THIS IS WHAT MOVING LOOKS LIKE...MAYHEM

I'm moving...if you didn't know that then welcome to my life. I know, I know...Tiger Woods' sluts and familial destruction has been fiercely more important than my move, and that's where you have been for the past 3 weeks. I get it, he's Tiger, I'm only me. Welcome back. So basically my room looks like a crime scene. It literally looks like my entire room/the basement was ransacked and destroyed. 11 days til the big drive cross country AKA the first step of this mountain climb of a situation. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't be more excited but it does contain an enormous amount of inner battling. Here's a typical conversation I have with myself on a daily basis:

Me: So "Anna Karenina?" Keep or toss?
Me: Let's keep it. It's supposed to be a classic.
Me: But, you've had it for 10 years and never read it. Why can't you just go to the library and take it out?
Me: I just want it.
Me: Okay, you win. Keep it.
Tough battle, "hardly" fought...easily won. Those three boxes in the photo below are only filled with books. Ha.

Or, this gem of a convo regarding clothes...

Me: You haven't warn this sweater ever.
Me: That's okay I'll wear it one day. It's really cute.
Me: When did you get it?
Me: Like 3 years ago at Macy's.
Me: Oh. But your going to be in Los Angeles where it's warm. You won't even wear wool sweaters in Chicago when it's below zero because of your hot bloodedness.
Me: Okay, but it's still cute.
Me: Okay, you win. Pack it up.

See, I have some mind boggling decisions to make. Okay, in reality, maybe I am being a little bit of a hoarder, but truly, my clothes mean a lot to me, my books mean a lot tot me - both make me who I am. Even if I don't utilize them. And don't plan to ;) I'm the queen of excuses and debating.

Um, yea....those are my wardrobes (after I cleaned everything out to give away). Tells ya a lot. Good thing my closet in the new apartment is a walk-in and big enough to accommodate everything you see here. I keep forgetting about my dresser, which is large and contains many more pieces of my apparel. Ooh, and my purses, coats and shoes. Riiiiiiiiiiight. Hmmm.




A few boxes. Not bad, not bad




















I don't know how to explain this. 11 days. 11 days. 11 days. 11 days.

That's me after taking these photos. ------->

Controversial Chelsea is at it again

Just like anything we humans believe, the root of the particular ideal started as a story told by someone to someone else which was told to that someone by another somebody else and so on and back and back until the story's creation. Even the tale of Jesus Christ was written down and described by multiple people to develop into the life of Christ that thousands of people around the world wordship and know to be the foundation of their lives today. "Jesus died for your sins" - so you keep on sinning. "Mary was a virgin" - so you have to be until marriage. "Jesus understands your pain" - okay he walked during a time we no longer exist in and which not one person from 2009 could function normally living in on a day to day basis (now we have deeper problems like poverty, pollution, addiction, the list goes on - and WWJD? He hadn't even scratched the surface during his time). On that same token, some theorists argue that the idea of religion is based upon fables meant to keep order in societies. Same with the idea of heaven and hell. If you do sin, you will burn in the fiery pits of hell. If you do good and don't lie, cheat, steal, adulterate, disrespect, and so on and so forth, you will go to heaven and live blissfully on a cloud for eternity.

As children we formulate what is right and wrong, true and false, here and there based upon the tellings of our parents, teachers and elders - but mainly our parents. From the get go we are lead to believe in one thing over another. Is that right? As humans, aren't we given the option of free will? The Bible says so. The Torah says so. The Koran says so. So then why are parents all over the world instilling ideas that are mere possibilities into the fresh minds of their children? Do we want our children to discover life and think for themselves or to be followers willing to believe anything they hear in order to be accepted into a group?

As an independent person, tride and true, I am reluctant to say that when I have children, they will be Jewish or Catholic even though I was raised in a Jewish household with touches of Catholicism. I'm in my mid 20's andI don't follow either religion. I haven't been to synagogue in like 3 years. The last time I was in Church was to honor my brother's life because a particular Mass was dedicated to him. That was last year. I'm not going to Church on Christmas. I didn't go on Thanksgiving. I'm not getting married in one. I don't know what I believe, but I was lucky enough to have two parents who didn't jam religion down my throat. There are many cultures that embody religion from birth til death and in which questioning faith is a sin and may result in damnation or even death. Who am I to judge those particular cultures? Unfortunately, we live in a world which thrives upon judgements which is ironic because isn't the only real judge God, as they say.

I'm being very skeptical and controversial because that's what happens to me during this time of year, every year. At Christmastime I always ponder its purpose. I always ask myself, "why am I celebrating a holiday that I don't believe in?" I may not believe in a parents right to mold a belief system. But I do know the answer to my own ponderings... I would rather spend a day giving from my heart, spending quality time, laughing, rejoicing, eating, drinking, talking, playing and BELIEVING in the one thing I know exists....my family.

Movie Review: 500 Days of Summer

I totally have a crush on Joseph Gordon-Levitt after checking this one out. He's a cutie, but in a more manly way than his teeny film era self i.e. 10 Things I Hate About You. Not to say he wasn't bodacious-ish then - just hadn't grown into his full hot self yet. But about the movie (haha)...I wasn't overwhelmingly into it but I'll keep it positive because I have a good feeling about it overall.

The story line worked for me for a few reasons. First of all, it was interesting to look at a dating stereotype flipped around. We have Summer, played by the fabulous Zooey Deschanel, as the heroine - and I literally mean that she was Tom's (played by J.G.L - I'm abbreviating, I don't want to type it out every time) heroin, as in the drug. She isn't into the relationship thing and Tom definitely is. He's the typical romantic guy, fighting for love and getting suckered into falling for the one girl he could never have. Summer was pretty out-and-out about her intentions for her relationship with Tom. She was upfront with him about her issues with titles and hangups about love, but she carried on intimacy, spent quality time with him and let down her walls with him. So she did lead him on and let the love grow one-sided (and she knew it too).

