the strength in my father's gesture it really doesn't matter what I decide because having them a part of it matters.

So how does one come back from tragedy?
What do we do to make sense of life after death?

The more I think about, and with the days that go by I've come to the conclusion that we wait.
There's nothing more to do. The pain doesn't end, the confusion doesn't settle, the anger doesn't subside. But if we wait, maybe one day, long after the dust settles, we will be at peace with this tragedy and more importantly, at peace with ourselves.

Life after death...

There are certain moments in life that define who we are and dictate who we will become. These moments usually happen while we are making life plans and these moments bring our daily existence to a screeching halt. All in one second my life changed so profoundly that I could barely grasp it. On Sunday, December 15th I was flying home from L.A. I was on the last flight of two from Minneapolis to Chicago. There were about 15 people on the flight dressed in business suits waiting for the last passenger - me - to board the plane. My flight from LA got in late because of a delay so I had to sprint across the airport to a completely different terminal where I barely made my last flight. I was so pissed off because I couldn't get a hold of my brother, Alex, who was suppossed to be picking me up. I was trying to call him all day and both my parents said that they were having a hard time getting a hold of him as well. I got on the plane and noticed that the last 20 rows were empty but I still sat in my assigned seat. The only person I noticed upon entering the plane was this twentysomething, crazy-haired, five o'clock shadowed guy. The flight attendant came back and asked, "Do you want to move up to the front with the other passengers? I responded with, "No, I want to even out the weight." She laughed and then I laughed, but I think she knew I was enjoying the solitude. The flight was only 45 minutes long so I took my IPOD out of my bag, shut the light and stared out of the window at the bright lights. I wondered if the lights were visible from space. They seemed so remarkable only 7,000 feet above the earth. The flight went by quickly and before I knew it we had landed at Chicago O'Hare Airport. As I was exiting the plane, the crazy-haired guy whom I noticed before said hi to me. We started talking about the weather in L.A. and how devastating it is to come back to the freezing Chicago bliizzard. There were two things we had in common. The first one was that we both lived in London. He currently lives there and I lived there for 5 months this year. He is attending clown school. I found that hillarious and really interesting. He even had a red circle nose neclace that he wore around his neck. As we were walking to the baggage claim I discovered the second thing we had in common. He stuck out his hand in effort to shake mine and said "I'm Alex." I don't remember why but I felt like I'd known him my whole life. So I said "That's my brothers name! I never meet anyone named Alex. I'm Chelsea." He mentioned that he needed to find a pay phone to call his mother for a ride. I offered my cell phone because, well why not? As suspected, my bag didn't show up when I did so I put in a report with the nwa baggage agent who told me that I would be receiving my bag when it arrived in Chicago. Alex came in and gave me my phone back and I told him to have a nice holiday. He said the same to me. I finally got in touch with my dad who insisted on coming in to get me. I found that a little odd since he could simply pull up to the curb outside. But I didn't think twice. As he was walking in he looked as if he had been crying. When we got outside he said "mom and Joyce are in the car." Immediately I knew that something was wrong. It was 12:30 at night. He started to cry and I remember looking through the car wind-shield where I saw Joyce crying. That's when I knew. My brother was dead. Obviously it was more mortifying when actually happening. I don't remember doing anything other than screaming and crying. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. When I asked them how, they told me honestly and as best as they could. My mother found him and he was already at the coroner's office. Since that moment my life has not made any sense. The places I go and have gone to regularly, the people I know, the songs on the radio and the feeling of freedom has been replaced with indescribable sorrow, anger, fear, depression, lack of understanding, disorientation, perplexion, and grief. My brother was 20 years old and he was killed by a drug overdose - something so preventable, so emasculating. I still think he's gonna walk in the door, even after being alone in a room with his with his beautiful face that appeared as if he were sleeping and his cold, muscular body completely relaxed. Even after watching his casket slowly lowered into the ground. Even after visiting his grave 3 times this week. Even after tears and hugs and sleepless nights. Even after the prayers and the condolence calls and the rememberance and the investigating - I still think he's coming back because I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not a religious person, but I have to feel like he's in heaven. There would be no where else for him. I can't believe that you die and that's it because he had such soul. It was not until the third day after his death that I remembered meeting a guy named Alex 15 minutes before I found out my brother died. Life happens mysteriously, without warning or reason. But I know that there is life after death. Even if life seems unbearable and confusing as it does now, I do know that it goes on. It's only been 9 days since that moment, and I am still alive but I am a different person completely because I can't be the same person without him. He was the other half of me. I don't feel whole anymore. I just feel tired and uncertain of life ahead. Life does not make sense as it did before. But there is life after death.

