Some of the babble that escapes my mouth starts with "my therapist says." I noticed it last night when I was talking to Erin. I started off a couple sentences with "well my therapist says that..." and then she laughed at me. I dont' think it's that funny but I can understand the humor in it. It's like a movie or t.v. show where they talk about their therapy experience and it doesn't seem realistic to bring up in normal conversation - but I do it anyway. So here's the backstory on therapy in my life.
I started seeing therapists when I was 9 years old. Most of my close friends know that. I have not a speck of shame in it and I think most of my friends should be very thankful for mental medical geniuses for getting to me before I was a lost cause. That sounds horrible but it's true. I don't even want to think about the person I would be today if it wasn't for childhood counseling. People who don't know me so well think that sounds absolutely ridiculous. And for good reason - why would a 9 year old go to therapy? It's a pretty relavent question. It's like a teenager getting a boob job. Her body is not yet fully developed so she could potentially grow a full cup size until she has reached her growth peak - let alone the fact that getting a boob job at 16 is absolutely insane in my mind and any parent who would purchase fake tits for their teenage daughter should not be a parent (unless the procedure was breast reduction surgery or for a medical condition).
The point is that a 9 year old's brain is still growing and developing. So I can understand why most people would find the situation absurd. But let me tell you, if it wasn't for my mother putting me in therapy when I was child I could potentially be beyond reparable. I have chemical imbalance on both sides of my family and for different reason. The chances of me having a disorder or serious problems is probably higher for me than for others. I have gone through many things in my 23 years that are a result of instances that have occurred when I was a child combined with my chemical makeup. In order to understand the origins of habits or character traits one needs to understand who they are and why they do the things they do.
There has never been a year in my life (since I was 9) where I haven't gone to therapy at least once. It is expensive (insurance definitely doesn't cover it ) and I understand why people don't have a therapist that they refer to on a regular basis - but for me, without having therapy I would be a completly different person, I wouldn't be so self-aware, and I wouldn't have the close relationships that I have. So I'm absolutely not embarrassed to say that I'm in therapy. I'm fucked up, but now I know why and I know what I need to do to have balance in my life.
There are things I know I can work on. I guess, we all can. For example, I know that sometimes I have trouble relaxing. I should probably be on anxiety medication, but there is something about being uptight sometimes that gives me sanity. I don't know how to exist in this world without simple unique characteristics that I live with everyday that to some people may seem maniacal. It makes me who I am. Another example of a problem I have is being a control freak. It's a fact that I have to at least have some control of every sitaution. I won't go into it, but this attribute has shaped many relationship I've had with men or lack their of. But I know that and until I find someone who is willing to be patient with me in order to be who I am while giving him the patience for him to be who he is to make our relationship work, I will just be a dater and a friend.
When I am rich and am able to afford to spend more things on other people, I am going to give my friends the gift of therapy. My children will all be in therapy too one day. Because I might get divorced a couple of times. I hope not, but ya know, life will do that to you - throw you under the bus. But at least I'll know how I can help myself to get through it and overcome it.
Thank you therapists across the world for doing what you do!!!
2 comments:
I love your post's Miss. Carrie Bradshaw! They make me laugh...and make me miss you even more :) I want more of this from you...like every other day! It's my entertainment.
I can totally relate to your statement referencing the fact that you should be on anxiety medicine but that stress and anxiety somehow gives you balance. I totally agree with you. I'm always talking about how stressed I am and how busy busy busy I am. BUT when I'm not stressed or anxious about something, then I'm bored. I almost thrive upon madness. I guess we are both crazy. Good point though.
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