...

You and me, how it used to me
holding hands as we crossed the street
nothing to say, no need for that
your presence was enough for me

skipping through the fields at night
dancing around in the moonlight
feeling part of something bigger than this

i cant explain the crutch
words are not enough
i cant dream it again
my soul is on the mend
step by step i stride
feeling lost inside
you left before i had a chance to say goodbye

Pointless But Interesting...

What brand were the last pair of jeans you wore?
I'm really not a fan of jeans, believe it or not. I never have been. I only wear them if I absolutely have to - i.e. to a concert, sporting event, or with a cute top when I'm out on a Friday night or somethin'. That's why I buy dresses and leggings and black pants and black capris. I do own a pair of jeans...actually a few, they are from Gap. But recently my mom pointed out that they are not flattering haha. Soooo I'm back to comfort pants only.

Where did you spend time yesterday?​​​​
Work. For about 9 hours. I wish I didn't have to work...but then again, don't we all :)

Will tomorrow be a busy day for you?
Most likely, but luckily I'm spending my evening with my best girls playing games and eating and laughing and being together!

What song is currently.. playing?
Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band...who I am seeing live on Saturday night! Yayyy!!

Do you use all ten finge​rs to type?
Nope. I don't use my pinkies. Just discovered that the other day actually!

Name something rando​m in your room that you probably shouldn't find in there?
My mom's wedding dress. Which is now yellow from lack of care over the years, but none the less it gives me a hearty laugh when I look over at it and think that I will probably be wearing a portion of that dress one day. And I also laugh because my parents were actually married to each other.

​Who was the last frien​d that liste​ned to you vent?
Tina, my love!
I just got off the phone with her. It wasn't really venting, it was sadness because I miss my brother, but she was being the amazing Teenie that I know AND LOVE :)

Is love real?
YES. Very real, to me :) I've loved and lost and loved again and lost again and will probably continue that cycle, because Im all about the love!

What did you do today?
Worked all day where I was a major dissappointment :(
Hung out with my mom for a bit after work
Went to have a little sesh with my therapist, God love her!
Drove home
Talked to Tina
Talked to Becky
Now I'm blogging

Do you hαve any pictu​res in your room if so what of?
Tons! I have collages that my little sisters have made for me. I have a collage of Alex that Nikki made for me. Pictures of my brother and I. And I have paintings here and there.

Hones​tly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yes. But that's not possible.

Hones​tly, where would you rather be right now?
Across the pond in a little country called England :)

Hones​tly, does being with your friends make you happy?
Absolutely! It's nice to have true friends in my life who are willing to go through the good, the bad, the ugly, the amazing, and just the whole journey. And it's also nice to have people to be myself around who appreciate all of the little elements of who I am!

Do you hαve a TV in your room?
Yes...but I don't really watch it that much, more into reading and sleeping these days.

Would you rather have long or short hair?
I looooooooove my long hair.

Do you think girls that shop at holli​ster are snobb​y bitch​es?
Not really...people have different styles and that's cool.

Are you wearin make-​​​up?
Nope. No need at this hour.

In the past 12 hours who have you talked to the most?
My mom...she's my rock!

What are you think​ing about right now?
I'm thinking about how much I love Becky and how proud of her I am :)

Who did you last text?
Jessica Lazzaretto Arzer!

Who did you last talk to on the phone?​​
Becks

How do you feel right now?
Tired, nervous to go to work tomorrow because I'm a horrible excuse for an employee apparantly, but also excited because tomorrow night is game night at Jess'! Waaa hoooo!!

Last December, where were you in life?
The worst place I have ever been or ever will be. Wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Do you miss your past?
I miss being 12 and not knowing the hard stuff about life. I have become a new person in 7 months so I absolutely miss feeling whole, feeling lucky to have all of my family happy and healthy. I don't yet know what it is like to truly live a substantial amount of time without my brother, who in essence is the other half of me. And if I could back and save him, I would in a heartbeat.

Last thing you drank?​​
Coffee....it's my life

Are you stressed?
Fo sho. I manage it well and try not to let it make me all bent out of shape but it's unavoidable for all of us I think.
​​
Want to say anyth​ing?
I'm saying a whole lot right now. I am really excited to move to LA! I'm super stoked for the upcoming months of fun and vacations and friends and family! And...life is short and out of our control so take it day by day. Don't sweat the small stuff. Appreciate those you love.

Was yesterday better than today​?
Everyday is different. I don't remember, but I can't imagine it being much different.