Our Thanksgiving - awkward but worth it

Each November 27th, American families gather together to celebrate the age old tradition of giving thanks. We live in selfish times, not necessarily brought upon by greed or ambition, but as a result of the economic downturn which has caused us hard-working Americans to put our care-free spirits on hold (for hopefully just a little while) to focus on providing for ourselves and our families. Truth be told, we have put our God-given rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness on the backburner. And it kind of sucks. But on Thanksgiving, a heartfelt reverence always seems to capture us as we drive or fly from all over the world to be with our loved ones.

We have much to be thankful for despite what the media portrays. Sometimes our economic and political woes make us forget our good fate. To be a citizen from the land of the free and the home of the brave, where people from all over the world have settled for over 3oo years in pursuit of a better, fulfilling and free life is a human right that 300 million people are granted with. Every American family celebrates Thanksgiving differently than the next one. Some Americans whose ancestors came from Italy turn their feast into cucina Roma serving eggplant parmagiana or a simple spaghetti dinner. Some Indian-Americans fill their houses with the sweet smell of curry while Scottish Americans substitute turkey for haggis or Greek-Americans replace mashed potatoes and gravy with moussaka. Despite our current global conditions, we maintain admiration for our heritage through sharing Thanksgiving together as the pilgrims and the Native American Indians once did.

This year, my mother found a terrific program through a local Church enabling us to share Thanksgiving with new Americans who are not yet familiar with our traditions. It has become our small family’s ritual to volunteer during the holidays. Since our party totals a whopping three people, additions to our feast are rare but make for interesting conversation. This year, an adoring family of four new Americans joined our holiday. Natives of Bhutan, which lies between China and India, they moved to Nepal where they spent the past 15 years. The father worked in a corn factory, the mother was the homemaker and the children attended school and enjoyed sports like soccer and volleyball. On paper they weren’t too far off from what I would consider an enjoyable life. However, when they walked into our home, they were immediately in awe of our simple Suburban townhome which most Americans would consider far from glamorous. It was difficult to tell whether they were scared, humbled or indifferent.

Since I am the traveled and open-minded Laliberte, I was obviously intrigued by them. I wanted to hear their stories. I wanted to learn something new. Unfortunately the language barrier made it quite difficult to communicate. Their quiet nature and generous demeanors prevented us from having the conversations we would normally enjoy having, so we refrained from taboo topics and focused on the awkward silence in our dining room. As the evening progressed, the elephant in the room slowly crept it’s was into view. For me to feel awkward around people is extremely rare.

I had to keep reminding myself that we are doing what us Jews call a mitzvah, a good deed. Despite the awkward silences and different eating habits, the whole point of the day was to volunteer our time and money so that a new American family could see what a Thanksgiving was really like. If they had been at another family’s house I’m sure it would have been a completely different experience. After our evening of unrealized interrogation on this poor family, they finally asked us a question. The son looked at my mother and asked “where is the father?” My mother didn’t know how to explain to him that she is no longer married to our father and that although we see him and love him, he lives at another house (let alone that my brother and I have a half-sister and are very close with her mother’s family). How was she to explain the dynamics of our American home? So she simply said, “He doesn’t live here.” The family snickered to one another, put away their smiles and seemed almost puzzled. It was in that moment I was reminded that America is a place where the norms are the differences. It’s a place where the ability to live life does not have to be as a result of religion or duty. It’s a place where anything is possible and any option is a human choice and right.