The acting was great from J.G.L. I wasn't entirely impressed with Zooey in this one but I still think she's incredibly talented and you can't help but appreciate the female lead choice. She's cute as a button. Ideally, the director could have sorted this one out chronologically, but he chose back tracks and flash forwards in a perfectly random order throughout...you guessed it...500 days. I think it made this simple romantic jaunt more intriguing to view. It kept me guessing. During the scene where she is "letting down her walls," I was for sure she was going to hang up her hangups the next day. But then there were simpler scenes like the "Ringo Starr" record moment. She basically rolls her eyes at him which made me think she thought he was a bit ridiculous. The marriage thing I never saw coming. I was surprised mainly because I felt bad for poor Tommy. I would feel sad for myself as well. Knowing that the person I loved couldn't be with me because he didn't want to be in a relationship with me but would with someone else that he met when he was romantically involved wtih me - yea, time to call my therapist.

The ending was nice and hopeful as Tom moved from Summer into "Autumn." I liked it. Overall, I'll give it 3.5 out of 5 Kraft Mac & Cheese boxes. I use the rating scale as such because Kraft Mac & Cheese is my favorite food and I may or may not be having a craving for it right now. I'll let you tell me which one it is ;) Also, the star is getting a bit boring. I'm over it.

These Coming Weeks

Apartment lease signed...check.
Mattress picked out/deposit put down...check.
Room packed up...okay, well that's still a work in progress.
From there it just gets a little hazy. With the holidays around the corner I've got to admit, I am feeling a bit somber at the thought of spending a lot of quality time with friends and family and then just days later having to leave them. This experience is much different than the other moves I've made because I always went away with the notion that I would be coming back. Whether that time lasted 3 weeks of 6 months, it wouldn't last much more than that. But now, I am actually packing up everything that belongs to me and trekking it across the nation to Los Angeles. Obviously I wouldn't pack up and leave everything I know and love if I wasn't sure that I could handle it and love it, even if I had to learn to. Believe me, I know what it means to learn to love a place you are living. For example, although London was amazing and the experience was unforgettable, it did take me about 2 months to settle in and finally feel comfortable and actually enjoy the aspects of the city. Everyone probably thought that I loved every minute of it, but it was difficult. It was hard to be on my own in a completely different culture let alone continent, knowing absolutely no one, all the while having to get my own job and house. I learned a lot - mostly about myself. For example, I learned that I rush into things. I get scared and I panic that I won't find what is best for me, and instead I just choose the first thing I come across because it is available. Maybe it's just my excitable nature, which is fine. But it almost makes me feel contradictory because I am a full believer in never settling and always going for what you want even if you don't get it, at least you tried.

So anyways, I am stoked! Christina and I are really excited to move into our new home...it's adorable, by the way. My mom's first choice! I'm so glad she came with us - she's a very smart person, especially when it comes to signing contracts and asking all of the necessary questions. So here's how I know that I'm doing the right thing by moving....I thought about every aspect of what this would entail not just a year ago but almost 2 years ago. While living in London I actually did think about where I would want to live when I got back. Knowing me, I would be vigorously searching for a new relocation destination. This is just who I am...a vagabond, someone who needs to feel the changes and go with the flow to feel normal. Even if I just had a feeling about something, and then actually go for it. Yes, even if thast means moving thousands of miles away, at least my free spirit would be honored and I could be me. But back to the topic at hand. I know I am making the right decision for the following reasons (in addition to having thought about this for 2 years). I know because I actually sat down and said, "this is where I want to go, I'll figure it out when I get there." Now, you are probably thinking, what no plan?! Well, every time I've made a plan I've wanted to back out. So if I learn from my mistakes and go somewhere allowing things to just happen to me, I can't set myself up for failure. So other than taking the time out to find an apartment, driving around the city just to see what I will be living in, and picking out a mattress, the rest is being left to the moving Gods.

When I get there, having no children, husband or other commitments back here to keep me, I can do whatever the fuck I want. Feels good! I don't have to worry about the Visa expiring or the job sucking or the bad roommate situation back in Chicago. By the way, another reason I am who I am today is because of my life-long anti-filtering campaign - boo fucking hoo. The moral of the story is, whether you think I'm completely out of control for constantly moving around or that I'm running away or that I'm wasting money...you don't walk in my shoes and you don't have any room to judge. One life, people. Live it.

P.S. While I'm looking out over the shores of the Pacific ocean you will be 4 feet deep in snow.

I adore the simpliticy of these lyrics

Twenty-two summers
And I hope You'll have a hundred more
Colors of this roof
Will always follow

I hope we meet in the end
With wrinkles like the divas
And we'll dance again and again
In the end
In the end
oh oh oh

Days and months and years
In cities people love and fear
Make out wherever she's out drinking
Always be ?

I hope we meet in the end
With wrinkles like the divas
And we'll dance again and again
In the end
In the end
oh oh oh

I hope we meet in the end
With wrinkles like the divas
And we'll dance again and again
In the end
In the end
oh oh oh

I hope we meet in the end
With wrinkles like the divas
And we'll dance again and again
In the end
In the end
oh oh oh

In The End by Ida Maria

Tiger: A Porno Waiting to Happen

If you haven't heard today's news then you must be a pipe-dwelling mouse with no access to news mediums and a very small brain (but don't worry, you have that tail). It appears as though Tiger is into hoes. Not very shocking. We've got models, club owners, wannabe starlets, and now "escorts." I love that word "escort." At one point in time that word meant companion or Friday night date and now it involves a bit more than playing a little game of "Just the Tip." Apparently, Tiger is into it. Now what really interests me is that, Michelle Braun, the owner of this escort service, claims that her business closed last year after running into personal legal troubles. Hmmm I wonder why! You own an escort service, chicky. Unbelievable.

