Who Am I?

I don't remember where I was or who I was with, my age, or my state of mind, but I will never forget once hearing a mother of three say to me, "I don't remember my life before I had children."

To me, a single, working, intelligent, 24-year-old American woman, that statement is completely foreign...except for one part:

"I don't remember my life before..."

That part is crystal clear.

Here I sit, August 26th, 2009, exactly 9 months and 9 days since the seminal event of my life occured. Those words have never been more familiar. I look at pictures of myself from a few years ago and I don't even recognize myself. I look at my "friends" - who are they? I don't remember them. It looks like we were having a lot of fun. Where we?

When I look in the mirror, I see someone who is tired and a bit worn out, but on the upside, pretty sure of herself. I don't wear makeup anymore unless I'm going out on a Friday or Saturday night, because I just don't give a shit if my blemishes show or if my eye lashes are noticeable enough. I'm not dressed to impress. I wear leggings all the time now, not jeans, because I never liked jeans, how they looked on me, or how denim felt against my skin. My stomach hasn't been right for a while now, but I keep eating cheese and carbs because I love it.

If you were to ask me a question, any question, I would know how to answer it. Not because I have practiced answering it in my mind, but because I just know. I know who I am. It feels good to say that, but it feels pretty shitty to say why. I'm not saying I know everything about life. I definitely know a lot, at least about who I am and who I want to be. Self assurance isn't natural, it comes from experiences, memories, hardships, old friends, new friends, love, loss, and everything in between. It's easy to fake self-assurance. I used to do it all the time. It was my shield. But really, at night, I'd cry because I hated myself. Now that I love myself, I never cry for self-pity, only sadness of other forces that cannot be reckoned with.

I was just talking to one of my best friends about loss. Not losing someone as in death, but losing a relationship. I lost a few friends this year. People that I thought would be there for me through anything. And if you were to ask them, I'm sure they'd tell you that they were there. Physically, yes, they showed up, but mentally and emotionally and patiently...no. I will always believe that Alex was sending me a sign when my friendships ended. Because now, I wake up and I don't feel like I have to prove myself to anyone anymore. When I talk to my friends (the ones who stick around), it's not as if I'm talking to my friend, it's as if I am talking to my family. I don't have to walk on eggshells anymore. That's a really good feeling. I have this one friend, who will remain nameless, who farts in front of me constantly. And these farts aren't gentle, these are the Serenghetti of farts, the Mount Kilimanjaro of human waste expulsion. So she farts around me and I hate it, but every time she does it I am so glad she feels that she is able to do that around me. It's a good feeling to know someone feels completely themself around you because then you can reciprocate and not even think about it!

I'm tired now. It's been a long day. But I keep keepin' on as I always do.