This experience is one I will never forget. I hope our refugee family discovered that like their family, we have a small clan but we are a kind family who loves one another. No matter where you live, what you do, or where you have been, the ability to love and give thanks is universal.
Happy Thanksgiving!

And the Fat Lady Sang the Most Glorious Song

Post-Election Thoughts…

1) Propaganda Lives
During the coverage of election night I found myself switching from channel to channel. I couldn’t help myself. The contradictions between major stations were adamant and fully represented to the point of hilarity. Whether you regularly tune in to a specific station or flipped on the tube to simply seek any form of election coverage, the media contradictions and differences were clear and concise, but not objective as is the essence of journalism.

Media is and always will be a form of propaganda. Swaying the public is key; keeping the nation focused on pertinent issues should be the goal. However, when it comes to personal identification with a candidate’s policies and ideals the root of the decision-making process comes solely from reflection, empiricism and morality. We live in a conformist society. From atheists to anarchists, non-conformists are also swayed in their beliefs via media outlets, research and personal vendettas. No matter what the belief, we are a mentally and socially controlled country. This election only fueled that notion.

2) Boneheaded comments are bound to be made. So save yourself the humiliation and angst from friends and family by just shutting the hell up.

The morning after the election I (along with the others who were so generously added) received a very expected text message from a friend of mine. The text message read:

“Welcome to a ‘fairer and more just America,’ (aka the Soviet Union), where working hard will get you what is FAIR and not what you EARNED. So much for freedom.”

Upon reading this text, an outburst of laughter erupted from me throat. I was floored that someone would actually send out a mass text message with an excerpt of such stupidity and un-Americanism although it did include a bit of irony. Democrat or Republican, Christian or Agnostic, black, white, green, yellow, purple or pink, the last thing America needs is negativity.

We’ve voted, and we all know the outcome. Barack Obama or John McCain aside, the leader of the free world has a tall order to uphold. Some would say for the order to be the tallest we’ve ever encountered. Making stupid remarks that have not a speck of cohesion – i.e. that our freedoms will be taken away and that we will become a Communist country – are child-like and unwanted. No matter which candidate you voted for, the outcome is what it is. Barack Obama is our president-elect and will be the President of this country come January 20, 2009. Face the facts. Get over it. Get on board or leave!

3) There are some who will surprise you.

I have a very close friend who is uber-conservative. Her views are not a product of ignorance or hatred. Her views stem from heredity, experience and environment. There are many comments I have seen her make in the past regarding issues of race and culture that I find repugnant. I do respect her immensely because she is an incredible person all-around. We normally do steer clear of the political topics in conversation but during this election I felt that commenting was necessary. In my eyes, talking about it is far more important than avoiding the argument. To have beliefs requires you to at least understand viewpoints that oppose your own.

In this election, open-mindedness was absolutely crucial. This election is a matter of our families, our futures, our money, our health, our unity and our sanity – it’s not a time to sit back and allow decisions to be made for us.

Anyway, my election week ended on a positive note. This very close friend of mine and I went out for coffee and at the end of our conversation I asked her if she was upset about the election results. Her response was expected – “Well, I don’t really have a choice at this point.” And she’s right. I realized that I had a copy of The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama in my car. No, I did not plan that. I was actually about to read it again in the spirit of the outcome. So I excused myself from the table, grabbed the book from my car, came back and said “well if you don’t have a choice, would you like to educated yourself on what type of policies are about to be considered?” I didn’t tell her the context of the book. This book wasn’t really a mission statement or a glorified representation of policy. This book is exactly what its title suggests, a message of hope from a hopeful person.

If the election turned out the way you hoped as I did – yaaa hooo!!! We did it! Change prevails! Challenge yourself to take a look at the current administration’s mistakes. But, also realize that we are still here because of some of their decisions. Does the sun still shine? Can you still put gas in your vehicle? Can you still speak you mind and express yourself? Yes. Yes. Yes. In my world these things are possible, but there are thousands of less fortunate people who cannot say the same thing. That’s why I voted the way I did. We can all come together as a country and allow hard-working, HOPEFUL people to regain the successes dreamed of or lost.