Twits of Tinsel Town - First Edition

Oh media, how you amaze me! We all have those celebs we love to hate, but there comes a point when you really question the objective of their existence in the spotlight. I often ask myself, why have these morons been chosen out of 300+ million people to represent our country's standards of entertainment worth? It is disheartening that people with pointless and annoying positions make millions of dollars doing absolutely nothing! And shame on you, America, for buying into it!! I'm not a perfect person, but come on Hollywood...why??? The following people not only annoy the shite out of me, but make no qualms about their shameless existence either.

Paris Hilton
Need I say more?











Mary Murphy
Look at this picture! Does this not make your skin crawl? Now, I pray you have never actually listened to Mary Murphy speak before. But if you have, this picture says it all - annoying, loud and obnoxious. I've never actually seen Mary Murphy dance before, but she is a judge on So You Think You Can Dance, so I guess that makes her important, but literally everything she says involves a high pitched almost Southern mama cooking up bacon and grits in the kitchen type of roar. Mary, we can hear you. Tone it down a notch. I mean, I guess she could have worse attributes. I just can't help but feel like I'm being assaulted while watching a fun show! Not cool, Murphy. If you want to hear what I'm talking about, just click on Scary Mary.


Ann Coulter
This woman is proof that you can pretty much insult any culture, person, belief or any human right in general, and not only get famous for it, but have civilians site you as a credible and watch-worthy source. Sure, she's skinny and blond and seems wholesome. But the minute she opens her mouth you want to go out to the first PetSmart and buy her a muzzle. I don't hate her because she is the rebel of the Conservative persuasion. I just find her accusations of liberal and innovative ideals to be really harsh and poorly backed-up. I mean, this was the woman who said, "We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say," while arguing that it would be better if we were all Christians. First of all, Ann, Jews run much of your industry, and we're still putting you on the air - be grateful, not hateful. Bitch. Click on Ann to experience her idiotic verbal assault on humanity.


More to come manana!!

Dear Tiger

I have to do this:

Dear Tiger,
Thank you so very much for helping 7 billion people stupify themselves this week. While the marketplace is still a failure, the war in Afghanistan in full effect allowing for thousands of brave soldiers to lose their lives and while millions of poverty-stricken people all over the world are turning tricks just to feed their kids - you disrupt the flow of the world with the most idiotically planned infidelity scheme this year. The fact that you thought your illicit affairs would fly under the radar for years to come makes me realize that you are more dumb than John Edwards, Elliot Spitzer and Jude Law put together. You are the most famous athlete in the world, with a combined worth of over $500 mllion. What makes you think your scandal wouldn't get out? You have a beautiful and devoted wife, adorable children, an incomperable career and more money than God....and still that's not enough. It's just sad that you have officially fucked up your children for the rest of their lives, not to mention that your marriage will never be the same. Oh, and that voicemail message that slut #3 publicized, you really sounded like you felt bad - NOT. Cause you didn't, douchebag. Get over yourself. You should be thanking Jesus, Mary and Joseph that your endorsements are still in tact. Clearly, as an athlete you are a force to be reckoned with, but as a person, you blow ass. Thanks for ruining my favorite news programs for me. Merry effing Christmas.

Love,
Chelsea

Wow. That felt good.

Moving Realizations

One of my favorite pastimes is driving through the Illinois countryside on a fall day. The sun doesn’t have to be shining; it doesn’t even have to be mildly warm. As long as I have my tunes blaring and a wide open space to clear my mind, the day will be my idea of perfection. I’ll truly miss that feeling in LA. Not to say that LA doesn’t have its share of breathtaking scenery. I’m sure I will find enjoyment in taking long drives all over California, but I am a born and bred mid-Western girl with a deep appreciation for the country. I’m a blend of values and innocence from the land of vast corn fields and pastures and sassy smarts from city life. One day I could be perfectly fine with a book and a view to enjoy it by, and then a day later have the need for bustling, traffic filled streets, thousands of faces to pass and an evening of dancing and drinks to celebrate life in.

**Just some thoughts as the days grow closer to the biggest move of my life!

Who Am I?

I don't remember where I was or who I was with, my age, or my state of mind, but I will never forget once hearing a mother of three say to me, "I don't remember my life before I had children."

To me, a single, working, intelligent, 24-year-old American woman, that statement is completely foreign...except for one part:

"I don't remember my life before..."

That part is crystal clear.

Here I sit, August 26th, 2009, exactly 9 months and 9 days since the seminal event of my life occured. Those words have never been more familiar. I look at pictures of myself from a few years ago and I don't even recognize myself. I look at my "friends" - who are they? I don't remember them. It looks like we were having a lot of fun. Where we?

When I look in the mirror, I see someone who is tired and a bit worn out, but on the upside, pretty sure of herself. I don't wear makeup anymore unless I'm going out on a Friday or Saturday night, because I just don't give a shit if my blemishes show or if my eye lashes are noticeable enough. I'm not dressed to impress. I wear leggings all the time now, not jeans, because I never liked jeans, how they looked on me, or how denim felt against my skin. My stomach hasn't been right for a while now, but I keep eating cheese and carbs because I love it.

If you were to ask me a question, any question, I would know how to answer it. Not because I have practiced answering it in my mind, but because I just know. I know who I am. It feels good to say that, but it feels pretty shitty to say why. I'm not saying I know everything about life. I definitely know a lot, at least about who I am and who I want to be. Self assurance isn't natural, it comes from experiences, memories, hardships, old friends, new friends, love, loss, and everything in between. It's easy to fake self-assurance. I used to do it all the time. It was my shield. But really, at night, I'd cry because I hated myself. Now that I love myself, I never cry for self-pity, only sadness of other forces that cannot be reckoned with.

