maybe some things aren't meant to be understood.

So since I have been home from Europe, I have been living with my mom. I knew that coming back to Jode's house meant that I wouldn't have to pay rent, I would have a personal grocery shopper and a place to store my things. Well, as I suspected, those three perks have slowly decreased in the ''reasons why I love living at home'' category. No matter what I do, if I live in my mother's house I will have to deal with living in my mother's house. I don't know how people live with their parents all of their lives! I just lived on my own for 5 months and it was amazing! I had my own bathroom and could come and go whenever. I payed my own bills (by myself), shopped for myself, organized my time around the London transportation schedule (yes, by myself) and although it was not glamorous by any means it made me feel good to have those responsibilities and a place of my own. It made me feel good to say that I can do all of this by myself. So now that I'm back, I just want to get out of Jody's house. I also want to leave because I'll never fully have control over my own life. Don't get me wrong, I love my parents. But I don't really understand them.

For two people who are so different, they are so similarly stubborn about different things. I am a very stubborn person, too. My mother and I are the quintessential Taureans. We stand our ground once we're sure of our position on a specific issue. Sure, we’ll listen to you and take your advice, but in the end it’s our way or the highway. Control freak – that’s the term. I can’t really explain my dad because he’s a Gemini to a T. I feel like they don't take me seriously because they have always been there for me financially and can't really see me fending for myself 100%. I feel like to them I’m still 5-year-old Chelsea.

When I go to my dad’s house I won’t even walk into my room because it is a Twilight Zone experience, scary music and all. I’ll paint you a quick picture. It looks like Barbie and Skipper had a slumber party, got high on purple and pink markers and then vomited all over my room. My bright pink Girl Talk phone is still utilized and my old stuffed animals, Wizard of Oz collector’s edition plate and huge pink flower lamp are still the main sources of decoration and lighting. I went to my dad’s house this past weekend to check on the sump pump after the Hurricane Ike made its way across Northern Illinois. I sat down in his desk chair to make a phone call and I saw a picture frame of me, Alex and Haley from a Christmas card a few years back. I was probably 20, Alex was in high school and Haley was pre-double digits (so to her that was ages ago). It was such a cute picture but the trouble was that you couldn’t really see it when it’s being blocked by a photo of Alex and I when we were 3 and 7. That photo was stuck into the crevice of the frame. I had to laugh a bit because as usual I was finding symbolism and irony in everyday situations. This frame was the only picture on the desk and it was one of the very few pictures of me, Alex and Haley all together. But it was being blocked by memories from long ago with people in it who no longer exist. I am not who I was when I was 7. I’m not even who I was when I was 17. I didn’t know my parents before they were my parents so I can’t go back to the memories of their childhoods to treat them like children. But I think there comes a point when it’s okay to let go of the good memories. Nothing lasts forever. We are human beings, constantly changing and growing. It’s okay to hold on to the fondest of memories, but it’s not reality. I’m not saying that my dad is disappointing me for wanting to still see little Chelsea running around with a huge gap in her teeth and crimped blonde hair. But, she grew up and became a pistol.

Now my mother is not off the hook entirely. Sometimes I feel like she has planted cameras in areas of my life to constantly watch me – at work, in my car, in my bedroom. The woman is good. She always knows what’s going on. Maybe she just wants to feel like I need her to help me. But, I’ve never really been the needy type. Once in a while I will have a moment where I just want my mom to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be fine. I can imagine it being quite difficult to have me as a daughter. I don’t make things easy. I know I can be a bitch or be lazy, careless, unapproachable or condascending and rude to her. I hope that when I move out our relationship will get better. Is this a normal fear? I think it is. My mom has been my biggest supporter since I was 10 and to even think about her not being here makes me physically unable to breathe. But I am who I am now. She is who she is now. Maybe at 23, I can't be as close to my mother as I would like to be. I hope one day we can be close, but right now I just need to live my life and lead my life.