If the election didn’t turn out the way you hoped it would I urge you to open your mind to new ideas. These ideas come from a positive place. These ideas come from a man who comes from simple beginnings and seeks the same things that all of us seek – happiness, love and naturally, freedom. Bipartisanship will be crucial and we need to work together to actually make Barack Obama's presidency a success. So let's look past the differences and look towards the future so that our children won't have to pick up the pieces that we're picking up for these morons in Washington. Amen.

Therapize Your Life

Some of the babble that escapes my mouth starts with "my therapist says." I noticed it last night when I was talking to Erin. I started off a couple sentences with "well my therapist says that..." and then she laughed at me. I dont' think it's that funny but I can understand the humor in it. It's like a movie or t.v. show where they talk about their therapy experience and it doesn't seem realistic to bring up in normal conversation - but I do it anyway. So here's the backstory on therapy in my life.

I started seeing therapists when I was 9 years old. Most of my close friends know that. I have not a speck of shame in it and I think most of my friends should be very thankful for mental medical geniuses for getting to me before I was a lost cause. That sounds horrible but it's true. I don't even want to think about the person I would be today if it wasn't for childhood counseling. People who don't know me so well think that sounds absolutely ridiculous. And for good reason - why would a 9 year old go to therapy? It's a pretty relavent question. It's like a teenager getting a boob job. Her body is not yet fully developed so she could potentially grow a full cup size until she has reached her growth peak - let alone the fact that getting a boob job at 16 is absolutely insane in my mind and any parent who would purchase fake tits for their teenage daughter should not be a parent (unless the procedure was breast reduction surgery or for a medical condition).

The point is that a 9 year old's brain is still growing and developing. So I can understand why most people would find the situation absurd. But let me tell you, if it wasn't for my mother putting me in therapy when I was child I could potentially be beyond reparable. I have chemical imbalance on both sides of my family and for different reason. The chances of me having a disorder or serious problems is probably higher for me than for others. I have gone through many things in my 23 years that are a result of instances that have occurred when I was a child combined with my chemical makeup. In order to understand the origins of habits or character traits one needs to understand who they are and why they do the things they do.

There has never been a year in my life (since I was 9) where I haven't gone to therapy at least once. It is expensive (insurance definitely doesn't cover it ) and I understand why people don't have a therapist that they refer to on a regular basis - but for me, without having therapy I would be a completly different person, I wouldn't be so self-aware, and I wouldn't have the close relationships that I have. So I'm absolutely not embarrassed to say that I'm in therapy. I'm fucked up, but now I know why and I know what I need to do to have balance in my life.

There are things I know I can work on. I guess, we all can. For example, I know that sometimes I have trouble relaxing. I should probably be on anxiety medication, but there is something about being uptight sometimes that gives me sanity. I don't know how to exist in this world without simple unique characteristics that I live with everyday that to some people may seem maniacal. It makes me who I am. Another example of a problem I have is being a control freak. It's a fact that I have to at least have some control of every sitaution. I won't go into it, but this attribute has shaped many relationship I've had with men or lack their of. But I know that and until I find someone who is willing to be patient with me in order to be who I am while giving him the patience for him to be who he is to make our relationship work, I will just be a dater and a friend.

When I am rich and am able to afford to spend more things on other people, I am going to give my friends the gift of therapy. My children will all be in therapy too one day. Because I might get divorced a couple of times. I hope not, but ya know, life will do that to you - throw you under the bus. But at least I'll know how I can help myself to get through it and overcome it.
Thank you therapists across the world for doing what you do!!!

Old habits die hard...