I was just talking to one of my best friends about loss. Not losing someone as in death, but losing a relationship. I lost a few friends this year. People that I thought would be there for me through anything. And if you were to ask them, I'm sure they'd tell you that they were there. Physically, yes, they showed up, but mentally and emotionally and patiently...no. I will always believe that Alex was sending me a sign when my friendships ended. Because now, I wake up and I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone anymore. When I talk to my friends (the ones who stick around), it's not as if I'm talking to my friend, it's as if I am talking to my family. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. That's a really good feeling. I have this one friend, who will remain nameless, who farts in front of me constantly. And these farts aren't gentle, these are the Serenghetti of farts, the Mount Kilimanjaro of human waste expulsion. So she farts around me and I hate it, but every time she does it I am so glad she feels that she is able to do that around me. It's a good feeling to know someone feels completely themself around you because then you can reciprocate and not even think about it!

I'm tired now. It's been a long day. But I keep keepin' on as I always do.

...

You and me, how it used to me
holding hands as we crossed the street
nothing to say, no need for that
your presence was enough for me

skipping through the fields at night
dancing around in the moonlight
feeling part of something bigger than this

i cant explain the crutch
words are not enough
i cant dream it again
my soul is on the mend
step by step i stride
feeling lost inside
you left before i had a chance to say goodbye

Pointless But Interesting...

What brand were the last pair of jeans you wore?
I'm really not a fan of jeans, believe it or not. I never have been. I only wear them if I absolutely have to - i.e. to a concert, sporting event, or with a cute top when I'm out on a Friday night or somethin'. That's why I buy dresses and leggings and black pants and black capris. I do own a pair of jeans...actually a few, they are from Gap. But recently my mom pointed out that they are not flattering haha. Soooo I'm back to comfort pants only.

Where did you spend time yesterday?​​​​
Work. For about 9 hours. I wish I didn't have to work...but then again, don't we all :)

Will tomorrow be a busy day for you?
Most likely, but luckily I'm spending my evening with my best girls playing games and eating and laughing and being together!

What song is currently.. playing?
Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band...who I am seeing live on Saturday night! Yayyy!!

Do you use all ten finge​rs to type?
Nope. I don't use my pinkies. Just discovered that the other day actually!

Name something rando​m in your room that you probably shouldn't find in there?
My mom's wedding dress. Which is now yellow from lack of care over the years, but none the less it gives me a hearty laugh when I look over at it and think that I will probably be wearing a portion of that dress one day. And I also laugh because my parents were actually married to each other.

​Who was the last frien​d that liste​ned to you vent?
Tina, my love!
I just got off the phone with her. It wasn't really venting, it was sadness because I miss my brother, but she was being the amazing Teenie that I know AND LOVE :)

Is love real?
YES. Very real, to me :) I've loved and lost and loved again and lost again and will probably continue that cycle, because Im all about the love!

What did you do today?
Worked all day where I was a major dissappointment :(
Hung out with my mom for a bit after work
Went to have a little sesh with my therapist, God love her!
Drove home
Talked to Tina
Talked to Becky
Now I'm blogging

Do you hαve any pictu​res in your room if so what of?
Tons! I have collages that my little sisters have made for me. I have a collage of Alex that Nikki made for me. Pictures of my brother and I. And I have paintings here and there.

Hones​tly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yes. But that's not possible.

Hones​tly, where would you rather be right now?
Across the pond in a little country called England :)

Hones​tly, does being with your friends make you happy?
Absolutely! It's nice to have true friends in my life who are willing to go through the good, the bad, the ugly, the amazing, and just the whole journey. And it's also nice to have people to be myself around who appreciate all of the little elements of who I am!

Do you hαve a TV in your room?
Yes...but I don't really watch it that much, more into reading and sleeping these days.

Would you rather have long or short hair?
I looooooooove my long hair.

Do you think girls that shop at holli​ster are snobb​y bitch​es?
Not really...people have different styles and that's cool.

Are you wearin make-​​​up?
Nope. No need at this hour.

In the past 12 hours who have you talked to the most?
My mom...she's my rock!

What are you think​ing about right now?
I'm thinking about how much I love Becky and how proud of her I am :)

Who did you last text?
Jessica Lazzaretto Arzer!

Who did you last talk to on the phone?​​
Becks

How do you feel right now?
Tired, nervous to go to work tomorrow because I'm a horrible excuse for an employee apparantly, but also excited because tomorrow night is game night at Jess'! Waaa hoooo!!

Last December, where were you in life?
The worst place I have ever been or ever will be. Wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy.

Do you miss your past?
I miss being 12 and not knowing the hard stuff about life. I have become a new person in 7 months so I absolutely miss feeling whole, feeling lucky to have all of my family happy and healthy. I don't yet know what it is like to truly live a substantial amount of time without my brother, who in essence is the other half of me. And if I could back and save him, I would in a heartbeat.

Last thing you drank?​​
Coffee....it's my life

Are you stressed?
Fo sho. I manage it well and try not to let it make me all bent out of shape but it's unavoidable for all of us I think.
​​
Want to say anyth​ing?
I'm saying a whole lot right now. I am really excited to move to LA! I'm super stoked for the upcoming months of fun and vacations and friends and family! And...life is short and out of our control so take it day by day. Don't sweat the small stuff. Appreciate those you love.

Was yesterday better than today​?
Everyday is different. I don't remember, but I can't imagine it being much different.

When is the last time you saw your mom?
Like 4 hours ago

Do you have someone of the oppos​ite sex you can tell everything​ to?
Tough question to answer. I recently severed a friendship with my best guy friend. He was not there for me AT ALL during the loss of my brother. Hasn't checked up on me at all since the funeral/condolence call. I miss being able to talk to him about everything. I miss going to concerts. I miss kicking back to have a few beers. I miss Sunday night Entourage sessions. I miss the teasing. I miss the connection we had. But in the end, the truest tests of friendship occur through hardship and life changes. He failed the test miserably. So I move along...

