Everyone wants to write a book except no one knows what they want to write about. Finding the story is the biggest challenge for any writer. Sure, the concept sounds really great in your head but translating the message onto paper is a completely different task. The reason I bring this up is because as a human being who seeks writing as a cathartic method of expression, I find it extremely difficult to strum up any interesting plot lines or ideas in the wake of the events that have recently unfolded in my life. Writer’s block is a state of mind not a condition. Right now I’m having a difficult time breaking away from that barrier. No one wants to read a depressing book unless you are well, depressed yourself and are having a “misery loves company” type of motive. I am naturally pretty in touch with my emotions. I don’t express them well and I can never describe the feeling quite accurately out loud, but when I write it out, there it is. Being a depressed citizen of the world and battling it for years I will say that it sometimes takes a really long time to realize the realm of sadness you are in. I learned that grieving is not necessarily depression. It is a situational depression that can only truly be overcome through time and self reflection. Those who are clinically depressed meaning that they have spun into a depression without a tragedy or life altering event occurring, tend to be very in touch with their emotions but may not express them well to others. Enter… Me. Wow it’s really weird to classify myself as “clinically depressed.” It sounds like I need to be put in a padded room or drugged for ages. The weird part of it all is that I try my hardest to look at the positives. I don’t sit around wallowing; I’m not that kind of a person. I’m more of a do-er than a watcher. So I can imagine that there are millions of people out there just like me who can’t even grasp their depression. The reality is that so many of us are used to living life this way that we don’t even realize how much better it could be if we simply come to terms with our state of mind.
My therapist, we’ll call her “Susan,” has been waiting for like three years to finally hear me say that I want help for depression. Hundreds of dollars pissed away at talking about my feelings to finally come to the conclusion that I am depressed and need help. That’s amazing. Obviously if it wasn’t for Susan I would be a very lost puppy. But because I have taken baby steps, okay not even baby steps, more like turtle steps, I now completely understand what has lead me to my conclusions. I’m not a head case. I don’t need to sit in a room and have people monitor my behaviors through a window. I am just very thankful that at 23 I have discovered the one thing about myself that I have worked my whole life to cover up…that I’m not happy.
Someone once told me that I have no filter and couldn’t believe that no one else has told me that before. In my eyes, there is a huge difference between not having filter and being shameless in saying that which makes them human…it’s called being honest with oneself. And unfortunately we spend so much time analyzing other people’s problems when we really need to be working on our own. The world is full of walking contradictions. I’m one of them, I’m just not afraid to express it anymore.
Great! I found my first idea for a story…”a character who thinks they have everyone else figured out but who is not really in touch with who they are.” Well, at least I know I wouldn’t be talking about myself!
My name is Chelsea and I’m depressed.
But you know what is making me feel way better lately…Phoenix, this band from France who are amazing. Click here to check out their song “1901″ which will not leave my head – and I love it!
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