When is the last time you saw your mom?
Like 4 hours ago

Do you have someone of the oppos​ite sex you can tell everything​ to?
Tough question to answer. I recently severed a friendship with my best guy friend. He was not there for me AT ALL during the loss of my brother. Hasn't checked up on me at all since the funeral/condolence call. I miss being able to talk to him about everything. I miss going to concerts. I miss kicking back to have a few beers. I miss Sunday night Entourage sessions. I miss the teasing. I miss the connection we had. But in the end, the truest tests of friendship occur through hardship and life changes. He failed the test miserably. So I move along...

Who pissee​d you off yeste​rday?
No one, really.

What do you curre​ntly hear right now?
My fan buzzing around and the immaculate music of Third Eye Blind :)

Do you get distr​acted​ easil​y?
Nope. I'm a pretty focused person when I want to be.

What is the last thing you did befor​e you went to bed last night​?
Peed

If you could push one perso​n off of a mountain who would it be?
Everybody loves somebody, so even though there are a few people I pray for, Iwould never do that to their families :)

When was the last time you had fun?
Last weekend when I was out in Chi City with my cousin!

Who was the first person that you talked to today?
Mi madre

Have you ever gotten in a fight with someone,​ and never made up?
Ha...ummm yea, some people aren't worth a moment of my time.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
Yes! Nikki, Natalie, and Kristy...love my besties!

Who was the last person you cooked for?
That's hillarious.

Do you miss the way thing​s used to be?
Like what? Like the way Mariah Carey was before Glitter? I only know 1985 until now, so I'd probably bring back Saved By The Bell and Michael Jackson circa "Wanna Be Startin Somethin'"
\Where is the next place you will travel to?
Alpine on Saturday!

What is something you curre​ntly want?
Happiness...and a nice man in my life would be nice :) For reals. I'm deprived lol

Would you pass a drug test?
Hell yea...don't even make me explain why!

She's Got Me Like Nobody...

I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas please...

Oh the lyrics of Lady Gaga, so poignant and yet so ironic at the same time. I actually find Lady Gaga to be extremely fascinating. She does a really incredible job of grabbing people's attention. She's kind of my girl crush. Her and Zooey Deschanel. I like them both for different reasons. Lady Gaga has that mysterious, shocking originality. The downside is that it's very clear she is trying to be/look different to the point that it's hard for anyone to relate to her. I still find it tough after almost a year since "The Fame" hooked us all. That's why I have Zooey Deschanel to kind of center it for me.

I'm crazy about them both but Zooey kind of balances it out. She's not trying too hard, it's clear she sings her own tune but does it in a way where it is not borderline scary. I like that. Anyways, I had a point.

I was listening to "Pokerface" today on my way home from work and it was the first time I really thought about the lyrical content of the song. Which is totally not like me because I'm all about hidden meanings and irony and symbolism so normally I would have had this song figured out right out the gate but it's not one of those songs you would think would have this deep meaning. Because it doesn't. It's basically taking the double standards of society and giving it the finger. Which I love, don't get me wrong, but I just don't relate to anything she is singing about. I'm not the "play with men's minds and take the money and run" kinda chick. It's funny to watch her give interviews. She sits down and talks to these reporters about nonsense. It almost seems scripted to me. She is my age and talks about having random and meaningless sex with people all over the world and that she sees everything as an art. As an artist in my own ways, I KNOW that everything is not art related. If Hitler and Sadaam and war is an art then I'm done. She plays off the whole "feminity" thing but kind of sucks at it because she admits she sleeps around. It just doesn't make sense to me. I think we all know now that you don't gain respect or admiration by being a whore. I wouldn't be surprised if Gloria Steinem dropped her t.v. out of a window after witnessing half the crap that is considered "interesting." I know I'm right...look at Britney Spears.

Anyways, I keep losing my point of this whole posting. Oh yea, so I'm like the queen of the "Pokerface." I think we all have the ability to put on our Pokerface when the time is right. Clearly I'm not going to give mine away, but if you're lucky enough you will get to experience it ;) So all I will say is that love games are stupid and a waste of time and it's sometimes just easier to be honest...for everyone. I feel like that we live in a society where we all have to have a "don't let them know" type of attitude. I don't like that. I like being real. It's more fun. Oh, I started making a list of things I like and dislike. Yes, seriously...

Likes:

- Watching awkward encounters play out

- Observing body language

- Cream cheese

- Waiting until the end of the day to check Facebook (soooo sad, I know!) - so I can have a hearty laugh at my friend's commentary :)

- Mos Def, Common (saw him in concert with my mom and brother last year and still refer to it as one of the hottest things I've ever seen) and Idris Elba (man, oh man is he hot)- I'm kinda into them. Oh and Gerard Butler (I had to throw a white guy in there - 300, all I have to say). Okay so now you know I'm sex deprived.