Who pissee​d you off yeste​rday?
No one, really.

What do you curre​ntly hear right now?
My fan buzzing around and the immaculate music of Third Eye Blind :)

Do you get distr​acted​ easil​y?
Nope. I'm a pretty focused person when I want to be.

What is the last thing you did befor​e you went to bed last night​?
Peed

If you could push one perso​n off of a mountain who would it be?
Everybody loves somebody, so even though there are a few people I pray for, Iwould never do that to their families :)

When was the last time you had fun?
Last weekend when I was out in Chi City with my cousin!

Who was the first person that you talked to today?
Mi madre

Have you ever gotten in a fight with someone,​ and never made up?
Ha...ummm yea, some people aren't worth a moment of my time.

Do you have any friends that you've known for 10 years or more?
Yes! Nikki, Natalie, and Kristy...love my besties!

Who was the last person you cooked for?
That's hillarious.

Do you miss the way thing​s used to be?
Like what? Like the way Mariah Carey was before Glitter? I only know 1985 until now, so I'd probably bring back Saved By The Bell and Michael Jackson circa "Wanna Be Startin Somethin'"
\Where is the next place you will travel to?
Alpine on Saturday!

What is something you curre​ntly want?
Happiness...and a nice man in my life would be nice :) For reals. I'm deprived lol

Would you pass a drug test?
Hell yea...don't even make me explain why!

She's Got Me Like Nobody...

I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas please...

Oh the lyrics of Lady Gaga, so poignant and yet so ironic at the same time. I actually find Lady Gaga to be extremely fascinating. She does a really incredible job of grabbing people's attention. She's kind of my girl crush. Her and Zooey Deschanel. I like them both for different reasons. Lady Gaga has that mysterious, shocking originality. The downside is that it's very clear she is trying to be/look different to the point that it's hard for anyone to relate to her. I still find it tough after almost a year since "The Fame" hooked us all. That's why I have Zooey Deschanel to kind of center it for me.

I'm crazy about them both but Zooey kind of balances it out. She's not trying too hard, it's clear she sings her own tune but does it in a way where it is not borderline scary. I like that. Anyways, I had a point.

I was listening to "Pokerface" today on my way home from work and it was the first time I really thought about the lyrical content of the song. Which is totally not like me because I'm all about hidden meanings and irony and symbolism so normally I would have had this song figured out right out the gate but it's not one of those songs you would think would have this deep meaning. Because it doesn't. It's basically taking the double standards of society and giving it the finger. Which I love, don't get me wrong, but I just don't relate to anything she is singing about. I'm not the "play with men's minds and take the money and run" kinda chick. It's funny to watch her give interviews. She sits down and talks to these reporters about nonsense. It almost seems scripted to me. She is my age and talks about having random and meaningless sex with people all over the world and that she sees everything as an art. As an artist in my own ways, I KNOW that everything is not art related. If Hitler and Sadaam and war is an art then I'm done. She plays off the whole "feminity" thing but kind of sucks at it because she admits she sleeps around. It just doesn't make sense to me. I think we all know now that you don't gain respect or admiration by being a whore. I wouldn't be surprised if Gloria Steinem dropped her t.v. out of a window after witnessing half the crap that is considered "interesting." I know I'm right...look at Britney Spears.

Anyways, I keep losing my point of this whole posting. Oh yea, so I'm like the queen of the "Pokerface." I think we all have the ability to put on our Pokerface when the time is right. Clearly I'm not going to give mine away, but if you're lucky enough you will get to experience it ;) So all I will say is that love games are stupid and a waste of time and it's sometimes just easier to be honest...for everyone. I feel like that we live in a society where we all have to have a "don't let them know" type of attitude. I don't like that. I like being real. It's more fun. Oh, I started making a list of things I like and dislike. Yes, seriously...

Likes:

- Watching awkward encounters play out

- Observing body language

- Cream cheese

- Waiting until the end of the day to check Facebook (soooo sad, I know!) - so I can have a hearty laugh at my friend's commentary :)

- Mos Def, Common (saw him in concert with my mom and brother last year and still refer to it as one of the hottest things I've ever seen) and Idris Elba (man, oh man is he hot)- I'm kinda into them. Oh and Gerard Butler (I had to throw a white guy in there - 300, all I have to say). Okay so now you know I'm sex deprived.

- McDonald's coffee

- Falling asleep with the fan on...even though my basement is freezing already. and even in the dead of winter.

Dislikes:

- People who have no listening ability

- Sexual deviants (obviously)

- the mini-golf guys who play in the hallway at my office (they actually ask me to stop walking in the middle of the hallway so they can finish their hole. as if the hallway isn't big enough for us all to move around in!)

- People who think their issues trump other people's issues

- Drivers who don't use their signals but instead would rather cut you off. I don't get it. So rude!

- America haters

- Paris Hilton...yep, I still can't find anything I like about her

So that's it...all in all, I don't really know where I was going with any of this...

til tomorrow xoxo

Chels :)

Choices

So I finally decided to sit down and get the creative juices flowing again. It's not a walk in the park, people. It's super hard. Finding the inspiration and motivation to write is like finding a needle in a haystack right now. I partially blame my job. From 8:30 am until 6:00 pm Monday through Friday, my creativity is sucked from my loins. I guess that is just the result of working in marketing. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do, but it's not fun to come home physically exhausted from having a 9 hour brain workout. Why am I such a complainer? Okay, I'm stopping now. I promise :)

So I read this book everyday called "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief" by Martha Whitmore Hickman. My amazing cousin, Michelle AKA Steiney, bought it for my mom right after Alex died, but I stole it because I didn't really want to read a whole grief book. So instead I read a daily message and it gives me something relatable to think about throughout the day. I usually read one on my way to work. It works out great because there is one for each day of the year. It relaxes me and brings me back to reality, forcing me to deal with the process I am still going through.

