coming to terms with reality...

Disclaimer: If you are offended, I'm maybe sorry.

I love watching movies that are so relatable to my life to the point that it saddens me. The reality of the movie tends to make me realize why and where I am fucking up. Yesterday I watched Reality Bites with my 15 year old sister, Danielle. I mean, I didn’t even figure out what it really meant so I have a hard time imagining her piecing the puzzle of life together. I am 23 years old, I am currently unemployed and I recently returned from Europe. I am also confused about my future career and honestly, I just want to chill. I mean, in the end, the movie ends great. Lelaina and Troy end up together, Vickie doesn’t have HIV, Sammy comes of the closet, and those are things that the average twenty something relates to. But we’re all searching for a different meaning – not a Hollywood ending. We work so hard as young adults. For years we’re encouraged by our parents, teachers, coaches and mentors with words of wisdom such as ‘’you have to get an education’’ or ‘’you have to get a job.’’ Let me tell you something about what I learned from ''my education.'' College is one of those experiences everyone needs to have. Not just for learning purposes. You learn so much about friendship and the opposite sex and responsibilities. The main tools that I have taken from my personal intercollegiate experience include the following:
1) When you bong a beer you need to relax your throat.
2) Don’t talk shit about people because it will come right back around and bite you in the ass.
3) If it feels wrong, it probably is.
4) You are not going to get an orgasm from having sex with a guy one time (and if you do congrata-fucking-lations for being the lovely 1.5% of the female population with that gift).
5) Shame is a commodity.
6) Blacking out will only get your bare ass on the internet. Or may result in a similar embarrassing episode involving nudity, sex or drugs.

I majored in public relations and in all honesty I took the easy road. I just wanted to party and meet dudes and hang out with my friends and not give two shits about this endless highway of confusion called ‘’the real world.’’ I wanted to wake up each morning and know that my day was gonna be easy breezy. Sure, once I left Party University after two years and headed back home to continue my degree at Roosevelt, I finally focused on my education. The good news was that I no longer had to take tests AKA the devil. That brings me to my RANT OF THE DAY...

How can tests unconditionally define your intelligence level?

I don’t really like being asked questions about things I’ve learned from a text book or a teacher. I especially don’t like being asked questions involving multiple choices. It just confuses everything and in my opinion, that is why so many students flunk out. Let’s confuse the students, brilliant plan! Then the alumni pitches a shit fit because GPA's go down. In ‘’the real world’’ and let’s take an investment firm for example, a sample dilemma will not include 4 potential answers. Usually it involves one answer….MAKE THE CLIENT MONEY VIA INVESTING IN LUCRATIVE AREAS OF THE MARKETPLACE. It’s so simple, but that’s the education system fucking with your head. If their gonna give multiple choice or Scantron exams they should first ask the question, allow the student to think about their initial response based on analysis of thus learned information and common sense and then bust out the optional answers one at a time. Or we should just abolish tests and stick to lab work or essays or even case studies. This all relates to my life because I guess I am just a little stressed because I have to take the Graduate Record Examination (G.R.E.) so that I can get into grad school. I checked one out online and it looked extremely scary. So I have to take a Kaplan course (MAYBE), study from a book (NO!), or just wing it (TRUE CHELSEA STYLE).

I still have yet to determine what exactly I want to go to grad school for. Honestly - and I know this sounds very arrogant –I just want to make it to my PHD so I can be Dr. Chelsea. That would be pretty sweet. But for real, I love English and history so much. I get excited to read about historical artists and politicians and heroes. Right now I am going through a major mid 16th century pre-Elizabethan phase. Now, I know that most people do not know what the hell that is. So I'll try to explain it as best I can. There was this guy called King Henry VIII - RING A BELL, ANYONE? - and his reign, string of wives, deceit, all-around arrogance and childishness led us to what would be known as one of the most disgustingly wasteful experiences in UK history. I mean, this man forced Katherine of Aragon into exile (a nunnery) for absolutely NOTHING, fathered multiple illigimate children while he was married, beheaded Anne Boleyn accusing her of incest and adultery and claiming to love God and honor the commandments but completely and hypocritically trashing the Catholic church. Ergo, and yes I said ergo, thus creating the Church of England and all he really ever became was a pushy, fat, unattractive, smelly cretin who bitched and moaned through his entire blessed life. It’s despicable. The onmly thing he should truly be proud of was fathering maybe the greatest and definitely the most well known Queens of all time, Elizabeth. After reading numerous accounts by historians and watching adaptations of his life –The Other Boleyn Girl (which sucked ass and insulted Philipa Gregory’s incredibly well-developed and decadent novel) and Showtime’s The Tudors (which also completely sucked but portrayed King Henry VIII to a T) – I am convinced that this man was countlessly excused of murdering thousands of people and setting women back ten-fold in our rise to become equals. It’s embarrassing, really. But without King Henry VIII we would not have examples of ''what not to do when running a country.'' Clearly, President Bush did not get that memo or do his summer reading before his first term in office with the book ''why not to run a country with the sole purpose of chasing your father's failures.'' Okay, well if there was a book with this title hopefully Bush will realize that he has joined the ranks of political idiots like King Henry VIII, Hitler, Mussolini, Robert Mugabe, etc. and write the damn book.