As a twentysomething living in the 21st century I don't think that I am alone in feeling that understanding our economy is quite the challenge. Today I sat through a meeting at work about how the economy is effecting the local and global marketplace. An abundance of terms were thrown at us that were not explained well (in my eyes). Okay, obviously the market is in the shitter right now. But there has got to be a way to explain exactly what is going on to people who didn't get their Bachelor's Degree in Finance or spent a huge chunk of their careers at the Chicago Board of Trade or on Wall Street.
From my understanding, lack of information is one of the major problems contributing to the bailout. Information is power, and apparantly what the public doesn't know can get them into deep financial dispair. I don't plan on purchasing a home withing the next two years (I may need to wait at least 10 years at this rate) but I now know that in order to do so I need to be heavily advised on terms like "credit freeze" and "short sale," etc.
I also think that it's important to understand the terms of the bailout passed last week and what we should expect, as the future leaders of this country, to do in order to change our spending habits so that this NEVER happens again. I do not want my children reaping what we have sewn. I want my children to be able to save the money they earn, understand how credit history effects getting a loan for college, how to balance a check book, and how to invest wisely. Even I still want to be able to get a loan for grad school! This will never happen unless we try to open our eyes as Generation Y. There are some people in this country that need to be educated as though they were a 5 year old, on how the economy and the global marketplace works. Taking econ in high school is one thing. Knowing the basics is important. But it seems like each year requires re-education about the current marketplace.
The world has become greedier and more ambitious with money or money-making. Generation Y is developing habits set by our current example-setters (our parents, our leaders, etc.). We are told from a young age to follow our dreams. At some point in time, our dreams became unfathomable monstrosities of evil. The things that matter the most to us are things that we don't need. America is an incredible country and an entreprenurial powerhouse. It was founded upon that basis. In 10 years time I hope to maintain that statement. But I fear that the one thing to keep us down is this continuous cycle of bad habits.

Mary Poppins Gets Around

Gettin' under my skin...and into my organs

It's been 11 whole days since I've added to my blog and let me tell ya, it's been quite a full 11 days. Other than only having 1 day off of work in a total of 13 days, I've been spending A LOT of time with my friends. I spent 5 months away from my girls, so spending time with them is crucial! I miss girl talk, confessions, bitch fests or just throwin' back a couple of beers and watching the Bears or the Cubbies. Speaking of the Cubbies, I'm not gonna lie I'm very dissappointed, but not too surprised at their performance thus far in the first round of the playoffs. I say "thus far" because I am trying to remain positive in lieu of Saturday's game. I'm a little nervous, but the Cubbies have pulled out of some tough spots before. They need to win three in a row. Chicago is a pretty tough town to impress and during these economically depressing times we all need something to give us some hope!



I'll tell ya who's not giving me much hope these days - Governer Sarah Palin. I mean, let's be honest, the woman can't have a normal conversation without saying something either politically incorrect or factually bananas. Speaking of saying stupid shit, I found a very interesting web page entitled Top 10 Dumbest Sarah Palin Quotes. As someone who is truly interested in and concerned with politics I find it extremely frightening that our next president may end up being a self proclaimed "hockey mom" or my personal favorite a "Joe six pack American." Who says that? So out of thes top 10 ridiculously orroneous quotes, I was repulsed by one imparticular. Ironically, it wasn't the most boneheaded thing she said, but it did baffle me. I consider myself religiously confused and as someone who uses the terms "Oh, my God" and "Jesus Christ" on a regular basis (in addition to sinning often and in other ways) you can tell that I'm not planning on having an easy breezy Judgement Day. This is what she said:



"Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan."

-Sarah Pailn, on the Iraq war, speaking to students at the Wasilla Assembly of God, June 2008



Okay so basically Governor Palin is saying that this whole war is God's will? Ummm, I don't know if I'm understanding this correctly or not. I'm not sure, but if there is a God (and I hope there is because heaven sounds nice), isn't he suppossed to bring upon peace, love and understanding? I'm pretty sure that the Pope would have a hard time convincing himself that the war in Iraq is God's will. I'm also pretty sure that the rest of the world - or, all of the people that I met when I was traveling - find the war repulsive and a waste of money and human lives. Oh, by the way, most of the people who expressed these opinions to me were people that worshipped at least one God. I thank God every time I pray that there are people in this world (yes, world - we often forget that there are many military forces from all regions of the world fighting) willing to die for the war on terrorism. I think that John McCain is an incredible politician, certainly a master of foreign affairs and a war hero that we all should respect and admire. However, when is enough gonna be enough? I thought that the war was initially to find the terrorists and nuclear weapons. Terrorism is an unsurmountable threat as we are all aware but here we are 8 years later, thousands of lives later with the biggest financial crisis since the great depression on our shoulders, and we are still spending millions upon millions of dollars towards this war and apparantly this is all God's will? Wake up lady, God is not floating around in that desert telling David Petraeus "keep it up, we're winning ."



