In these times of which we are trying to make the best of a pretty horrid economic situation, it has become rather difficult to put aside the fear and anxiety. Economic crisis' really knows how to break the human spirit. Some are getting laid off left and right, some are no longer able to afford the life they have comfortably led anymore and now have to take a job driving for FedEx or making coffee at Starbucks, and some can't find any sort of a job because many companies have undergone a hiring freeze. It's all really depressing. So when someone like me, someone who has never had financial woes, snatches up a really fun job in which I can learn, be creative, and somehow make a decent living for myself, I can't get very publically excited about it. And as an emotionally obvious person, I'm actually fine with that.
Leaving finances aside - because people always love to bring that up during the pity party, I've been dealty a pretty awful hand of cards lately. But the one thing that is really giving me motivation and, dare I say, "joy," is this new job. This is such a sad thing to say but I don't get what I need from people anymore. And I'm pretty sure, and have even been told in subtle ways, that I'm not helping the cause either. Other than my family, the rest kind of falls by the wayside for me right now. When tragic things happen, the life we knew and the way we envision the world changes. A man tells me everything I have ever wanted to hear him say and I feel absolutely nothing. The Newsweek magazines keep coming in the mail but I just toss them aside and no longer find politics or world affairs - something I've always been interested in - interesting. I'm no longer excited and thrilled to hang out with my friends anymore. I don't get pumped to go out on weekends, I have to force myself. And then when I do go out I just desperately want to be at home in my bed. I know that people are constantly walking on eggshells around me. I'm walking on eggshells around me. I don't know if one mood is going to linger on for an hour much less a day. But that's where I am right now. I have this feeling that I will probably lose some friends over the next year or so. I just don't think anyone has the desire or need to hear my sarcasm and commentary about anything right now because it's bitter and chastising. And if that makes me an inconsiderate bitch, then fine.
I consider myself a blunt person. I am. If you ask me my opinion or need to know something, I will tell you. That does not change in regards to friends or family. Over time I have "bloomed" into this very frank human being. I look at the world as a pretty funny place. The ridiculous things people do and say, the ironic twist of events in something initially intended to be a simple situation, a cliche ends unexpectedly - I think it's all very humorous.
So when my friends come at me for saying stupid shit and being opinionated, I can't really bring myself to argue but I also can't really bring myself to CARE. I don't want to change who I am. If you don't want to have a friend like me, then don't. But don't make the eggshells we are already walking on a more awkward situation. The sad thing is, and I'm still trying to figure out if this is actually sad or not, but if I lose friends this year I don't know how sad I will be. I lost the most important person to me FOREVER. I cannot get that back. My brother and I were complete opposites, but somehow we understood and respected each other for all of our humanistic qualities. I don't have that with anyone else.
I'm not trying to isolate myself, but I am trying to find some sort of dignity from within me to still be me and grieve at the same time. It's fucking hard. No one understands how difficult it is to genuniely give a shit. I understand that the world will turn whether or not I am ready for it too, but my world is at a standstill. So if you want to stay and deal then that makes me happy, and if you don't then stop pretending like you do.
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I ask myself this question in hopes of of releasing myself from the old, the new, and what awaits lurking in the shadows of my own future.
The old ~
My friends they are gone, they are here but they are gone. They grieve too, and I understand this.
My son, their nephew, their friend, their brother ~ the little boy I held in their arms is dead, he is gone and never coming back in the physical sense they understand. Why they are not communicating with me is their problem and not mine.
I shall not bite them, I shall grieve with them, we can help each other, or maybe not as they do not want to face their own fears and or demons.
"Your friends will become strangers and strangers will become friends."
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