In these times of which we are trying to make the best of a pretty horrid economic situation, it has become rather difficult to put aside the fear and anxiety. Economic crisis' really knows how to break the human spirit. Some are getting laid off left and right, some are no longer able to afford the life they have comfortably led anymore and now have to take a job driving for FedEx or making coffee at Starbucks, and some can't find any sort of a job because many companies have undergone a hiring freeze. It's all really depressing. So when someone like me, someone who has never had financial woes, snatches up a really fun job in which I can learn, be creative, and somehow make a decent living for myself, I can't get very publically excited about it. And as an emotionally obvious person, I'm actually fine with that.
Leaving finances aside - because people always love to bring that up during the pity party, I've been dealty a pretty awful hand of cards lately. But the one thing that is really giving me motivation and, dare I say, "joy," is this new job. This is such a sad thing to say but I don't get what I need from people anymore. And I'm pretty sure, and have even been told in subtle ways, that I'm not helping the cause either. Other than my family, the rest kind of falls by the wayside for me right now. When tragic things happen, the life we knew and the way we envision the world changes. A man tells me everything I have ever wanted to hear him say and I feel absolutely nothing. The Newsweek magazines keep coming in the mail but I just toss them aside and no longer find politics or world affairs - something I've always been interested in - interesting. I'm no longer excited and thrilled to hang out with my friends anymore. I don't get pumped to go out on weekends, I have to force myself. And then when I do go out I just desperately want to be at home in my bed. I know that people are constantly walking on eggshells around me. I'm walking on eggshells around me. I don't know if one mood is going to linger on for an hour much less a day. But that's where I am right now. I have this feeling that I will probably lose some friends over the next year or so. I just don't think anyone has the desire or need to hear my sarcasm and commentary about anything right now because it's bitter and chastising. And if that makes me an inconsiderate bitch, then fine.
I consider myself a blunt person. I am. If you ask me my opinion or need to know something, I will tell you. That does not change in regards to friends or family. Over time I have "bloomed" into this very frank human being. I look at the world as a pretty funny place. The ridiculous things people do and say, the ironic twist of events in something initially intended to be a simple situation, a cliche ends unexpectedly - I think it's all very humorous.
So when my friends come at me for saying stupid shit and being opinionated, I can't really bring myself to argue but I also can't really bring myself to CARE. I don't want to change who I am. If you don't want to have a friend like me, then don't. But don't make the eggshells we are already walking on a more awkward situation. The sad thing is, and I'm still trying to figure out if this is actually sad or not, but if I lose friends this year I don't know how sad I will be. I lost the most important person to me FOREVER. I cannot get that back. My brother and I were complete opposites, but somehow we understood and respected each other for all of our humanistic qualities. I don't have that with anyone else.
I'm not trying to isolate myself, but I am trying to find some sort of dignity from within me to still be me and grieve at the same time. It's fucking hard. No one understands how difficult it is to genuniely give a shit. I understand that the world will turn whether or not I am ready for it too, but my world is at a standstill. So if you want to stay and deal then that makes me happy, and if you don't then stop pretending like you do.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sunday, February 1, 2009
This Is A Test...
There's this girl I know. I'll call her Lizzy. As a woman Lizzy understands the rarity of true love. She knows we do not live in a time where romance is of a first and foremost priority. She believes that most of us are simply lucky to experience love in it's fullest extent. She has this belief because she has never been in love. It is a foreign thing for her to feel the highest of highs because she is so unashamedly obsessed with someone or to feel magnetically drawn to a man and have him unable to take his hands off of her or leave her side.
She knows what it's like to have lust. She knows what it's like to feel infatuation. She knows what it's like to draw up this idea of perfect love in her mind. And she has always gotten so close but something has always pushed her away. Okay, I guess I should rephrase and say that something has always made her run for the hills. And the truth is that she is terrified. What if she gives all of herself to someone and is left in the dust? She's always been the girl who can make a man want her. But she's never been the girl who can make a man want to be with her. And I know the reason for this. The minute it gets uncomfortable or feels vulnerable, she freaks out. The reason I wonder about Lizzy's situation is because I always seem to miss the "love boat." I can relate to her. I know that we only get one shot at this life, but it seems that the simplest things that make life worthwhile, are always the hardest to capture and hold on to. I've been all over the world, have met tons of men, some were more significant to my emotions than others, but I've never loved any of them. And I always have wondered why because it seems like such a simple feeling to have.