- McDonald's coffee

- Falling asleep with the fan on...even though my basement is freezing already. and even in the dead of winter.

Dislikes:

- People who have no listening ability

- Sexual deviants (obviously)

- the mini-golf guys who play in the hallway at my office (they actually ask me to stop walking in the middle of the hallway so they can finish their hole. as if the hallway isn't big enough for us all to move around in!)

- People who think their issues trump other people's issues

- Drivers who don't use their signals but instead would rather cut you off. I don't get it. So rude!

- America haters

- Paris Hilton...yep, I still can't find anything I like about her

So that's it...all in all, I don't really know where I was going with any of this...

til tomorrow xoxo

Chels :)

Choices

So I finally decided to sit down and get the creative juices flowing again. It's not a walk in the park, people. It's super hard. Finding the inspiration and motivation to write is like finding a needle in a haystack right now. I partially blame my job. From 8:30 am until 6:00 pm Monday through Friday, my creativity is sucked from my loins. I guess that is just the result of working in marketing. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but it's not fun to come home physically exhausted from having a 9 hour brain workout. Why am I such a complainer? Okay, I'm stopping now. I promise :)

So I read this book everyday called "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. My amazing cousin, Michelle AKA Steiney, bought it for my mom right after Alex died, but I stole it because I didn't really want to read a whole grief book. So instead I read a daily message and it gives me something relatable to think about throughout the day. I usually read one on my way to work. It works out great because there is one for each day of the year. It relaxes me and brings me back to reality, forcing me to deal with the process I am still going through.

I really loved today's entry which started off with this quote:

"Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver." - Sophocles

The excerpt was about decision making and how even the simplest of choices can seem impossible to make. My usual system of "choice making" is altered because of the grief completely effecting my life.

I have begun to realize that feeling grounded is such a blessing. It's hard to be so wishy washy, but that's the constant state of flux that exists during a time of grief. Tonight I had dinner with two of my closest friends who happen to be twin sisters, Jessica and Becky. They are both very different but have a very close bond. They have been there for me so much over the past 7 months. Last year Jessica had twin daughters, Kylie and Gianna - those cuties in the picture! You want to talk about a life-changing experience? She has changed her life with so much grace and integrity in no time at all. It's so awesome to watch her with her daughters because it was not too long ago that we were galavanting around Chicago getting hammered silly and making really bad decisions. So it's interesting to recognize the choice that she has made and the person that she has become in just a short year. The respect I have for her is insurmountable. To see her with her daughters is so endearing. They are beautiful little girls and every time I am with them I feel more and more connected to being a mom and having a family of my own one day. I bring this up because whether the change has been death or life, it's still challenging and life-changing.

Now Becky has a different situation. God, I love my Big Bad Becks! Becky is the sweetest person you will ever know and I respect her so much. She has lived in Libertyville her entire life, loves her family and friends, and would be perfectly fine in her state and place for her entire life. Tonight at dinner we were talking about Los Angeles. If you are not yet aware, I am moving there in February. Cannot wait! I mentioned this to Becky because I know that she has always wanted to travel and live in another city, but the thought of it is pretty scary to her because she would be out of her element and it would be difficult to leave her friends and family. So I have mentioned the idea of moving to LA with me a few times and her face lights up with excitement and interest every time! But tonight I saw a different face then I am used to. I finally saw a small twinkle signifying that a decision is being made. And that decision is to move to LA! I am constantly reminding myself that I am a little bananas. I do things like pick up and fly somewhere or move to a completely different country haha. Most of my friends don't need to do that. So I completely understand Becky's hesitations. But I think I've sold her! Maybe. Only time will tell. I just love her so much and would love for her to have an experience unlike anything she has ever had. But again, this is another DECISION that is hard to make. To pick up and leave everything you know and love, it's hard to do. Well clearly not for me, but for some people it is. I've always been a free spirit. The unknown is a frightening situation for most people. I personally find it mesmerizing. But then again I'm a weirdo!

Anyways, the moral of the story is that no matter what kind of choice needs to be made, there will always be cause for concern but the way I look at it is, if you try it atleast you will never regret not trying it. Life is too short to wonder. Because my brother made a poor choice that fateful evening on the 15th of December, it cost him his life. I am not going to hold myself back from living life to the fullest. It's what he would have wanted and I am always going to honor that. I feel like I am living life for two people now, Alex and myself, so that at least when I see him again, because I have a feeling I will, I can show him that his memory never left my heart.