I really loved today's entry which started off with this quote:

"Grief teaches the steadiest minds to waver." - Sophocles

The excerpt was about decision making and how even the simplest of choices can seem impossible to make. My usual system of "choice making" is altered because of the grief completely effecting my life.

I have begun to realize that feeling grounded is such a blessing. It's hard to be so wishy washy, but that's the constant state of flux that exists during a time of grief. Tonight I had dinner with two of my closest friends who happen to be twin sisters, Jessica and Becky. They are both very different but have a very close bond. They have been there for me so much over the past 7 months. Last year Jessica had twin daughters, Kylie and Gianna - those cuties in the picture! You want to talk about a life-changing experience? She has changed her life with so much grace and integrity in no time at all. It's so awesome to watch her with her daughters because it was not too long ago that we were galavanting around Chicago getting hammered silly and making really bad decisions. So it's interesting to recognize the choice that she has made and the person that she has become in just a short year. The respect I have for her is insurmountable. To see her with her daughters is so endearing. They are beautiful little girls and every time I am with them I feel more and more connected to being a mom and having a family of my own one day. I bring this up because whether the change has been death or life, it's still challenging and life-changing.

Now Becky has a different situation. God, I love my Big Bad Becks! Becky is the sweetest person you will ever know and I respect her so much. She has lived in Libertyville her entire life, loves her family and friends, and would be perfectly fine in her state and place for her entire life. Tonight at dinner we were talking about Los Angeles. If you are not yet aware, I am moving there in February. Cannot wait! I mentioned this to Becky because I know that she has always wanted to travel and live in another city, but the thought of it is pretty scary to her because she would be out of her element and it would be difficult to leave her friends and family. So I have mentioned the idea of moving to LA with me a few times and her face lights up with excitement and interest every time! But tonight I saw a different face then I am used to. I finally saw a small twinkle signifying that a decision is being made. And that decision is to move to LA! I am constantly reminding myself that I am a little bananas. I do things like pick up and fly somewhere or move to a completely different country haha. Most of my friends don't need to do that. So I completely understand Becky's hesitations. But I think I've sold her! Maybe. Only time will tell. I just love her so much and would love for her to have an experience unlike anything she has ever had. But again, this is another DECISION that is hard to make. To pick up and leave everything you know and love, it's hard to do. Well clearly not for me, but for some people it is. I've always been a free spirit. The unknown is a frightening situation for most people. I personally find it mesmerizing. But then again I'm a weirdo!

Anyways, the moral of the story is that no matter what kind of choice needs to be made, there will always be cause for concern but the way I look at it is, if you try it atleast you will never regret not trying it. Life is too short to wonder. Because my brother made a poor choice that fateful evening on the 15th of December, it cost him his life. I am not going to hold myself back from living life to the fullest. It's what he would have wanted and I am always going to honor that. I feel like I am living life for two people now, Alex and myself, so that at least when I see him again, because I have a feeling I will, I can show him that his memory never left my heart.

Question of the Day

If Michael Jackson is so obsessed with being "private" then why is it that he retorts to dressing like an alien cowboy at a country club as a "disguise?" We know its you Michael! But do you know it's you? It wouldn't be anyone else because no human being with their screws tightened would wear something like that anywhere. Even on Halloween. Am I alone here?

My Top Movie Quotes

"Shock me, shock me, shock me with that deviant behavior."
-Empire Records
**This quote rocks because it's just true. Plain and simple.

"Winning without dignity or grace is not winning."
-Stepmom
**In my day (all 24 years of it), people have pulled some viscious stunts trying to get ahead. I don't roll like that. I'd rather "win" and be miserable than "win" with deceit and cruelty. I know a lot of people who prefer to come out on top no matter how it happens than lose. I just never saw the point.

"You can't always trust the people you want to"
-10 Things I Hate About You
**How true is that!

"Every man dies, but not every man really lives."
-Braveheart
**This quote is the reason why I do crazy things. I don't mean "padded room" crazy, I mean taking risks. I believe it's true. We only get one shot so I think we should make it worth it.

"Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke"
-Broken Arrow
**Alright, that's a true statement! People need to lighten up and/or remove the stick from their ass.

"Nothing has turned out as we expected. It never does. Life's under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it's no worse than it is."
-Gone With The Wind
**No explanation needed

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
-Ferris Buehler's Day Off
**Classic! I love this movie. I could watch it over and over again.

Matthew: I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it? Aldous Snow: I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.
-Forgetting Sarah Marshall
**So hillarious!

"Here's looking at you, kid."
-Casablanca
**Humphrey Bogart (Rick), while not profoundly attractive to me in any way, won me over just by saying that.

“So like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, “What about the strain on our resources?” Well it’s like when I had this garden party for my father’s birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. ‘cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that like did not R.S.V.P. I was like totally buggin’. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much."
-Clueless
**It's not hard to see why the movie was titled what it was.

"When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke."
-As Good As It Gets

To keep me entertained there always needs to be an element of surprise involved. If I am going to take time out of my day to sit in front of an electric box, I need to be stimulated. And this year, I’m like a comfortable chair that just had a vibrating mechanism installed in it. I can’t get enough of this schmootz. So bare with me as I reveal the top 10 shows that are revvin’ my engine this year! And number 10 is….