I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks this, but Sarah Palin's interview with Katie Couric on CBS was horrifying to watch. How I felt watching that interview is how I would feel about watching an 80 year old woman strip - embarrassing, akward and then it just gets to the point where it's sad. All poor Katie Couric was attempting to do was to find out exactly where Governor Palin stands on pressing issues that America faces. I'm confident that as the Vice President of this country, there are quite a few crucial components you need to fully understand and expand on. She did not convince me in the slightest that she had a clue at all about foreign policy, climate change, avoiding future Wall Street meltdowns, or even simply understanding her own running mate's reforms on banking and economics.



I loooooooooooooove this quote...

"We all live in a climate, Katie, and it changes. If you read the Bible there are some serious climate changes going on during that busy six days. In Alaska we feel the effects of climate change everyday. It's getting warmer for polar bears, so they won't need such thick coats. I guess we all have to adapt."

I think she forgot that our climate crisis, like the war, was not God-created, but man created. Imagine that. And also, I think it was on the fifth and sixth days that actual living, breathing species were created. AFTER, the heavens and the earth. AFTER, the water separation. AFTER the dry ground. AFTER the sun, moon and stars. So I think the polar bears were all set at that point. I could go on but I almost threw up in my mouth again.


Even if you are a Palinite and adore her for her good looks, charm and annoying as hell accent I would hope that you could just admit that the interview with Katie Couric (or her entire defense of her right to become the next Vice President) was not her shining moment. I'll even get the ball rolling to say that she did great during the debate against Joe Biden. Now you try....

London Calling...

My life has been more ''go with the flow'' lately than I'm used to. Moving home has been interesting. Living in London was an amazing experience. It's hard to explain what it was like because there were so many elements to it that made it everything it was and ultimately made me want to come home. London lifestyle is completely different than anywhere I have ever been. These are the top three things that I miss about London:

1) FASHION

Vivienne Westwood, Alexander McQueen, Stella McCartney. Three high fashion designers that I cannot afford. All English. I would dress up just to go to these boutiques and check out the stores. It's amazing to me that people today can actually afford a t-shirt for $300. I miss walking down Regent Street or High Street Kensington and seeing the crazy get-ups people would be wearing. My favorite London stores were Primark - where everything is ridiculously cheap, TopShop and my all time favorite - ALL SAINTS!! I loved walking through All Saints. The store is incredibly over-priced but is so fashion forward it's unbelievable. I also miss Europe H&M. It makes American H&M look like Abercrombie. The dress I'm wearing in the pic to the left is from H&M and I wear it all the time. It's so comfortable! And the accesories I got from Primark. I also love UK French Connection. They know how to dress women. I miss seeing gorgeous women wearing leggings or dark denim with knee high suede or riding boots. I miss high waist mini skirts and crazy vintage pattern dresses. I miss seeing men in fitted, tailored business suits. I miss the crazy hats and nail polish colors and unkept hair. I miss shopping at Portobello Market. I have come out of living in London with a definite sense of personal style which includes shopping and dressing for my body type. My motto is ''if it feels good then that's halfway to it looking good on.'' The other half meaning it actually looks good. Please don't apply that motto to all life situations. You might be terribly dissappointed.

2) THE PEOPLE OF THE WORLD

Never in my life have I had the opportunity to meet people from literally everywhere in the world. It was great because I didn't meet any Americans! I mean that in the most positive way. Most Americans I met were clueless tourists who spent more time bitching than actually sight-seeing or enjoying themselves. Such a shame!

aussies.

Melanie and Sam are two of the coolest people I've ever met.