And as the story goes, when it rains it fucking pours. My brother dies, I lose my best guy friend (well actually he abandoned me during the worst time in my life), and I continue to be dumbfounded by the actions of another man who initially sent the snowball rolling down the preverbial mountain. All in one day. And I look at myself in the mirror and I can't put my finger on it. I really can't. Now more than ever would it just be nice to have a connection with someone from the male species and all of the ones who have made attempts live in other countries or states. THEN, a man who I had been seeing and has been pursuing me ends up being married with a kid and one on the way. It's like God just woke up one day and said, "Okay Chelsea, I made you strong. So Peter, Paul, Jesus and I are taking bets to see how many shitty things we can put you through in attempt to see how long it takes to break you. I'll go first."
It's too much. I'm broken. You win, God!
When Alex died parts of me died with him. The trust, the affection, the acceptance, the support, the protection. Those were all special characteristics of Alex and my relationship. I only trusted to him to listen and not judge. I always hugged him the tightest. He loved that I'm a little crazy, opinionated, patronizing towards him, and that I find humor in the serious and I loved that he could care less about how people felt about who he was. I would tell him how I felt and he would tell me it's gonna be fine. And when I rarely sought him out and let him fight battles for me he would take on the role and not look back. And now that he's gone, nothing shocks me anymore. It's like oh, another guy wants to cheat on his wife with me, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to tell him no. None of it makes sense right now.
If everything is suppossed to be a test, why don't they make it multiple choice? Why don't they give us all of the options including the right answer? Why not just a little hint? I know that there are people out there who have it 20,000 times worse than me and make the most of their life regardless of their situation. Maybe it's just what we're used to. Some poor child in Ethiopia is used to eating two servings of rice per day and feels full after one. Some gypsy in Romania grew up begging and coniving so he doesn't view it negatively, his motivation is survival. And then there's me, who just wants love and is apparantly having to walk through fire to get it. All I can hope for is that it's not for nothing.
She knows what it's like to have lust. She knows what it's like to feel infatuation. She knows what it's like to draw up this idea of perfect love in her mind. And she has always gotten so close but something has always pushed her away. Okay, I guess I should rephrase and say that something has always made her run for the hills. And the truth is that she is terrified. What if she gives all of herself to someone and is left in the dust? She's always been the girl who can make a man want her. But she's never been the girl who can make a man want to be with her. And I know the reason for this. The minute it gets uncomfortable or feels vulnerable, she freaks out. The reason I wonder about Lizzy's situation is because I always seem to miss the "love boat." I can relate to her. I know that we only get one shot at this life, but it seems that the simplest things that make life worthwhile, are always the hardest to capture and hold on to. I've been all over the world, have met tons of men, some were more significant to my emotions than others, but I've never loved any of them. And I always have wondered why because it seems like such a simple feeling to have.
And as the story goes, when it rains it fucking pours. My brother dies, I lose my best guy friend (well actually he abandoned me during the worst time in my life), and I continue to be dumbfounded by the actions of another man who initially sent the snowball rolling down the preverbial mountain. All in one day. And I look at myself in the mirror and I can't put my finger on it. I really can't. Now more than ever would it just be nice to have a connection with someone from the male species and all of the ones who have made attempts live in other countries or states. THEN, a man who I had been seeing and has been pursuing me ends up being married with a kid and one on the way. It's like God just woke up one day and said, "Okay Chelsea, I made you strong. So Peter, Paul, Jesus and I are taking bets to see how many shitty things we can put you through in attempt to see how long it takes to break you. I'll go first."
It's too much. I'm broken. You win, God!
When Alex died parts of me died with him. The trust, the affection, the acceptance, the support, the protection. Those were all special characteristics of Alex and my relationship. I only trusted to him to listen and not judge. I always hugged him the tightest. He loved that I'm a little crazy, opinionated, patronizing towards him, and that I find humor in the serious and I loved that he could care less about how people felt about who he was. I would tell him how I felt and he would tell me it's gonna be fine. And when I rarely sought him out and let him fight battles for me he would take on the role and not look back. And now that he's gone, nothing shocks me anymore. It's like oh, another guy wants to cheat on his wife with me, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to tell him no. None of it makes sense right now.
If everything is suppossed to be a test, why don't they make it multiple choice? Why don't they give us all of the options including the right answer? Why not just a little hint? I know that there are people out there who have it 20,000 times worse than me and make the most of their life regardless of their situation. Maybe it's just what we're used to. Some poor child in Ethiopia is used to eating two servings of rice per day and feels full after one. Some gypsy in Romania grew up begging and coniving so he doesn't view it negatively, his motivation is survival. And then there's me, who just wants love and is apparantly having to walk through fire to get it. All I can hope for is that it's not for nothing.
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