Millionaire Matchmaker

As a Jew living in a world full of Goy’s (the Yiddish term for followers of Christ) I find myself constantly trying to relate to naturally, my own kind. So who better than Patti Stanger to bring out the Jew in me. I think this show is absolutely hillarious. It’s a great concept. It’s like Fiddler on the Roof meets Wall Street. It’s ridiculous. These men crack me up! We’ve got emotionally retarded, socially inept babies who are good at one thing – making money and taking names. So instead of finding an aspect of life to step out of “business mode,” they relate everything they do to the old standard question, “what can I get out of this situation?” Instead of living for the simple things in life all these men know how to do is twist love into some sort of business deal. Newsflash – women don’t want to be treated like a transaction, there are no contracts involved, no gimmicks, all we want is to be cherished and adored and give it back in return. If you ask me, Patti has one of the hardest jobs in all of history. Making money by setting middle aged millionaires up with hot, young women has to be to tough, especially in La La Land. She spends so much time dueling with these guys about their issues, when it is unfortunately a waste of time. I have a fifty year old father who is so set in his ways that God could come down from heaven, sit in front of him and say ”I am the Messiah and it’s time to go to Temple” and he would call bullshit. So based on observing the only single, fifty year old, successful business owner that I love, I can imagine Patti’s frustration. But hey, she has a show on Bravo based off of her career as a 3rd generation matchmaker, so she’s doing something right. And in the end, and this is part that I love, she puts her hands together and asks her client, “does the penis go up or down?” If it all goes back to that tride and true ideal of men thinking with their little head instead of the big one. So what have I learned from Patti? I learned nothing. A year older, none the wiser, more frustrated. But I love it. Good tv, good personalities, good concepts….GREAT show.

What's The Story Morning Glory?

Everyone wants to write a book except no one knows what they want to write about. Finding the story is the biggest challenge for any writer. Sure, the concept sounds really great in your head but translating the message onto paper is a completely different task. The reason I bring this up is because as a human being who seeks writing as a cathartic method of expression, I find it extremely difficult to strum up any interesting plot lines or ideas in the wake of the events that have recently unfolded in my life. Writer’s block is a state of mind not a condition. Right now I’m having a difficult time breaking away from that barrier. No one wants to read a depressing book unless you are well, depressed yourself and are having a “misery loves company” type of motive. I am naturally pretty in touch with my emotions. I don’t express them well and I can never describe the feeling quite accurately out loud, but when I write it out, there it is. Being a depressed citizen of the world and battling it for years I will say that it sometimes takes a really long time to realize the realm of sadness you are in. I learned that grieving is not necessarily depression. It is a situational depression that can only truly be overcome through time and self reflection. Those who are clinically depressed meaning that they have spun into a depression without a tragedy or life altering event occurring, tend to be very in touch with their emotions but may not express them well to others. Enter… Me. Wow it’s really weird to classify myself as “clinically depressed.” It sounds like I need to be put in a padded room or drugged for ages. The weird part of it all is that I try my hardest to look at the positives. I don’t sit around wallowing; I’m not that kind of a person. I’m more of a do-er than a watcher. So I can imagine that there are millions of people out there just like me who can’t even grasp their depression. The reality is that so many of us are used to living life this way that we don’t even realize how much better it could be if we simply come to terms with our state of mind.

My therapist, we’ll call her “Susan,” has been waiting for like three years to finally hear me say that I want help for depression. Hundreds of dollars pissed away at talking about my feelings to finally come to the conclusion that I am depressed and need help. That’s amazing. Obviously if it wasn’t for Susan I would be a very lost puppy. But because I have taken baby steps, okay not even baby steps, more like turtle steps, I now completely understand what has lead me to my conclusions. I’m not a head case. I don’t need to sit in a room and have people monitor my behaviors through a window. I am just very thankful that at 23 I have discovered the one thing about myself that I have worked my whole life to cover up…that I’m not happy.

Someone once told me that I have no filter and couldn’t believe that no one else has told me that before. In my eyes, there is a huge difference between not having filter and being shameless in saying that which makes them human…it’s called being honest with oneself. And unfortunately we spend so much time analyzing other people’s problems when we really need to be working on our own. The world is full of walking contradictions. I’m one of them, I’m just not afraid to express it anymore.

Great! I found my first idea for a story…”a character who thinks they have everyone else figured out but who is not really in touch with who they are.” Well, at least I know I wouldn’t be talking about myself!

My name is Chelsea and I’m depressed.

But you know what is making me feel way better lately…Phoenix, this band from France who are amazing. Click here to check out their song “1901″ which will not leave my head – and I love it!

Verbal Diarrhea

In these times of which we are trying to make the best of a pretty horrid economic situation, it has become rather difficult to put aside the fear and anxiety. Economic crisis' really knows how to break the human spirit. Some are getting laid off left and right, some are no longer able to afford the life they have comfortably led anymore and now have to take a job driving for FedEx or making coffee at Starbucks, and some can't find any sort of a job because many companies have undergone a hiring freeze. It's all really depressing. So when someone like me, someone who has never had financial woes, snatches up a really fun job in which I can learn, be creative, and somehow make a decent living for myself, I can't get very publically excited about it. And as an emotionally obvious person, I'm actually fine with that.

Leaving finances aside - because people always love to bring that up during the pity party, I've been dealty a pretty awful hand of cards lately. But the one thing that is really giving me motivation and, dare I say, "joy," is this new job. This is such a sad thing to say but I don't get what I need from people anymore. And I'm pretty sure, and have even been told in subtle ways, that I'm not helping the cause either. Other than my family, the rest kind of falls by the wayside for me right now. When tragic things happen, the life we knew and the way we envision the world changes. A man tells me everything I have ever wanted to hear him say and I feel absolutely nothing. The Newsweek magazines keep coming in the mail but I just toss them aside and no longer find politics or world affairs - something I've always been interested in - interesting. I'm no longer excited and thrilled to hang out with my friends anymore. I don't get pumped to go out on weekends, I have to force myself. And then when I do go out I just desperately want to be at home in my bed. I know that people are constantly walking on eggshells around me. I'm walking on eggshells around me. I don't know if one mood is going to linger on for an hour much less a day. But that's where I am right now. I have this feeling that I will probably lose some friends over the next year or so. I just don't think anyone has the desire or need to hear my sarcasm and commentary about anything right now because it's bitter and chastising. And if that makes me an inconsiderate bitch, then fine.