They are from Cambera (the capital city) and Brisbane in Australia. I can assure you that they do love Vegemite as much as the rumors suggest (as you can see from the pic of Mel and Lisa). Although America and Australia have similar cultures, I can assure you that Australians certainly value different things. Like water. Australia has a water drought which has resulted in a national dependency on bottled water. I've never seen in Australian not finish their water. It makes me realize how lucky I am to have water at my disposal and has definitely made me more resource-conscious. Also, there is this chain of bars in London called The Walkabout. It is an Australasisan bar that Australians, Kiwis and South Africans flock towards to in my opinion find comfort in their alocholism. I have never felt more violated or dirty in London except when I am at a Walkabout. Oh and I'm convinced that 98% of Australian men who surf are ridiculously gorgeous.

the french.

My flatmate Heloise is so French she doesn't even know it. She smokes, drinks, eats loads of carbs, dresses impecably and still looks like a gorgeous swan - as you can see from this picture. By the way, the rumors are totally true. The French are devout romantics. The speak le pasion. They love to love and they are very horny. They are also very smart but don't really like other cultures invading their turf. I've been to Paris and had an awesome experience with French people although I have heard to the contrary. I guess it just depends on the person. They are very protective of their history and culture which makes them more refined to me. And all of them are freaking gorgeous. That's all I have to say about the French.

the natives.

Although the natives (people from London) are few and far between, I found them to be either lovely and fun or completely ignorant and rude. Londoners are always on the go. Business is everything in London, so most of the people I knew were lawyers, investors, traders, ITs, marketers or producers. I only became close to a few people from London. They were all really great, fun and sweet people. London boys are all about having a good time. Get a few drinks going and they are good to go as you can see from this lovely picture of Jules and Sam.

They are a bit hard to read when in comes to the dating scene. I only really almost fell for one London boy, and he was quite the charmer, but he left for the Caribbean and I couldn't really bare to go back to London boys after that because the impression was so severe. So I jumped over to Latin men which is why I will not write about them. All I will say is that sensuality is in their blood and that they are very persistent (almost stalker-like). Anyways, back to the natives. The midlanders were awesome! By the end of my time in England I could tell a Birmingham accent from a Hull accent or a Newcastle accent from a Manchester accent. People from the country were just so sweet. They live so simply and cherish the simplicity of their lives.

There are thousands of people from all walks of life roaming around London. The French and the Aussies and the natives were the cultures I spent most of my time getting to know.

3) NIGHTLIFE

London has a unique energy to it. Here's the deal. It's not like America where bars are open until 2 or 3 am. The bars in London close at 11:30 on weekends and 10:30 on week nights. So you can imagine how frustrating it was for me when I was forced to go to clubs. I don't really like clubs. I tried to blend in, I tried to see the fun in it, but it just gave me a headache and a bad attitude from getting hit on by deviants. I don't really like house music or doing drugs or really crazy lighting. The normal thing to do is go to a house party or throw your own (as we often did at the Clapham house) and then head out to what I like to call dancebars. My favorite bar for this activity was People's Republic in Clapham Common (other than Zoo Bar in Leicester Square which I know is cheesy but really fun) where the bar would be open until 3 am like all of the clubs but it would play normal music and it felt like you were actually in a bar and not a rave. Yes, I kind of worked it all out for my advantage. Also, if you go out with a group that includes guys, they will buy drinks and will not even let you try to help out. They will track you all night to make sure each drink you get is not purchased by a woman or yourself. Oh how I miss the chivalry of English men. American boys can learn a thing or too. The other great thing about partying in the city where public transport is all that is available - people rarely drive or even have access to a car - is taking THE NIGHT BUS!!! The night bus saved me from spending 40 GPBs (that's $80) on cabs from one end of the city to the other. After you figure out the geography of the city and know which buses go where, it's so easy to get around after hours. You meet the most interesting people too. Yes, half of them are intoxicated but hey, so am I.

There are so many other things about London, but those were my top 3. I'm missed London a lot today. I had to share :)

A little bit of humor never killed anyone...