This Is A Test...

There's this girl I know. I'll call her Lizzy. As a woman Lizzy understands the rarity of true love. She knows we do not live in a time where romance is of a first and foremost priority. She believes that most of us are simply lucky to experience love in it's fullest extent. She has this belief because she has never been in love. It is a foreign thing for her to feel the highest of highs because she is so unashamedly obsessed with someone or to feel magnetically drawn to a man and have him unable to take his hands off of her or leave her side.

She knows what it's like to have lust. She knows what it's like to feel infatuation. She knows what it's like to draw up this idea of perfect love in her mind. And she has always gotten so close but something has always pushed her away. Okay, I guess I should rephrase and say that something has always made her run for the hills. And the truth is that she is terrified. What if she gives all of herself to someone and is left in the dust? She's always been the girl who can make a man want her. But she's never been the girl who can make a man want to be with her. And I know the reason for this. The minute it gets uncomfortable or feels vulnerable, she freaks out. The reason I wonder about Lizzy's situation is because I always seem to miss the "love boat." I can relate to her. I know that we only get one shot at this life, but it seems that the simplest things that make life worthwhile, are always the hardest to capture and hold on to. I've been all over the world, have met tons of men, some were more significant to my emotions than others, but I've never loved any of them. And I always have wondered why because it seems like such a simple feeling to have.

And as the story goes, when it rains it fucking pours. My brother dies, I lose my best guy friend (well actually he abandoned me during the worst time in my life), and I continue to be dumbfounded by the actions of another man who initially sent the snowball rolling down the preverbial mountain. All in one day. And I look at myself in the mirror and I can't put my finger on it. I really can't. Now more than ever would it just be nice to have a connection with someone from the male species and all of the ones who have made attempts live in other countries or states. THEN, a man who I had been seeing and has been pursuing me ends up being married with a kid and one on the way. It's like God just woke up one day and said, "Okay Chelsea, I made you strong. So Peter, Paul, Jesus and I are taking bets to see how many shitty things we can put you through in attempt to see how long it takes to break you. I'll go first."

It's too much. I'm broken. You win, God!

When Alex died parts of me died with him. The trust, the affection, the acceptance, the support, the protection. Those were all special characteristics of Alex and my relationship. I only trusted to him to listen and not judge. I always hugged him the tightest. He loved that I'm a little crazy, opinionated, patronizing towards him, and that I find humor in the serious and I loved that he could care less about how people felt about who he was. I would tell him how I felt and he would tell me it's gonna be fine. And when I rarely sought him out and let him fight battles for me he would take on the role and not look back. And now that he's gone, nothing shocks me anymore. It's like oh, another guy wants to cheat on his wife with me, well, I guess I'm just gonna have to tell him no. None of it makes sense right now.

If everything is suppossed to be a test, why don't they make it multiple choice? Why don't they give us all of the options including the right answer? Why not just a little hint? I know that there are people out there who have it 20,000 times worse than me and make the most of their life regardless of their situation. Maybe it's just what we're used to. Some poor child in Ethiopia is used to eating two servings of rice per day and feels full after one. Some gypsy in Romania grew up begging and coniving so he doesn't view it negatively, his motivation is survival. And then there's me, who just wants love and is apparantly having to walk through fire to get it. All I can hope for is that it's not for nothing.