It's not like anyone really cares all that much about whether or not I am blogging just like they wouldn't really care if I'm showering everyday, remembering to lock my front door when I leave, noticing dust fermenting on my tv and then cleaning it off, or other areas of adulthood that I've mastered over the past few years. So, since I've been kind of off the radar because I've been um, living my life, I decided that I'm going to dedicate some time to writing my thoughts and feelings without caring who reads it, who doesn't, and whether or not I am using proper English grammar and sentence structure in doing so (ignoring the fact that I have a BA in Journalism). With that said, 2011 has been beyond ridiculous. I consider this year to be one in which I've grown more in 8 months then I have ever before.
Flashback to December 2008 where the cornerstone event of my life occurred. At 23, I was living on my own, had a full time job, experienced the same growing pains every chick in her 20's does, and was finally feeling independent and confident after just moving back from London. Then, I lost my brother. You want to talk about being a confused and bewildered twentysomething? Well, that was amplified and then some. I'm not saying that the world owes me something or anyone should feel sorry for me. I've lived a pretty blessed and happy life. But, my perspective changed tenfold. What happened to my brother was and still is a tragedy, one that I will never get over, but one that I've now reached an acceptance for. It's taken a very long time to confidently say that. I don't think about him every second of every day, and I have to attribute that to taking each day slowly and not rushing through it over the past 2.5 years.
This sounds really corny, but when someone close to you dies so suddenly (or at all) dreams of that person become so valuable. Alex visits me in my dreams and I feel lucky that my non-stop, spastic, imaginative brain allows me to see his handsome face. Sometimes he's there in nightmares, just standing there protecting me (that's my conclusion). Sometimes he's there when the dream is a happy one, and I'm thankful I get to experience that with him - even though it's all "make believe."
I needed to change things about myself in order to feel like things would be better one day. So, I slowed down. Hard thing to do when you are naturally hyper and have Gary Laliberte as your father. It's in the bloodline. He's the most energetic person I have ever known.....ever. So, I cried when I needed to, laughed when something was funny, ate my feelings and gained 40 pounds and then lost it all when things started to get better. Better meaning healing. It wasn't until I moved out to LA that I started to feel full of life again. At this time in my life, I'm more confident and happy then I have ever been before, and the events in my life have shown that to me.
I think it's interesting how we change and don't realize we're changing until we don't know how to deal with things because we aren't doing the things we used to do. Case in point, I fell in love this year for the very first time in my whole life. I've had love-like scenarios before, where I think I loved the person but never fully fell because I was so scared. The reason I know that is because I was like a 16-year-old on a hormone-driven, emotion-entrenched airport of feelings. And I actually allowed myself to feel them and let this person in. It was kind of me testing myself to see if I could NOT run away for once. So I stuck around and learned how vulnerable and sensitive I am. I also learned how critical I am of myself. And, that's okay, because I am human. In the end it didn't work out, and it hurts, and I miss him. But I believe everything is an experience to grow and learn from. I learned that I shouldn't settle for anything less than I deserve. And I won't ever again. To feel like I was selling myself out for infrequent moments of bliss and mixed messages every other second was very draining, to say the least. It doesn't matter how good the sex is, or how much you jive with someone, the red flags are there and only you can read them. In the end, everyone is damaged and it all comes down to timing, intelligence and luck. But, to make my point, what I would have done before is ended the situation at the first inclination of emotion. To have my best friend, Jessica say to me, "I want to record this conversation because it's never happened," when I called her to tell her about this person said it all. I've been friends with her since I was 19, that's like 7 years. Whoa.
There's waaaaay more that's happened...but that was probably the biggest thing.
So, I will leave everyone with a quote my mother has been saying for years...
"If you always did what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."
Totally true and TOTALLY life-changing, if you're up for the "challenge to change," as I call it. Until next time....
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KYLIE AND GIANNA ARZER!!! Your Auntie Chels LOVES YOU!!!!