I consider myself a blunt person. I am. If you ask me my opinion or need to know something, I will tell you. That does not change in regards to friends or family. Over time I have "bloomed" into this very frank human being. I look at the world as a pretty funny place. The ridiculous things people do and say, the ironic twist of events in something initially intended to be a simple situation, a cliche ends unexpectedly - I think it's all very humorous.

So when my friends come at me for saying stupid shit and being opinionated, I can't really bring myself to argue but I also can't really bring myself to CARE. I don't want to change who I am. If you don't want to have a friend like me, then don't. But don't make the eggshells we are already walking on a more awkward situation. The sad thing is, and I'm still trying to figure out if this is actually sad or not, but if I lose friends this year I don't know how sad I will be. I lost the most important person to me FOREVER. I cannot get that back. My brother and I were complete opposites, but somehow we understood and respected each other for all of our humanistic qualities. I don't have that with anyone else.

I'm not trying to isolate myself, but I am trying to find some sort of dignity from within me to still be me and grieve at the same time. It's fucking hard. No one understands how difficult it is to genuniely give a shit. I understand that the world will turn whether or not I am ready for it too, but my world is at a standstill. So if you want to stay and deal then that makes me happy, and if you don't then stop pretending like you do.

This Is A Test...

There's this girl I know. I'll call her Lizzy. As a woman Lizzy understands the rarity of true love. She knows we do not live in a time where romance is of a first and foremost priority. She believes that most of us are simply lucky to experience love in it's fullest extent. She has this belief because she has never been in love. It is a foreign thing for her to feel the highest of highs because she is so unashamedly obsessed with someone or to feel magnetically drawn to a man and have him unable to take his hands off of her or leave her side.

She knows what it's like to have lust. She knows what it's like to feel infatuation. She knows what it's like to draw up this idea of perfect love in her mind. And she has always gotten so close but something has always pushed her away. Okay, I guess I should rephrase and say that something has always made her run for the hills. And the truth is that she is terrified. What if she gives all of herself to someone and is left in the dust? She's always been the girl who can make a man want her. But she's never been the girl who can make a man want to be with her. And I know the reason for this. The minute it gets uncomfortable or feels vulnerable, she freaks out. The reason I wonder about Lizzy's situation is because I always seem to miss the "love boat." I can relate to her. I know that we only get one shot at this life, but it seems that the simplest things that make life worthwhile, are always the hardest to capture and hold on to. I've been all over the world, have met tons of men, some were more significant to my emotions than others, but I've never loved any of them. And I always have wondered why because it seems like such a simple feeling to have.

And as the story goes, when it rains it fucking pours. My brother dies, I lose my best guy friend (well actually he abandoned me during the worst time in my life), and I continue to be dumbfounded by the actions of another man who initially sent the snowball rolling down the preverbial mountain. All in one day. And I look at myself in the mirror and I can't put my finger on it. I really can't. Now more than ever would it just be nice to have a connection with someone from the male species and all of the ones who have made attempts live in other countries or states. THEN, a man who I had been seeing and has been pursuing me ends up being married with a kid and one on the way. It's like God just woke up one day and said, "Okay Chelsea, I made you strong. So Peter, Paul, Jesus and I are taking bets to see how many shitty things we can put you through in attempt to see how long it takes to break you. I'll go first."

It's too much. I'm broken. You win, God!

When Alex died parts of me died with him. The trust, the affection, the acceptance, the support, the protection. Those were all special characteristics of Alex and my relationship. I only trusted to him to listen and not judge. I always hugged him the tightest. He loved that I'm a little crazy, opinionated, patronizing towards him, and that I find humor in the serious and I loved that he could care less about how people felt about who he was. I would tell him how I felt and he would tell me it's gonna be fine. And when I rarely sought him out and let him fight battles for me he would take on the role and not look back. And now that he's gone, nothing shocks me anymore. It's like oh, another guy wants to cheat on his wife with me, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to tell him no. None of it makes sense right now.

If everything is suppossed to be a test, why don't they make it multiple choice? Why don't they give us all of the options including the right answer? Why not just a little hint? I know that there are people out there who have it 20,000 times worse than me and make the most of their life regardless of their situation. Maybe it's just what we're used to. Some poor child in Ethiopia is used to eating two servings of rice per day and feels full after one. Some gypsy in Romania grew up begging and coniving so he doesn't view it negatively, his motivation is survival. And then there's me, who just wants love and is apparantly having to walk through fire to get it. All I can hope for is that it's not for nothing.

Sense of the Sorrow

Some would say what happened to us was the greatest human loss.

Some would say we won't ever come back from this.

Some would say it's too soon to keep going.

Most people can't really say anything.

Most people keep death in the back of their minds, not in their everyday thoughts and fears.

We hear stories of other people in far away places experiencing tragedies and we feel sorry for "them."

We don't expect to become "them."

We don't have children to watch them die.

Parents worry, they toil, they push, they observe and they love their children.

But with each child there comes a time when love is not enough to save them from themselves.

As a child myself of two very loving parents, I still look to them for help and solace.

I still ask them what they think of my decisions. I'm going to make the decision anyway, but without the comfort in my mother's voice or the strength in my father's gesture it really doesn't matter what I decide because having them a part of it matters.

So how does one come back from tragedy?
What do we do to make sense of life after death?

The more I think about, and with the days that go by I've come to the conclusion that we wait.
There's nothing more to do. The pain doesn't end, the confusion doesn't settle, the anger doesn't subside. But if we wait, maybe one day, long after the dust settles, we will be at peace with this tragedy and more importantly, at peace with ourselves.